I feel so sick
I see everything I’ve done wrong
Notwithstanding the good I’ve done
I wish there was a song to hear or some words to read
To make me satisfied with me
But there’s nothing
I see the real me
It makes me sick
I make me sick
The fourth line is the reason I typed this. I wanted some way of falling asleep feeling like something's complete, like I didn't have to ignore something or shove it under the rug. I'm still searching for whatever that is. Does it exist?
Bedshaped by Keane is my best attempt for tonight
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Umm... Let's see where this goes
First of all, I'm really typing this cause I'm already sick of having "Memory Box" at the top of my page. It reminds me of old people knitting. Ok, don't have much to talk about...
Alright! I've got a topic. Though it makes me sick to say it, and I have to get into politics a little more than I want to. I saw the movie "Flags of Our Fathers" tonight and, to say the least, was not impressed. The whole movie was about a lie, it wasn't even about what the picture was about. I think some of their interpretations were far off.
When I see the picture, what I see something this nation did that took a whole lot of effort, but was worth it. You can see the effort of lifting the pole, you can see the flag in the breeze, and it almost helps that you can't see the faces, because there is a common effort there, not a bunch of individuals.
So what if there was a stupid fundraiser built off of it. It has been forgotten for years. Can we just take the picture as one of the finest shots ever taken, and as a symbol of freedom and the sacrifice needed to maintain it? It seems we can't.
It seems all we want to hear is thing happening the way they shouldn't have. Why do we want to hear it and get mad? Why do we want to know of every oversight? Why do we have to judge every wrong? Unless it is as a study to make sure it doesn't happen again, why don't we move on and think about how to make it better
All this demonization of every wrong has driven me nuts. The same with smashing FEMA during Katrina. There was a major lack of a plan after the immediate rescue actions, so someone got fired and they'll try to fix the problem. People in that job field really do want to save lives, they can do that better if you aren't following the masses and bringing political pressure into it. So give it up and let it rest.
Ahh! I probably shouldn't have typed that, now I feel crappy about the world.
Listening to You Are the One by Shiny Toy Guns http://www.myspace.com/shinytoyguns
Alright! I've got a topic. Though it makes me sick to say it, and I have to get into politics a little more than I want to. I saw the movie "Flags of Our Fathers" tonight and, to say the least, was not impressed. The whole movie was about a lie, it wasn't even about what the picture was about. I think some of their interpretations were far off.
When I see the picture, what I see something this nation did that took a whole lot of effort, but was worth it. You can see the effort of lifting the pole, you can see the flag in the breeze, and it almost helps that you can't see the faces, because there is a common effort there, not a bunch of individuals.
So what if there was a stupid fundraiser built off of it. It has been forgotten for years. Can we just take the picture as one of the finest shots ever taken, and as a symbol of freedom and the sacrifice needed to maintain it? It seems we can't.
It seems all we want to hear is thing happening the way they shouldn't have. Why do we want to hear it and get mad? Why do we want to know of every oversight? Why do we have to judge every wrong? Unless it is as a study to make sure it doesn't happen again, why don't we move on and think about how to make it better
All this demonization of every wrong has driven me nuts. The same with smashing FEMA during Katrina. There was a major lack of a plan after the immediate rescue actions, so someone got fired and they'll try to fix the problem. People in that job field really do want to save lives, they can do that better if you aren't following the masses and bringing political pressure into it. So give it up and let it rest.
Ahh! I probably shouldn't have typed that, now I feel crappy about the world.
Listening to You Are the One by Shiny Toy Guns http://www.myspace.com/shinytoyguns
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Memory Box
I opened a shoebox full of memory stuff tonight. It was to get the letter I wrote to myself when I was twelve (it wasn't nine, I was wrong). Even though I wasn't supposed to open it for another three years, I opened it anyway. It was as pointless as guessed it would be.
What struck me though, was how pointless everything else in the box was. Sure, there were some jems like a picture of my mom as a kid, but for the most part it was just crap. It meant nothing to me. Reminders of things that happened long ago that don't touch any part of my spirit.
Jesus wasn't kidding when He said you had to be born again. Looking at me back then is like looking at pictures of someone famous; you see them all the time but you've got no idea who they really are. Maybe it's just getting older, or maybe there's enough I'd rather forget. I don't know. Though my childhood wasn't terribly screwed up, sometimes it reminds me of Wonderful by Everclear ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8V36mWUVFc ).
Well, 'night all!
What struck me though, was how pointless everything else in the box was. Sure, there were some jems like a picture of my mom as a kid, but for the most part it was just crap. It meant nothing to me. Reminders of things that happened long ago that don't touch any part of my spirit.
Jesus wasn't kidding when He said you had to be born again. Looking at me back then is like looking at pictures of someone famous; you see them all the time but you've got no idea who they really are. Maybe it's just getting older, or maybe there's enough I'd rather forget. I don't know. Though my childhood wasn't terribly screwed up, sometimes it reminds me of Wonderful by Everclear ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8V36mWUVFc ).
Well, 'night all!
Girlfriends?
So one of my 27,000 readers was asking me if I had a girlfriend... Well, no one really asked and I don't really have any readers, but since every other personal blog seems to be flooded with love posts, I thought I'd put mine in.
No, I don't have a girlfriend. I have a crush, and I think she crushes me back but I haven't asked her out, and I know she'd wait for me to make the first move. At this point, I think that most people would be quite nervous and wonder how they should ask her out for the first time, but not me. In two months, I'll be gone, out of state, out of sight and out of her everyday life. I'm not worried about her being unfaithful or dumping me, she's not one to do that, but neither am I one to hang someone's love and devotion on a phone line and roses that come in the mail.
So will I be a bachelor all my life cause the time was never right? Yeah, it's quite likely, but I won't break a bunch of hearts looking. This is my reasoning, most would consider it bad or wrong, heck, I do. I just don't see a better way right now, and I don't really see one coming down the road for me.
Alright, it's time to sleep.
Groovin' to Collective Soul's Precious Declaration.
No, I don't have a girlfriend. I have a crush, and I think she crushes me back but I haven't asked her out, and I know she'd wait for me to make the first move. At this point, I think that most people would be quite nervous and wonder how they should ask her out for the first time, but not me. In two months, I'll be gone, out of state, out of sight and out of her everyday life. I'm not worried about her being unfaithful or dumping me, she's not one to do that, but neither am I one to hang someone's love and devotion on a phone line and roses that come in the mail.
So will I be a bachelor all my life cause the time was never right? Yeah, it's quite likely, but I won't break a bunch of hearts looking. This is my reasoning, most would consider it bad or wrong, heck, I do. I just don't see a better way right now, and I don't really see one coming down the road for me.
Alright, it's time to sleep.
Groovin' to Collective Soul's Precious Declaration.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Screwing up/Wierd Letter Thing
My last post was something about how what's wrong in people's attitudes and recently I was reminded how much I fit in that category. I was driving down the road, was in a hurry, and someone decided to cut me off and then drive slowly. I swore at them and right then the words of Jennifer Knapp came through on the stereo crystal clear "Undo me, undo me!". Yeah, I need to be undone.
For the letter thing, I just realized I had to write a letter to myself for school when I was 9, to be opened when I'm 19. I don't remember much of what I said, just that I really didn't want to do it. I don't think it's even worthwhile to read it cause it's probably all fake cause I knew the teacher would read it. I guess I will though; I saved it for so long.
One final thought tonight (this morning, whatever). This one's from Rocky Votolato. "Love is the only answer, everything else is just a trainwreck". Maybe it only works for me cause "love" describes so much in English. I think he's talking about a girlfriend.
Holy crap I'm tired again,
Goodnight me (cause I'm the only one who reads this)
For the letter thing, I just realized I had to write a letter to myself for school when I was 9, to be opened when I'm 19. I don't remember much of what I said, just that I really didn't want to do it. I don't think it's even worthwhile to read it cause it's probably all fake cause I knew the teacher would read it. I guess I will though; I saved it for so long.
One final thought tonight (this morning, whatever). This one's from Rocky Votolato. "Love is the only answer, everything else is just a trainwreck". Maybe it only works for me cause "love" describes so much in English. I think he's talking about a girlfriend.
Holy crap I'm tired again,
Goodnight me (cause I'm the only one who reads this)
Monday, December 10, 2007
So, I think I'll be brief cause I'm tired as hell and really do need to sleep. In my family there has been a little, huh... I don't know what to call it. Strife? Nah, too harsh. Irritation? No, it doesn't say why. I'll just do it longhand, people getting pissed at each other over nothing. As I've watched this, there is a reacurring theme. It's the thought that I deserve this, so I have a right to get mad when I don't get it.
I think we have to think of ourselves last to be happy. Thinking we deserve things just sets us up for failure. If we don't think we deserve anything, we can be happy when things go our way. Now sometimes this takes the form of helping ourselves a little. For an example of what I mean, in search and rescue the first person you think about is yourself, because if you get hurt you take a team out of action.
Well that's all for now, not too deep or complex.
I think we have to think of ourselves last to be happy. Thinking we deserve things just sets us up for failure. If we don't think we deserve anything, we can be happy when things go our way. Now sometimes this takes the form of helping ourselves a little. For an example of what I mean, in search and rescue the first person you think about is yourself, because if you get hurt you take a team out of action.
Well that's all for now, not too deep or complex.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
A General's Wisdom
Not too long ago, I was listening to a general making a speech to a bunch of youth and heard something that surprised me a bit. He said that the most important thing in life was relationships/ This is a man who has changed the world in a larger way than most, and still the most important thing for him is relationships.
What he said seems right, so I'll take his advice to heart. Sometimes it's so much easier to close yourself off and go it alone, but rarely is the easiest way the best.
Just a little thought for you guys (anyone out there? leave a comment!)
What he said seems right, so I'll take his advice to heart. Sometimes it's so much easier to close yourself off and go it alone, but rarely is the easiest way the best.
Just a little thought for you guys (anyone out there? leave a comment!)
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wierd Problem
So, please let me bore you with some useless crap.
I have absolutely nothing to say tonight... alright, stratch that, I DO have something say, but you ain't gonna hear it... alright, fine I made the semi-promise, I'll just be careful as to what I say. So here goes.
There's a person I know who feels extremely unloved and takes any wrong move as proof that they are unloved. Now these wrong moves can be anything, really, anything at all. It can be as simple as hanging out with one of their friends when they aren't there; now this isn't not inviting them, no, it's simply them not being there for whatever reason. If anyone unwittingly breaks this strange code of conduct, this person will rip them a new one. At this point you may be thinking "this person needs professional help" and you may be right (it has been suggested), but this person is an adult, and since the problem hasn't gotten "dramatic", and they won't take it, that's not an option.
So how does one deal with that? I believe I have been called to be loving, but what does that mean to someone who views my love for one person as hate for them? I won't yield to their desire for me to be less loving to a person, but I still want to show them love. It's not that they hate the people I care about; it's just that they seem to be afraid of me becoming a better friend to them than they are. Ah, I don't know, maybe this is when I should pray.
This is truly a bizarre world and I'll keep trying to do what's best. Though I haven't "arrived" at anything close to perfection and I still screw up more than I like to admit, I know I'm working hard to do better. Words by Flogging Molly that have helped me get through overwhelming times come to mind "Hell, I'm doing all I can".
Hope you guys are also "doing all you can" to make this place better,
me
I have absolutely nothing to say tonight... alright, stratch that, I DO have something say, but you ain't gonna hear it... alright, fine I made the semi-promise, I'll just be careful as to what I say. So here goes.
There's a person I know who feels extremely unloved and takes any wrong move as proof that they are unloved. Now these wrong moves can be anything, really, anything at all. It can be as simple as hanging out with one of their friends when they aren't there; now this isn't not inviting them, no, it's simply them not being there for whatever reason. If anyone unwittingly breaks this strange code of conduct, this person will rip them a new one. At this point you may be thinking "this person needs professional help" and you may be right (it has been suggested), but this person is an adult, and since the problem hasn't gotten "dramatic", and they won't take it, that's not an option.
So how does one deal with that? I believe I have been called to be loving, but what does that mean to someone who views my love for one person as hate for them? I won't yield to their desire for me to be less loving to a person, but I still want to show them love. It's not that they hate the people I care about; it's just that they seem to be afraid of me becoming a better friend to them than they are. Ah, I don't know, maybe this is when I should pray.
This is truly a bizarre world and I'll keep trying to do what's best. Though I haven't "arrived" at anything close to perfection and I still screw up more than I like to admit, I know I'm working hard to do better. Words by Flogging Molly that have helped me get through overwhelming times come to mind "Hell, I'm doing all I can".
Hope you guys are also "doing all you can" to make this place better,
me
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Why I am so Mysterious
Well, I thought I might as well explain that since I am a bit overly-careful on here. I will soon be taking on a job where they're REALLY paraniod about anyone ever bad times in their lives. They think it's dangerous in the enviroment that I'll be put in; I call it being human. However, my opinion doesn't really matter much here so I think it's wiser to not be identifable. I just like having a place where people can learn about what's on the mind of this 7 billionth of humanity; I think it's worthwhile for people to think about, so it's also worthwhile for me to type.
Peace out!
Anonymous
Peace out!
Anonymous
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Can I Be Comfortable With Me?
That is the question on my mind now. It's very interesting typing out these blog entries or songs. There will (usually) be something that will be eating at me for weeks, and maybe months but I won't be able to grab hold of it and say "This is it", until a day suddenly comes along where it becomes stunningly clear to me. Why this happens seems to have no explanation. I can be trying to figure something out for weeks, going in circles, and then suddenly, just listening to some music or reading someone's blog it comes to be "This is what's been bugging me" This was one of those things.
With Christians, there are a lot of taboos. Some things you just don't do; it's that simple. No one wrote rules about this, but the concequences of breaking these rules is as real as a speeding ticket. Everyone knows this, so I guess that statement is a little redundant, but it's got to be there for me to make sense later.
I've been seeing things through a new perspective since around the time I typed out "Great Thought of Yesterday" and that has started to have an effect on how I see the taboos I mentioned earlier. Since I see the Law (and now the commands of Christ) as something God put there just so we could live in the best way possible, I think that none of these taboos are wrong because they are a specific action. Maybe they are wrong for some people in some situations because of the motivation for doing them, but it's not the same for everyone.
I also want to make it clear, this is not about some stupid things like wearing nice clothes to church or anything; this is about some things that really seem to scare the crap out of many "good" Christians. I'm talking about things that would probably worry my parents. I'm talking about loving Eminem for being a great rapper, about saying "shit" cause it fits the situation like "shoot" just doesn't, about listening to intense, depressing music because it describes reality.
So I have two big questions:
1: Is this something most of us think but are scared to say?
2: Can I be comfortable with breaking these taboos?
I don't believe the taboos are right, but I'm not sure what's harder: Being thought of as a sinner and a bad person by people I love or following someone else's rules.
Well, I hope that all made sense to you; it did to me. Maybe I'll read it tommorow and find out what I was trying to say, but for now.
Good Morning!
Oh! Thanks to the Blackstones guy for getting me in the mood for blogging. http://www.theblackstones.net/Artist%20Journal/7E7A608A-1182-447F-9F95-12F8320A7F0E.html
With Christians, there are a lot of taboos. Some things you just don't do; it's that simple. No one wrote rules about this, but the concequences of breaking these rules is as real as a speeding ticket. Everyone knows this, so I guess that statement is a little redundant, but it's got to be there for me to make sense later.
I've been seeing things through a new perspective since around the time I typed out "Great Thought of Yesterday" and that has started to have an effect on how I see the taboos I mentioned earlier. Since I see the Law (and now the commands of Christ) as something God put there just so we could live in the best way possible, I think that none of these taboos are wrong because they are a specific action. Maybe they are wrong for some people in some situations because of the motivation for doing them, but it's not the same for everyone.
I also want to make it clear, this is not about some stupid things like wearing nice clothes to church or anything; this is about some things that really seem to scare the crap out of many "good" Christians. I'm talking about things that would probably worry my parents. I'm talking about loving Eminem for being a great rapper, about saying "shit" cause it fits the situation like "shoot" just doesn't, about listening to intense, depressing music because it describes reality.
So I have two big questions:
1: Is this something most of us think but are scared to say?
2: Can I be comfortable with breaking these taboos?
I don't believe the taboos are right, but I'm not sure what's harder: Being thought of as a sinner and a bad person by people I love or following someone else's rules.
Well, I hope that all made sense to you; it did to me. Maybe I'll read it tommorow and find out what I was trying to say, but for now.
Good Morning!
Oh! Thanks to the Blackstones guy for getting me in the mood for blogging. http://www.theblackstones.net/Artist%20Journal/7E7A608A-1182-447F-9F95-12F8320A7F0E.html
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Pissed Off Again
In a volunteer organization I'm involved in I've taken a position of greater leadership, and now EVRYONE thinks that I have to be responsible for EVERYTHING! I'm pretty POed right now because I'm probably going to have some people beating me down tommorow for something that went wrong that wasn't really even my problem.
So here's what happened: There was a fundraiser planned and they need a few people to help out, so I got things in movement to make sure everyone knew about it; this happened. One person commited. I personally did not commit because I was helping my friend's sister move out of her apartment. While I was gone doing this, someone called saying that they had an urgent message concerning the fundraiser (no, urgent should not be used for fundraisers EVER, that's something firemen and ambulance drivers need to use). I'm guessing that they wanted more people to show up and they didn't. I'm also guessing that they'll hang it on my neck.
COME ON PEOPLE! It's a freakin' volunteer organization! I can't make people show up; that's not my job! What I can do is make sure everyone knows about it. I did that.
I'm not sure what I'll do if they slam me for this one. I'm already responding to several phone calls A DAY for this organization (and usually making a couple a day as well); I'm really not in the mood to get some crap lecture on responsibility from someone who does half the work I do for this organization.
Well yeah, I'm a little burned out and pissed off at this point. I hope people aren't jerks to me tommorow.
Later
So here's what happened: There was a fundraiser planned and they need a few people to help out, so I got things in movement to make sure everyone knew about it; this happened. One person commited. I personally did not commit because I was helping my friend's sister move out of her apartment. While I was gone doing this, someone called saying that they had an urgent message concerning the fundraiser (no, urgent should not be used for fundraisers EVER, that's something firemen and ambulance drivers need to use). I'm guessing that they wanted more people to show up and they didn't. I'm also guessing that they'll hang it on my neck.
COME ON PEOPLE! It's a freakin' volunteer organization! I can't make people show up; that's not my job! What I can do is make sure everyone knows about it. I did that.
I'm not sure what I'll do if they slam me for this one. I'm already responding to several phone calls A DAY for this organization (and usually making a couple a day as well); I'm really not in the mood to get some crap lecture on responsibility from someone who does half the work I do for this organization.
Well yeah, I'm a little burned out and pissed off at this point. I hope people aren't jerks to me tommorow.
Later
Some Not-As-Deep Stuff
Well, right now I don't really want to dig deep, but this could get shallower (just listen to me talking about dances... no, you can't so you won't).
WARNING, RANT!
WARNING, RANT!
WARNING, RANT!
I'm going in the millitary soon and I had this lady going on and on thanking me for my service. It was wierd; I mean, I haven't even gone through boot camp or anything. I also felt like a bum because a big part of why I'm going in the military is because I really didn't think I could take 4 years of college. Even further than that, because of my job, the vast majority of my life will be spent under several feet of concrete. Heck, I do more dangerous things as a search and rescue member! Go hug a firefighter or a cop... or better yet, some moutain rescue guys, those guys REALLY have to have guts.
Ok, I'm done ranting
Peace
WARNING, RANT!
WARNING, RANT!
WARNING, RANT!
I'm going in the millitary soon and I had this lady going on and on thanking me for my service. It was wierd; I mean, I haven't even gone through boot camp or anything. I also felt like a bum because a big part of why I'm going in the military is because I really didn't think I could take 4 years of college. Even further than that, because of my job, the vast majority of my life will be spent under several feet of concrete. Heck, I do more dangerous things as a search and rescue member! Go hug a firefighter or a cop... or better yet, some moutain rescue guys, those guys REALLY have to have guts.
Ok, I'm done ranting
Peace
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Some Depressing Lines
I guess I better take this
I guess I better never let this go
But I’m crying, I’m dieing
I’ve had enough, I’m dead
I’m not alive
I’ve had enough of this, I’m gone
Somewhere long the line
I died
Could I go back to that place? no
No, I don’t remember
Where that place was where I finally dropped the line
Could I retrace my steps and
Find where I was going
But no, no, no time is long, and I’m gone and this isn’t life
So at this lonely hour of the night I cry
And I don’t want to sleep
I want to work it out, to never doubt
Why I’m alive
But I fear, fear, fear all these thought that I’m having
And I rise
To the most beautiful sunrise
I hide my eyes, heave a sigh
And get back to this so called life
And I’m scared
That this will never get better
That I’ll always see the world through grey tinted eyes
And oh, oh, oh… I realize, this isn’t life
This just didn't work itself out to a song, but I thought you guys should know about it. Maybe I'll hash a song out of it someday. It was inspired by Sarah Jaffe's song "Swelling". http://www.myspace.com/sjaffe
I guess I better never let this go
But I’m crying, I’m dieing
I’ve had enough, I’m dead
I’m not alive
I’ve had enough of this, I’m gone
Somewhere long the line
I died
Could I go back to that place? no
No, I don’t remember
Where that place was where I finally dropped the line
Could I retrace my steps and
Find where I was going
But no, no, no time is long, and I’m gone and this isn’t life
So at this lonely hour of the night I cry
And I don’t want to sleep
I want to work it out, to never doubt
Why I’m alive
But I fear, fear, fear all these thought that I’m having
And I rise
To the most beautiful sunrise
I hide my eyes, heave a sigh
And get back to this so called life
And I’m scared
That this will never get better
That I’ll always see the world through grey tinted eyes
And oh, oh, oh… I realize, this isn’t life
This just didn't work itself out to a song, but I thought you guys should know about it. Maybe I'll hash a song out of it someday. It was inspired by Sarah Jaffe's song "Swelling". http://www.myspace.com/sjaffe
Friday, November 2, 2007
Great Thought of Yesterday
About a year and a half ago, I was going on a mission trip and, quite frankly, knew I needed to get my own beliefs in line. With the guidance of my youth pastor, I read through several of the gospels with an open mind for the first time. Since that time, I've been working on what I believe and why. It's taken me a quite a while to come up with what I believe and I still have questions, but one thing has become increasingly clear to me: God wants us to live a certain way because it's best for us, not because he wants to show how Godly we are by being under some sort of burden.
For example, a friend of mine got his girlfriend pregnant (which is a big no-no in church society) but as I reasoned out why that is "wrong" I found that there is NOTHING in the Bible that explicitly says that this is wrong (no, the verse you are thinking of is refering to prostitutes or rape). If that's the case (which it is) what's wrong with it (if it's wrong)? I see two possible answers: 1. Anything close to maybe not alright in the area of sex should be avoided because it may be bad. 2. It's really dang hard for a young couple to raise a child. I personally believe #2 and was there for my friend 100% because of that.
Now backing up to the Bible and the Law (refering to the Old Testament law) could it be that the Law is like this unwritten rule not to have sex out of marriage, that it's there cause these things were best for the Jewish people? I find it interesting that some of the laws were to not eat pig and shellfish; it's interesting because at the time the Law was written it was very easy to get sick from from eating these animals.
While I was reading through the gospels, this verse just ate at me "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them." (Matt 5:17) What is Jesus saying? He's obviously not saying to forget the Law like many Christians do, but he's also not saying that things stay the same. So again, what is he saying? The only logical answer I see is that he is saying that there is still a certain right way to live, but now you follow this right way because it's best, not because you're "supposed to".
So how does this relate to smoking? Well, what's best for people? What's right? With this one, the answer will most likely be not to smoke. It hurts your lungs bad, and that's not the best thing for people. But before you become too smug in thinking I'm saying smoking is bad, what about this scenario?: Your coworker is really ripped up about a bunch of stuff that has happened in his life recently and you think the best thing is to be there for him. Except there is one problem, the only time you get to talk to him is during break, where he is certain to go out for a smoke. What's right and wrong now? Secondhand smoke is supposed to be worse than the real thing, though not as concentrated. Like the band Discover America says "There's a million miles of grey".
One last thing. You may be thinking (like I did) if this is the case, what does Christ's sacrifice mean? Maybe it's forgiveness for screwing up God's perfect world, maybe that's the sin.
Anyway, I've said my piece. I don't think this is the standard view, but it's mine and I think it makes sense. If I'm only making sense to myself, please be sure to ask me to clarify.
Aright, peace out!
BTW, The entire time I wrote this I was listening to Abigail's Ghost, found at www.myspace.com/abigailsghost
I actually typed this as an answer to question some friends fo mine had (having to do with whether smoking is wrong or right). It's called "Great Thought of Yesterday" cause I finished typing it about a hald an hour ago, but hadn't gotten around to putting it up here til now.
For example, a friend of mine got his girlfriend pregnant (which is a big no-no in church society) but as I reasoned out why that is "wrong" I found that there is NOTHING in the Bible that explicitly says that this is wrong (no, the verse you are thinking of is refering to prostitutes or rape). If that's the case (which it is) what's wrong with it (if it's wrong)? I see two possible answers: 1. Anything close to maybe not alright in the area of sex should be avoided because it may be bad. 2. It's really dang hard for a young couple to raise a child. I personally believe #2 and was there for my friend 100% because of that.
Now backing up to the Bible and the Law (refering to the Old Testament law) could it be that the Law is like this unwritten rule not to have sex out of marriage, that it's there cause these things were best for the Jewish people? I find it interesting that some of the laws were to not eat pig and shellfish; it's interesting because at the time the Law was written it was very easy to get sick from from eating these animals.
While I was reading through the gospels, this verse just ate at me "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them." (Matt 5:17) What is Jesus saying? He's obviously not saying to forget the Law like many Christians do, but he's also not saying that things stay the same. So again, what is he saying? The only logical answer I see is that he is saying that there is still a certain right way to live, but now you follow this right way because it's best, not because you're "supposed to".
So how does this relate to smoking? Well, what's best for people? What's right? With this one, the answer will most likely be not to smoke. It hurts your lungs bad, and that's not the best thing for people. But before you become too smug in thinking I'm saying smoking is bad, what about this scenario?: Your coworker is really ripped up about a bunch of stuff that has happened in his life recently and you think the best thing is to be there for him. Except there is one problem, the only time you get to talk to him is during break, where he is certain to go out for a smoke. What's right and wrong now? Secondhand smoke is supposed to be worse than the real thing, though not as concentrated. Like the band Discover America says "There's a million miles of grey".
One last thing. You may be thinking (like I did) if this is the case, what does Christ's sacrifice mean? Maybe it's forgiveness for screwing up God's perfect world, maybe that's the sin.
Anyway, I've said my piece. I don't think this is the standard view, but it's mine and I think it makes sense. If I'm only making sense to myself, please be sure to ask me to clarify.
Aright, peace out!
BTW, The entire time I wrote this I was listening to Abigail's Ghost, found at www.myspace.com/abigailsghost
I actually typed this as an answer to question some friends fo mine had (having to do with whether smoking is wrong or right). It's called "Great Thought of Yesterday" cause I finished typing it about a hald an hour ago, but hadn't gotten around to putting it up here til now.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Short Rap-Cursing
And this is the time
I’m so afraid to put a curse in my rhyme
Cause I’m afraid of someone finding out and stumbling
Cause they don’t know what it doesn’t means to me
It ain’t my thing to write lines just to satisfy
An unwritten code of law that God never ratified
And I don’t want to say
For everyone it’s okay
Cause I know most of the population uses it for hatred and rage
So stop listening to my reasons
Hold your own convictions
Cause this is a gray section, not an area for dead religion
To call a black and white, call out and say “you’re a sinner”
This sorta explains what I personally thing about cursing. I wrote this because I was afraid of posting my last post because of the cursing and how people would see it. Oh, and I have to give it up to Mars Ill for some inspiration.
I’m so afraid to put a curse in my rhyme
Cause I’m afraid of someone finding out and stumbling
Cause they don’t know what it doesn’t means to me
It ain’t my thing to write lines just to satisfy
An unwritten code of law that God never ratified
And I don’t want to say
For everyone it’s okay
Cause I know most of the population uses it for hatred and rage
So stop listening to my reasons
Hold your own convictions
Cause this is a gray section, not an area for dead religion
To call a black and white, call out and say “you’re a sinner”
This sorta explains what I personally thing about cursing. I wrote this because I was afraid of posting my last post because of the cursing and how people would see it. Oh, and I have to give it up to Mars Ill for some inspiration.
First Worthwhile Rap
I’m tired of livin’ like the saint
Cause I’d rather be the sinner
When your whole life don’t make sense
And you can’t figure
Any way to live
Cept dying
Keep tryin’
For another day, in another way
Of lying
Bout the way it’s ok
I’m sick of it
I’ll admit it
Fine, I’m lying, I’m angry
I feel like shit
I’m tired of seeing my sister beat, depressed and lonely
I’ll tell her that I care but it never does a thing
I’m tired of every day seeing my mom and dad fighting
Over the stupidest things, can’t they agree on anything?!
I’m sick of the riches that I live in
The clicks that I get in
Sometimes want to break my window, feel the cold and know what it’s like to be poor again
But no more
Got to quit
My crazy thinking
Cause these riches are a blessing is what they say, I don’t believe em
Heaven hear my cry
I’m not asking for the perfect life
I’m just asking to be living more than I’m dyin’
And I know you’re there
You showed how you much cared
You’re still the only reason that I’m standing here
So I get on the internet, hit the music, turn on the TV
To turn my brain off but all I’m seeing
Is how somebody lied, some people died
And my tortured brain can’t stop thinking
In a second this half-diversion is gone and I’m moving
No time to think it out, how to make it better, I’m losing
Time to think till way late at night
Or maybe early next morning, I put some words in ink
Till I’m tired as hell and I go to bed worried
Sometimes it’s hard to believe that somebody even heard me
Again I was worried about posting this, oh well, here it is. I think there should be more to this, but I know myself as a songwriter enough to know I'll probably never put more in, so I'm posting it as-is. I only had the guts to post this when I wrote what comes right after this (which was typed several days earlier).
Cause I’d rather be the sinner
When your whole life don’t make sense
And you can’t figure
Any way to live
Cept dying
Keep tryin’
For another day, in another way
Of lying
Bout the way it’s ok
I’m sick of it
I’ll admit it
Fine, I’m lying, I’m angry
I feel like shit
I’m tired of seeing my sister beat, depressed and lonely
I’ll tell her that I care but it never does a thing
I’m tired of every day seeing my mom and dad fighting
Over the stupidest things, can’t they agree on anything?!
I’m sick of the riches that I live in
The clicks that I get in
Sometimes want to break my window, feel the cold and know what it’s like to be poor again
But no more
Got to quit
My crazy thinking
Cause these riches are a blessing is what they say, I don’t believe em
Heaven hear my cry
I’m not asking for the perfect life
I’m just asking to be living more than I’m dyin’
And I know you’re there
You showed how you much cared
You’re still the only reason that I’m standing here
So I get on the internet, hit the music, turn on the TV
To turn my brain off but all I’m seeing
Is how somebody lied, some people died
And my tortured brain can’t stop thinking
In a second this half-diversion is gone and I’m moving
No time to think it out, how to make it better, I’m losing
Time to think till way late at night
Or maybe early next morning, I put some words in ink
Till I’m tired as hell and I go to bed worried
Sometimes it’s hard to believe that somebody even heard me
Again I was worried about posting this, oh well, here it is. I think there should be more to this, but I know myself as a songwriter enough to know I'll probably never put more in, so I'm posting it as-is. I only had the guts to post this when I wrote what comes right after this (which was typed several days earlier).
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Pointless and Funny
I found a funny quote at a para-military type of enviroment. I couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes when I first saw it. Some may find the langauge to be a bit inappropriate; I just find it to be funny. Here it is:
"Our captain says,
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."
"Our captain says,
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Forget It
Forget it
I’m sick of it
Not gonna get what you want cause you never did give
Forget it
Now you want something more but I’m sorry, you already have your click
Forget it
Cause you dropped me as soon as I was inconvenient
So forget it
You’ll never have any part of me
Forget it
I made one mistake and you won’t let it go
Just forget it
Don’t even try to mend it
Forget it
Cause I don’t need your drama
Forget it
I don’t try to live your morals
Forget it
Don’t you dare think I should even try
Forget it
I’ll be gone in three months so you won’t see my face
Forget it
Cause I’m walking my own life without you in it
Forget it
Pretty much I was pissed off at a bunch of people who've bailed on me and some that have suddenly tried to make our relationship better 3 months before I leave for good. When I didn't respond too great to that, they just got mad at me. So to them (though I won't say it to their faces) is forget it, that relationship is not valuable to me. This doesn't really work with a beat because I was so pissed off I didn't want to change a single word for the sake of beat.
I’m sick of it
Not gonna get what you want cause you never did give
Forget it
Now you want something more but I’m sorry, you already have your click
Forget it
Cause you dropped me as soon as I was inconvenient
So forget it
You’ll never have any part of me
Forget it
I made one mistake and you won’t let it go
Just forget it
Don’t even try to mend it
Forget it
Cause I don’t need your drama
Forget it
I don’t try to live your morals
Forget it
Don’t you dare think I should even try
Forget it
I’ll be gone in three months so you won’t see my face
Forget it
Cause I’m walking my own life without you in it
Forget it
Pretty much I was pissed off at a bunch of people who've bailed on me and some that have suddenly tried to make our relationship better 3 months before I leave for good. When I didn't respond too great to that, they just got mad at me. So to them (though I won't say it to their faces) is forget it, that relationship is not valuable to me. This doesn't really work with a beat because I was so pissed off I didn't want to change a single word for the sake of beat.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Targets
We’re just targets
We never move
We’re just shooters
We aim, we shoot
The lines are drawn
Between me and you
I’ll let you have it
That’s what I do
But as I squeeze that trigger
A part of me wonders
Is this right?
But the shot is gone, my aim was on
And you fall down, down, down
We just say
The same old lines
We only see
What’s in our minds
And as a new
Subject arises
We follow habit
We draw a line
And I squeeze that trigger
There’s a part of me that wonders
Is this right?
But the shot is gone, my aim was on
And you fall down, down, down
I walk on
Onto the line
And I decide
To not pick sides
But they all see
A different me
And they all take
Their shots at me
But as you squeeze that trigger
Is there a part of you that wonders?
Am I right?
But the shot is gone, your aim was on
And I fall down, down, down
This pretty much sums up my view on politics. Sure I can hold an intelligent conversation on many different political topics and I stay more current on world events than practically all my friends, but I do that to understand. All this two-sided smashing drives me nuts; rarely, if ever, is a situation really that simple. Oh, and I have to say the groove of the song was inspired by this guy I stumbled upon on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Gi7ISI34ZE
We never move
We’re just shooters
We aim, we shoot
The lines are drawn
Between me and you
I’ll let you have it
That’s what I do
But as I squeeze that trigger
A part of me wonders
Is this right?
But the shot is gone, my aim was on
And you fall down, down, down
We just say
The same old lines
We only see
What’s in our minds
And as a new
Subject arises
We follow habit
We draw a line
And I squeeze that trigger
There’s a part of me that wonders
Is this right?
But the shot is gone, my aim was on
And you fall down, down, down
I walk on
Onto the line
And I decide
To not pick sides
But they all see
A different me
And they all take
Their shots at me
But as you squeeze that trigger
Is there a part of you that wonders?
Am I right?
But the shot is gone, your aim was on
And I fall down, down, down
This pretty much sums up my view on politics. Sure I can hold an intelligent conversation on many different political topics and I stay more current on world events than practically all my friends, but I do that to understand. All this two-sided smashing drives me nuts; rarely, if ever, is a situation really that simple. Oh, and I have to say the groove of the song was inspired by this guy I stumbled upon on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Gi7ISI34ZE
Sunday, October 7, 2007
The Difference
We’ve all heard it
But I will dare to say it
It’s true of me
I am the failure
I deserve nothing
But hate for what I’ve done
I’m not the scapegoat
I’m the one
To know
I’m wrong
I’ve lost
And I deserve
Nothing
I’m the one
You see falling
You see failing
I’ll say it louder!
I’m the screw up
I’m the one shouting
I’m the one doubting
And there’s something
In knowing
I’m wrong
I’ve lost
And I deserve
Nothing
If you ever see
Something good in me
Please know this isn’t me
Cause alone I’m nothing
But I’ve become something
With God’s love in me
This is my way of saying the difference between someone who follows Christ and someone who doesn't... sort of. I wanted to make it amazingly clear how small the difference is and where it it. I'm NOT a better person, and I think it's important to remember that. The difference is something I could never deserve, and something I had very little to do with; God did it, for God knows why.
But I will dare to say it
It’s true of me
I am the failure
I deserve nothing
But hate for what I’ve done
I’m not the scapegoat
I’m the one
To know
I’m wrong
I’ve lost
And I deserve
Nothing
I’m the one
You see falling
You see failing
I’ll say it louder!
I’m the screw up
I’m the one shouting
I’m the one doubting
And there’s something
In knowing
I’m wrong
I’ve lost
And I deserve
Nothing
If you ever see
Something good in me
Please know this isn’t me
Cause alone I’m nothing
But I’ve become something
With God’s love in me
This is my way of saying the difference between someone who follows Christ and someone who doesn't... sort of. I wanted to make it amazingly clear how small the difference is and where it it. I'm NOT a better person, and I think it's important to remember that. The difference is something I could never deserve, and something I had very little to do with; God did it, for God knows why.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Parents/Forgivenss
Well, today wound up as a big argument with my parents, my mom mostly. I finally busted and said what I thought, why it's hard for me to value what they say. Like I expected, it fell on deaf ears and she (my mom) blew it off.
I also realized to some extent how much I haven't forgiven my parents. Their teaching... indoctrinating me in their screwed up version of religion, and all the hell that caused. They've never said they're sorry, and I don't think they are. In fact, I don't think they think they were ever wrong. So the question is: Can I forgive them? I guess I should, but that's not the question. The question is: CAN I? I simply don't know. This went deep. If you want to understand how deep, you may want to read Rebellion of June, 07. It still gives me chills (in a bad way) to read that.
I also realized to some extent how much I haven't forgiven my parents. Their teaching... indoctrinating me in their screwed up version of religion, and all the hell that caused. They've never said they're sorry, and I don't think they are. In fact, I don't think they think they were ever wrong. So the question is: Can I forgive them? I guess I should, but that's not the question. The question is: CAN I? I simply don't know. This went deep. If you want to understand how deep, you may want to read Rebellion of June, 07. It still gives me chills (in a bad way) to read that.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Change?
Getting angrier every day
And I hate who I’m becoming
I see everything
I thought I beat, reappearing
Is it really possible
To change a man?
Can it be done?
I don’t know
Now you want me to say
That I was all wrong
That people can change
More than on the outside
Is it really possible
To change a man?
Can it be done?
I don’t know
No, I just don’t know
And I hate who I’m becoming
I see everything
I thought I beat, reappearing
Is it really possible
To change a man?
Can it be done?
I don’t know
Now you want me to say
That I was all wrong
That people can change
More than on the outside
Is it really possible
To change a man?
Can it be done?
I don’t know
No, I just don’t know
A Prayer
This will be my prayer
It will not be poetic
So God, here goes
This isn’t how it’s meant to be. I shouldn’t be staying up till two every night cause I don’t know why I should get up tomorrow. I try to answer that question every single night; I don’t think I’ve done it. Honestly, I’m scared that I’ll grow old and die still asking the question “why am I alive” and “why should I get up today”. I don’t see a reason to it. Some things seem to satisfy me, but they are so few and far between. So God, what is it you want me to be? What should I do? How should I live tomorrow? Why did you give me breath to breath? WHY? Everything that gave me meaning has seemed to fade away. I feel like I’ve lost time, like my life was meant to be more, but it’s gone. It seems that there is time that I had the chance to do something with and it just disappeared. It was gone. God, please give me something more than this, cause just surviving is terrible, it’s awful. It reminds me of Augustana “You’ll kill yourself to find anything at all”. This is killing me, well, my sleep at least. It’s 2:20 and I know tomorrow I’ll wake up way too late. This is killing me. This isn’t my most desperate hour, but if this goes on much longer, I don’t know what will be able to wake me up. It’s like I’m asleep, the days go by in some sort of bizarre haze. I grow colder and crueler every day. Help… please. Like I’ve said a hundred times before, I’ve never needed you more than now.
I almost didn't put this one up here, and actually it's a few days old. I just couldn't do it at the time I typed it, but I felt that I sort of gave you, the reader, some sort of pledge. Something saying "I will show you an honest view of me, even if you never know my name" (I'll admit, I've kept a few private so you won't find my name, but for no other reason). I'll be posting a new one in a couple of minutes, and that doesn't mean I had some great blast of thinking, it's just that this one was delayed a bit.
It will not be poetic
So God, here goes
This isn’t how it’s meant to be. I shouldn’t be staying up till two every night cause I don’t know why I should get up tomorrow. I try to answer that question every single night; I don’t think I’ve done it. Honestly, I’m scared that I’ll grow old and die still asking the question “why am I alive” and “why should I get up today”. I don’t see a reason to it. Some things seem to satisfy me, but they are so few and far between. So God, what is it you want me to be? What should I do? How should I live tomorrow? Why did you give me breath to breath? WHY? Everything that gave me meaning has seemed to fade away. I feel like I’ve lost time, like my life was meant to be more, but it’s gone. It seems that there is time that I had the chance to do something with and it just disappeared. It was gone. God, please give me something more than this, cause just surviving is terrible, it’s awful. It reminds me of Augustana “You’ll kill yourself to find anything at all”. This is killing me, well, my sleep at least. It’s 2:20 and I know tomorrow I’ll wake up way too late. This is killing me. This isn’t my most desperate hour, but if this goes on much longer, I don’t know what will be able to wake me up. It’s like I’m asleep, the days go by in some sort of bizarre haze. I grow colder and crueler every day. Help… please. Like I’ve said a hundred times before, I’ve never needed you more than now.
I almost didn't put this one up here, and actually it's a few days old. I just couldn't do it at the time I typed it, but I felt that I sort of gave you, the reader, some sort of pledge. Something saying "I will show you an honest view of me, even if you never know my name" (I'll admit, I've kept a few private so you won't find my name, but for no other reason). I'll be posting a new one in a couple of minutes, and that doesn't mean I had some great blast of thinking, it's just that this one was delayed a bit.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Friends
Dear friends
Time goes on
We grow old
Older than we once knew
It was fun
But good times end
I’m on with my life
Goodbye friends
I know you’ll miss me
Like I’ll miss you
But we’ll have things to do
It will fade
Fond memories
Is all we’ll be
Then finally
A distant dream
Our paths may never
Pass again
But thank you cause
You we’re my friend
I'm 19 now, and I will soon be off to the rest of my life. This is just a little goodbye to my high school friends. Very few of them will read it.
Time goes on
We grow old
Older than we once knew
It was fun
But good times end
I’m on with my life
Goodbye friends
I know you’ll miss me
Like I’ll miss you
But we’ll have things to do
It will fade
Fond memories
Is all we’ll be
Then finally
A distant dream
Our paths may never
Pass again
But thank you cause
You we’re my friend
I'm 19 now, and I will soon be off to the rest of my life. This is just a little goodbye to my high school friends. Very few of them will read it.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Blah, Blah Blog
So, this is my first "normal" blog post. I'm just straight-up typing this out, right here. It's not my poetry, but it's still honest, and these are still my thoughts. So let's get to it!
It's just wierd how some little things, like hearing from some old friends, lending a hand to some strangers and a song can just bring you up (the song was Sway by the Perishers http://www.myspace.com/theperishers). Thinking is good, it's great; it makes us realize things we forgot and lets us see a truer side of us. Even with all my thinking though, there is something I guess I had almost forgotten: What it is to EXPERIENCE.
I've talked greatly of love, and believe strongly in sacrifice, and believe that these things combined make an amazing bond with people, but until I helped those strangers with my friends, it didn't quite hit home. When I did, there was a bond that was re-made with my friends. It was a "I know I can count on you, and you know you can count on me, and there's the world, we can make it better." sort of thing. It wasn't something amazing we did, just taking care of some kids for a few hours, but it WAS something right. No complex political idea, or some special "I'm doing the right thing" sort of deal (like volunteering), just seeing some people that needed help and helping. I guess the people and the song sort of add to this because the last time I was with those people, I was experiencing this stuff and the song is about a friend who is just doing what a good friend does.
So, though I don't think I've said it here before, I've held this belief for a while: Doing the right thing, that's what my belief in God is all about, just doing what's the best for people, what's right. It's there cause (I believe) God did what was best for me, when he died and forgave me. He did the right thing when he accepted me. Like that person who just hangs onto someone when they're going through depression or alcohol addiction or whatever. It's not that they earned it, or somehow deserve it; it's just that it does something good for that person's life, so it's worth it, whatever it ends up costing. This is something I think everyone understands to a certain degree, whether or not you have religious beliefs behind it, it's just very hard to say in words. I guess the closest I'm going to get here is: I feel so great to feel like crap to make someone else's life better. Maybe that'll be my definition of sacrifice... yeah.
Ok, well those are my thoughts for now. And to the cheering masses reading this (in my dreams), goodnight.
It's just wierd how some little things, like hearing from some old friends, lending a hand to some strangers and a song can just bring you up (the song was Sway by the Perishers http://www.myspace.com/theperishers). Thinking is good, it's great; it makes us realize things we forgot and lets us see a truer side of us. Even with all my thinking though, there is something I guess I had almost forgotten: What it is to EXPERIENCE.
I've talked greatly of love, and believe strongly in sacrifice, and believe that these things combined make an amazing bond with people, but until I helped those strangers with my friends, it didn't quite hit home. When I did, there was a bond that was re-made with my friends. It was a "I know I can count on you, and you know you can count on me, and there's the world, we can make it better." sort of thing. It wasn't something amazing we did, just taking care of some kids for a few hours, but it WAS something right. No complex political idea, or some special "I'm doing the right thing" sort of deal (like volunteering), just seeing some people that needed help and helping. I guess the people and the song sort of add to this because the last time I was with those people, I was experiencing this stuff and the song is about a friend who is just doing what a good friend does.
So, though I don't think I've said it here before, I've held this belief for a while: Doing the right thing, that's what my belief in God is all about, just doing what's the best for people, what's right. It's there cause (I believe) God did what was best for me, when he died and forgave me. He did the right thing when he accepted me. Like that person who just hangs onto someone when they're going through depression or alcohol addiction or whatever. It's not that they earned it, or somehow deserve it; it's just that it does something good for that person's life, so it's worth it, whatever it ends up costing. This is something I think everyone understands to a certain degree, whether or not you have religious beliefs behind it, it's just very hard to say in words. I guess the closest I'm going to get here is: I feel so great to feel like crap to make someone else's life better. Maybe that'll be my definition of sacrifice... yeah.
Ok, well those are my thoughts for now. And to the cheering masses reading this (in my dreams), goodnight.
Friday, September 28, 2007
I Don't Believe You
Again I find myself awake
Many hours past when I should sleep
Again my lack of answers appalls me
Again I wish I was somewhere but here
And yes I know
Just live another day
Endure a little more pain
Give a little more love
I feel like a ship taking water
Always surviving, never quite how I should be
Always bailing water
I don’t quite sink
I know hope is supposed to carry me
But faith for me is disbelief
And love is something I have to fight for
And I’m, SO tired of fighting
And yes I know
Just live another day
Endure a little more pain
Give a little more love
And I know
This may be just a phase
It’ll be gone someday
But I don’t believe it
Yeah, I don’t believe you
I’ll hurt you and be true
I don’t believe you
I don’t believe you
Even though this seems like an end-of-faith song, it really is not. What it is is a painful acceptance that faith and everything that goes along with it will be hard.
Many hours past when I should sleep
Again my lack of answers appalls me
Again I wish I was somewhere but here
And yes I know
Just live another day
Endure a little more pain
Give a little more love
I feel like a ship taking water
Always surviving, never quite how I should be
Always bailing water
I don’t quite sink
I know hope is supposed to carry me
But faith for me is disbelief
And love is something I have to fight for
And I’m, SO tired of fighting
And yes I know
Just live another day
Endure a little more pain
Give a little more love
And I know
This may be just a phase
It’ll be gone someday
But I don’t believe it
Yeah, I don’t believe you
I’ll hurt you and be true
I don’t believe you
I don’t believe you
Even though this seems like an end-of-faith song, it really is not. What it is is a painful acceptance that faith and everything that goes along with it will be hard.
Monday, September 24, 2007
I Want to Expand
I want to expand
To experience more
To see more, to be more
To hear more, to feel more
To feel that high of adrenaline again
To scare myself every now and then
To remember that tomorrow is fiction
And the night has never been certain
To fall asleep with nothing left
To sleep through the night like I’m dead
To wake up with a plan in my head
And be just nuts enough to do what I said
To go to the top of a mountain before dawn
To take a picture, the only one
Of this brand new day, from this place
To watch the beautiful birth of day
To watch the people as they pass and go
Down at the park where they walk slow
And see the expressions on their faces
And maybe better understand this human race
To spend a week in the woods with a pack on my back
And watch the wren and the sparrow as they dart and dash
Feel the cold of a stream to take a bath
And feel the sun on my face, and the wind at my back
To have a few fans to listen to my songs
And have time to write music for every one
Some recording gear that’s easy to use
And a nice quiet place I could record it for you
I‘m done for the night, nothing else left to say
I hope you found humor in the words of this page
But also of wisdom, of something further than now
And I hope you have courage to live it out
This started with me wanting to describe, in a freestyle way, my desire to write songs about something different and turned into a poem about things I want to do, but just can't seem to.
To experience more
To see more, to be more
To hear more, to feel more
To feel that high of adrenaline again
To scare myself every now and then
To remember that tomorrow is fiction
And the night has never been certain
To fall asleep with nothing left
To sleep through the night like I’m dead
To wake up with a plan in my head
And be just nuts enough to do what I said
To go to the top of a mountain before dawn
To take a picture, the only one
Of this brand new day, from this place
To watch the beautiful birth of day
To watch the people as they pass and go
Down at the park where they walk slow
And see the expressions on their faces
And maybe better understand this human race
To spend a week in the woods with a pack on my back
And watch the wren and the sparrow as they dart and dash
Feel the cold of a stream to take a bath
And feel the sun on my face, and the wind at my back
To have a few fans to listen to my songs
And have time to write music for every one
Some recording gear that’s easy to use
And a nice quiet place I could record it for you
I‘m done for the night, nothing else left to say
I hope you found humor in the words of this page
But also of wisdom, of something further than now
And I hope you have courage to live it out
This started with me wanting to describe, in a freestyle way, my desire to write songs about something different and turned into a poem about things I want to do, but just can't seem to.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Just Speak!
You say you’re fine
But your boyfriends on your mind
Something’s behind
What you don’t say
Where is it?
What is it?
What am I missing?
Still you say you’re alright
But you admit your parents had another fight
And I see it in your eyes
There’s something you hide
Where is it?
What is it?
What am I missing?
Just speak
Say anything
Anything you really mean
Don’t feel like you have to say it to me
I don’t mind not knowing if that’s how you need it to be
But let something out, I know you’ve got friends
Who’d hang onto you, whatever you said
I did it myself
With some words on a page
I let it all out
I’m stronger today
Where is it?
What is it?
What am I missing?
Just speak
Say anything
Anything you really mean
She speaks
This was originally made because I saw how people never said how they actually felt online. Now that may be smart of them not to tell much online, but it made me think about how people seem to do that in “normal” life too. I decided that my music was getting a little too depressing so I made our hero speak :)
But your boyfriends on your mind
Something’s behind
What you don’t say
Where is it?
What is it?
What am I missing?
Still you say you’re alright
But you admit your parents had another fight
And I see it in your eyes
There’s something you hide
Where is it?
What is it?
What am I missing?
Just speak
Say anything
Anything you really mean
Don’t feel like you have to say it to me
I don’t mind not knowing if that’s how you need it to be
But let something out, I know you’ve got friends
Who’d hang onto you, whatever you said
I did it myself
With some words on a page
I let it all out
I’m stronger today
Where is it?
What is it?
What am I missing?
Just speak
Say anything
Anything you really mean
She speaks
This was originally made because I saw how people never said how they actually felt online. Now that may be smart of them not to tell much online, but it made me think about how people seem to do that in “normal” life too. I decided that my music was getting a little too depressing so I made our hero speak :)
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Walk Away
Treat me like I’m blind
Treat me like a suck up
Cause I’ll say anything
For your satisfaction
Tell me not to think
Tell me to live your morals
Tell me what’s right and wrong
Cause I just cannot find that out
And you dare
To ask
Why they run away
And you dare
To ask
Why I walked away
Every day seemed the same
Of failing at the things you told me
And I was scared to death
Of telling you what I really thought
Could you have accepted me?
Or would you have backed away from me?
Would I have been condemned?
Like anyone… unlike you!
And you dare
To ask
Why they run away
And you dare
To ask
Why I walked away
Thank God
I saw through this
Thank God
I’m still alive
But I’m scared
For my friends
I’m scared cause they believe it
And I dare
To say
Why they run away
And I dare
To say
Thank God I walked away
Treat me like a suck up
Cause I’ll say anything
For your satisfaction
Tell me not to think
Tell me to live your morals
Tell me what’s right and wrong
Cause I just cannot find that out
And you dare
To ask
Why they run away
And you dare
To ask
Why I walked away
Every day seemed the same
Of failing at the things you told me
And I was scared to death
Of telling you what I really thought
Could you have accepted me?
Or would you have backed away from me?
Would I have been condemned?
Like anyone… unlike you!
And you dare
To ask
Why they run away
And you dare
To ask
Why I walked away
Thank God
I saw through this
Thank God
I’m still alive
But I’m scared
For my friends
I’m scared cause they believe it
And I dare
To say
Why they run away
And I dare
To say
Thank God I walked away
Monday, September 3, 2007
Free Style Mind Flow
Pointless
No purpose
So dark
Oh it don’t need to be
Just the thing
It’s what it is
I suppose
And I choose
This way I guess
My own private
Hell life
Out of site
Need to say goodnight
But I’m tired
Of waking up
To a nothing day
With nothing to say
And no meaningful way
Of living
So I type into the night
About my and the world’s plight
But no one likes to read
So I type for me
And I die trying to see
Why is there me
And why am I here
And what’s gonna happen next year
The news will talk a ton
About the awful thing we’ve done
And how this year
Is the worst it’s ever been
But I’m tired
And do I care
Is there enough beyond my doorstep
To step out
To take a risk
To take a chance
And believe
There is anything at all
Worthwhile
Just want to sleep tonight
And know I’ve grown
That I’m stronger
That I’m better
And that I woke up for a reason
And I earned my sleep
These raving disappoint me
Cause there’s nowhere else at all
That they bring me to
So I try to find revelation
In someone else song
In someone else’s story
In someone else’s thought
But thoughts are tainted
By politic
The lies
And the desire
For power
I’m running out of steam
And I wonder
If this got me closer to me
To some sort of understanding
No way
A wasted day
No purpose
So dark
Oh it don’t need to be
Just the thing
It’s what it is
I suppose
And I choose
This way I guess
My own private
Hell life
Out of site
Need to say goodnight
But I’m tired
Of waking up
To a nothing day
With nothing to say
And no meaningful way
Of living
So I type into the night
About my and the world’s plight
But no one likes to read
So I type for me
And I die trying to see
Why is there me
And why am I here
And what’s gonna happen next year
The news will talk a ton
About the awful thing we’ve done
And how this year
Is the worst it’s ever been
But I’m tired
And do I care
Is there enough beyond my doorstep
To step out
To take a risk
To take a chance
And believe
There is anything at all
Worthwhile
Just want to sleep tonight
And know I’ve grown
That I’m stronger
That I’m better
And that I woke up for a reason
And I earned my sleep
These raving disappoint me
Cause there’s nowhere else at all
That they bring me to
So I try to find revelation
In someone else song
In someone else’s story
In someone else’s thought
But thoughts are tainted
By politic
The lies
And the desire
For power
I’m running out of steam
And I wonder
If this got me closer to me
To some sort of understanding
No way
A wasted day
Saturday, August 25, 2007
American Church
I have no goal
I have no purpose
I’m hanging on
With all my might
But I’m slipping
And I can’t seem to stop
My fingernails ache
I cry out
And now who do I cry out to?
I fear complacency like the plague
But when there’s no other option
What does one choose?
I am scared
Yet I’m indifferent
I know love
Yet I wallow in hate
I’m lonely
Is there no one to comfort me?
We’re slipping, sliding, crawling up that narrow way
And we still hope that someone, somewhere has a plan
I have no purpose
I’m hanging on
With all my might
But I’m slipping
And I can’t seem to stop
My fingernails ache
I cry out
And now who do I cry out to?
I fear complacency like the plague
But when there’s no other option
What does one choose?
I am scared
Yet I’m indifferent
I know love
Yet I wallow in hate
I’m lonely
Is there no one to comfort me?
We’re slipping, sliding, crawling up that narrow way
And we still hope that someone, somewhere has a plan
Saturday, August 18, 2007
For My Generation
No regulations stop us
No legislation blocks us
We try to find a higher way
Or a bigger play
Anything to get us through the day
Or we burn in our hatred and rage
And we know something’s wrong with the world
And we long to try to fix it
But this ain’t our father’s battle
It’s the one that burns inside of us everyday
It’s the reason for knife fights, and girls lies, about feeling fine
It’s fueled by the flip-offs and road rage
The cuss-outs and wasted days
And silence in between
Sometimes it ends with a bullet in the brain
Obama and Bush
Clinton and McCain
Say they got the answer to the problem
But they don’t know what they face
It’s in who we are, not in what we do
In the rage that rages on between me and you
So don’t find yourself a new political campaign
Cause it just fuels our hate, if we let it get away
So find something real
Some higher ideal
Trust in a God
Follow more than what you feel
Open your eyes, you know I say what’s true
Do something to change or it’ll be the end of you
No legislation blocks us
We try to find a higher way
Or a bigger play
Anything to get us through the day
Or we burn in our hatred and rage
And we know something’s wrong with the world
And we long to try to fix it
But this ain’t our father’s battle
It’s the one that burns inside of us everyday
It’s the reason for knife fights, and girls lies, about feeling fine
It’s fueled by the flip-offs and road rage
The cuss-outs and wasted days
And silence in between
Sometimes it ends with a bullet in the brain
Obama and Bush
Clinton and McCain
Say they got the answer to the problem
But they don’t know what they face
It’s in who we are, not in what we do
In the rage that rages on between me and you
So don’t find yourself a new political campaign
Cause it just fuels our hate, if we let it get away
So find something real
Some higher ideal
Trust in a God
Follow more than what you feel
Open your eyes, you know I say what’s true
Do something to change or it’ll be the end of you
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Powerless
I watch her life go down
As I see from a distance
She’s falling fast
I’m scared to death
She’ll never right
And I watch
And I can’t move
Another day
Burned away
She’s going down
She’s going down
And I’m… powerless
I just thought I'd mention that this song is specifically about two people I knew. They both had a lot of "stuff" happen in their lives, but, due to things working out how they did, my relationship with them had turned fairly distant. So I was left with just occational updates on how they were, and no real way to help.
As I see from a distance
She’s falling fast
I’m scared to death
She’ll never right
And I watch
And I can’t move
Another day
Burned away
She’s going down
She’s going down
And I’m… powerless
I just thought I'd mention that this song is specifically about two people I knew. They both had a lot of "stuff" happen in their lives, but, due to things working out how they did, my relationship with them had turned fairly distant. So I was left with just occational updates on how they were, and no real way to help.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Poetic Rant-Missing Stuff
I’m tired now
Of going round and round
I want to breakdown
Or cry out and release
But everything
I still hold in me
I see faces I remember
I see people that I know
I want to forget
I don’t know if it’s better
To never have known
To never have felt
What it is
To be alive
Cause death does not feel like death
When you’ve never been alive
So am I still alive?
Or have I died?
Of going round and round
I want to breakdown
Or cry out and release
But everything
I still hold in me
I see faces I remember
I see people that I know
I want to forget
I don’t know if it’s better
To never have known
To never have felt
What it is
To be alive
Cause death does not feel like death
When you’ve never been alive
So am I still alive?
Or have I died?
Friday, June 29, 2007
A Conversation With God
I’m not good enough, I’m deep in sin, they all say
They’re fools, I choose you that way
I haven’t changed, still addiction crazed
Did you think I didn’t see that when I first came your way?
I’m one to condemn, and righteously so
I love you more than you’ll ever know
Can I hear You say “I still love you this way”?
Yes, always, I love you that way
Sweet Jesus now I know, You never, ever let me go
Dear child, you know, I never, EVER let you go
They’re fools, I choose you that way
I haven’t changed, still addiction crazed
Did you think I didn’t see that when I first came your way?
I’m one to condemn, and righteously so
I love you more than you’ll ever know
Can I hear You say “I still love you this way”?
Yes, always, I love you that way
Sweet Jesus now I know, You never, ever let me go
Dear child, you know, I never, EVER let you go
Thursday, June 28, 2007
My Own War
A distant battle to them
Like thunder in the breeze
I wish they could see
This is real to me
Like thunder in the breeze
I wish they could see
This is real to me
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Alive
You've never felt so bad before
But you have no idea why
You've got everything, still you're doubting
You feel guilty for wasted time
You cry out begging for forgiveness
And secretly wonder if He's there
Apathy takes over
Existence continues
Is there anything here?
But politics and lies
I don't want another sermon
I want to feel alive
You wake up half past seven
Hit the snooze a second time
Hope to God the day goes quickly
So you can rest another night
You're fearful of your every heartbeat
And wonder what happens when you die
Sleep can't take over
You cry through the night
Is there anything to this?
Is our "faith" a lie
I can't bear another lesson
I just need to feel alive
He proved the failure with a leap
A leap, a cut, a drug
They said he was a sinner
One of "them", he never knew
You may pity this man
But can you say he isn't you?
But you have no idea why
You've got everything, still you're doubting
You feel guilty for wasted time
You cry out begging for forgiveness
And secretly wonder if He's there
Apathy takes over
Existence continues
Is there anything here?
But politics and lies
I don't want another sermon
I want to feel alive
You wake up half past seven
Hit the snooze a second time
Hope to God the day goes quickly
So you can rest another night
You're fearful of your every heartbeat
And wonder what happens when you die
Sleep can't take over
You cry through the night
Is there anything to this?
Is our "faith" a lie
I can't bear another lesson
I just need to feel alive
He proved the failure with a leap
A leap, a cut, a drug
They said he was a sinner
One of "them", he never knew
You may pity this man
But can you say he isn't you?
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Rebellion
I can’t trust you to define me
To tell me what it is to succeed
Because last time I did that
It was almost the end of me
I know you don’t understand me
I suppose it’s the way it has to be
My actions will not please you
I’m not who you wanted me to be
And I’ll pray to God we understand
That I can’t live to please you
Another failure in your eyes
Leaves a shiver down my spine
Because last time I felt that
I almost took my life
I’ve changed the way I look at life
You’re such a smaller part
I’m sorry you’ll never read this
To understand my heart
And I’ll pray to God we understand
That I can’t live to please you
I pray to God to give me strength
To never live to please you
To tell me what it is to succeed
Because last time I did that
It was almost the end of me
I know you don’t understand me
I suppose it’s the way it has to be
My actions will not please you
I’m not who you wanted me to be
And I’ll pray to God we understand
That I can’t live to please you
Another failure in your eyes
Leaves a shiver down my spine
Because last time I felt that
I almost took my life
I’ve changed the way I look at life
You’re such a smaller part
I’m sorry you’ll never read this
To understand my heart
And I’ll pray to God we understand
That I can’t live to please you
I pray to God to give me strength
To never live to please you
Thursday, May 24, 2007
First Rap (White Boy Style, Enjoy :-)
This is rap, never happened be-fore, rhymes don’t fall off my lips like someone who’s worth more, than a sit in my room never let the world see kinda guy, since I guess I’m now an MC gotta put it in my rhyme, nothing to say to do to feel to break it though the absence of any sense just try to make it through, a life and a night and crappy paper write word cite never gonna get it right, C no D average maybe gotta get a A to make the F a D a C and survive college life, I’m out of rhymes, nothing more to say tonight, hope to God that tomorrow I get it right, one thing to say before I turn out the light for tonight goodnight.
Wide eyed and terrified
I see their faces
Kosovo, Rwanda, Dafur
I see their eyes
Wide eyed and terrified
In the strongest man
Losing his love, his life
A man like me
Wide eyed and terrified
An honest man
To a ghost of a man
This generation
Wide eyed and terrified
He will survive
It’s so cliché
But he’s not alive
Is he wide eyed and terrified?
Or just gone
What does he think in the dark?
Dreams like mine?
Is he wide eyed and terrified?
Kosovo, Rwanda, Dafur
I see their eyes
Wide eyed and terrified
In the strongest man
Losing his love, his life
A man like me
Wide eyed and terrified
An honest man
To a ghost of a man
This generation
Wide eyed and terrified
He will survive
It’s so cliché
But he’s not alive
Is he wide eyed and terrified?
Or just gone
What does he think in the dark?
Dreams like mine?
Is he wide eyed and terrified?
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
My Thoughts-"Searching/Paper"
I suppose I should write this since I’m not writing my paper. Maybe this will help me get out what needs to get out so I can concentrate on what I should. I’m searching for something. I have no idea what and I have no method for finding it, but I am searching.
I’ve been reading short stories. Most of the authors have no talent; they simply write the same shallow stuff that all of us know so well, nothing interesting. Others try too hard, they try to put more into a situation than there is, or badly explain what is not so easy to see. Only one so far has seemed to have gotten it with “Drive North” (I want to say that’s what it is).
The characters are few, only two that you get to know well, but you get to know them very well. One is obviously the “bad” character and the other is “good” but the bad guy is not evil. His actions are bad, but he takes no delight in them, only apathy. The good character is running and hiding from her bad father. She has a simple, desperate desire to be free and alive. Maybe the point of the story is that both of them want the same thing, but the bad guy has given up, and the good girl is losing her chance.
Maybe I like the honesty of what happens. Sure, mob murder is not something most of us will never have to deal with, but the fact is that life is unfair and something we fall slowly (like Ed, the bad guy, in the story). Sometimes we can’t win; sometimes the struggle is useless. And our failures don’t kill us, they simply make us not care; maybe an automatic response to the pain. And even though everyone’s trying to tell me that it’s wrong to be apathetic, I don’t think the choice is always ours to make.
Sometimes I want to just let Thousand Foot Krutch play again, to get this out of my head for a bit, but I feel like I’m denying who I am. I don’t want to write this paper, but it’s because it simply isn’t me. I don’t really care about the issue, nor do I have some terrible need to succeed and get my high school diploma.
I just want to go home, wherever and whatever that is. I want something I can hold. Someplace where living is not a forced activity; heaven perhaps? David Gray comes to mind “Sail away with me, what will be will be, I want to hold you now, now”
I’ve been reading short stories. Most of the authors have no talent; they simply write the same shallow stuff that all of us know so well, nothing interesting. Others try too hard, they try to put more into a situation than there is, or badly explain what is not so easy to see. Only one so far has seemed to have gotten it with “Drive North” (I want to say that’s what it is).
The characters are few, only two that you get to know well, but you get to know them very well. One is obviously the “bad” character and the other is “good” but the bad guy is not evil. His actions are bad, but he takes no delight in them, only apathy. The good character is running and hiding from her bad father. She has a simple, desperate desire to be free and alive. Maybe the point of the story is that both of them want the same thing, but the bad guy has given up, and the good girl is losing her chance.
Maybe I like the honesty of what happens. Sure, mob murder is not something most of us will never have to deal with, but the fact is that life is unfair and something we fall slowly (like Ed, the bad guy, in the story). Sometimes we can’t win; sometimes the struggle is useless. And our failures don’t kill us, they simply make us not care; maybe an automatic response to the pain. And even though everyone’s trying to tell me that it’s wrong to be apathetic, I don’t think the choice is always ours to make.
Sometimes I want to just let Thousand Foot Krutch play again, to get this out of my head for a bit, but I feel like I’m denying who I am. I don’t want to write this paper, but it’s because it simply isn’t me. I don’t really care about the issue, nor do I have some terrible need to succeed and get my high school diploma.
I just want to go home, wherever and whatever that is. I want something I can hold. Someplace where living is not a forced activity; heaven perhaps? David Gray comes to mind “Sail away with me, what will be will be, I want to hold you now, now”
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Tired of Life
God I can’t see a reason behind this one
I just don’t, don’t know why
It’s not too hard, there’s just no use
I don’t want to die but I see no reason to live
Is this a decision?
I’m just your average guy
There’s no, no reason or rhyme
Nothing to be accomplished, nothing but survive
No end, no purpose, getting behind
Am I alive?
Will I die?
I just don’t, don’t know why
It’s not too hard, there’s just no use
I don’t want to die but I see no reason to live
Is this a decision?
I’m just your average guy
There’s no, no reason or rhyme
Nothing to be accomplished, nothing but survive
No end, no purpose, getting behind
Am I alive?
Will I die?
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
The Rich
The richest kid in the neighborhood
Got the stuff, but the money is a curse
You’re ridiculed for being weak, cause you’ve got every chance to succeed
I know you know what I mean
Is it easier when you can fail and no one will criticize everything?
And should tomorrow be the end?
No, don’t think like that, it’s wrong, it’s a sin
Sunday, the day of rest, the day of the devil
Cause we’ve got the time to hear each other whine
And the message is lost in the belief that I’m the holiest man alive
Everyone else is wrong in public, and I won’t ask what you think before you sleep
And there no such thing as a good Christian family
Tell me honest
Should tomorrow be the end?
Don’t think like that, it’s wrong, it’s a sin
I dream that God was made to keep us in line
Don’t touch the girls, don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t swear
Religion is the tool of dictators, small and large, to cause action by fear
Honestly, I’m sick of fear
Leave me alone, I’ll make religion my own
But I fear that I’m wrong
And I ask myself
Should tomorrow be the end?
No! Don’t think like that, it’s wrong, it’s a sin
And I’m the richest kid, I struggle to stay alive or make something die
I don’t want to be poor, but I’m tired of being rich
Cause everyone in middle-class America lives blind
In a screwed up world of no sacrifice
We don’t say it
But we think it
Should tomorrow be the end?
Don’t think like that
Don’t think like that
Don’t think like that
Got the stuff, but the money is a curse
You’re ridiculed for being weak, cause you’ve got every chance to succeed
I know you know what I mean
Is it easier when you can fail and no one will criticize everything?
And should tomorrow be the end?
No, don’t think like that, it’s wrong, it’s a sin
Sunday, the day of rest, the day of the devil
Cause we’ve got the time to hear each other whine
And the message is lost in the belief that I’m the holiest man alive
Everyone else is wrong in public, and I won’t ask what you think before you sleep
And there no such thing as a good Christian family
Tell me honest
Should tomorrow be the end?
Don’t think like that, it’s wrong, it’s a sin
I dream that God was made to keep us in line
Don’t touch the girls, don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t swear
Religion is the tool of dictators, small and large, to cause action by fear
Honestly, I’m sick of fear
Leave me alone, I’ll make religion my own
But I fear that I’m wrong
And I ask myself
Should tomorrow be the end?
No! Don’t think like that, it’s wrong, it’s a sin
And I’m the richest kid, I struggle to stay alive or make something die
I don’t want to be poor, but I’m tired of being rich
Cause everyone in middle-class America lives blind
In a screwed up world of no sacrifice
We don’t say it
But we think it
Should tomorrow be the end?
Don’t think like that
Don’t think like that
Don’t think like that
Monday, March 19, 2007
I Hope
I just want to feel… ok
I just don’t want to feel this way
How? You ask
Not home. I say
I’ve never been there
Never felt how I know I should
There’s more, I’ve heard in a thousand stories
There’s a place called home
Where your family is always your biggest fan
And you can tell your friends the world and…
There’s no reason for them not to tell
And the darker secrets of one’s life
Need not hold you in fear
And in death could I find my home?
Could I find a place…
Could I find it?
Where you don’t see
All the ways I’ve marred me
I don’t really believe
I dare to hope is all
I hope
God
If you’re real
I think you should know
I hope
I just don’t want to feel this way
How? You ask
Not home. I say
I’ve never been there
Never felt how I know I should
There’s more, I’ve heard in a thousand stories
There’s a place called home
Where your family is always your biggest fan
And you can tell your friends the world and…
There’s no reason for them not to tell
And the darker secrets of one’s life
Need not hold you in fear
And in death could I find my home?
Could I find a place…
Could I find it?
Where you don’t see
All the ways I’ve marred me
I don’t really believe
I dare to hope is all
I hope
God
If you’re real
I think you should know
I hope
Friday, February 9, 2007
Ordinary
That word; does it describe me? If someone could really see all of me would they use that to describe me? Who am I… I go to school, I slack with my homework, I whine, I complain, I cuss, I like music. 18 year old guy to a tee; generic. I define us, all of us 18 year old guys; I just don’t do the retarded crap that is so popular. What’s different is that I’m intensely religious. I don’t act like it, is it a burden? I think it’s crap; at least what’s taught. I wish I could have the balls, the mind, the power to change it… but I don’t. We will continue to talk together in these encryptions that we can’t understand. No language can explain this, only action, but words are cheap and easy to sell. Another day of preaching life that people will never choose. Poverty, pain, struggles, hours days and years, no, a lifetime, and with a bloody or lonely death; we wouldn’t choose that until we see that our account has been filled somehow. To sacrifice; no, we wouldn’t. But it’s me too. We’re far from ok, far from what we should be; we’re glorified ordinary. But can we just be ordinary? No, but what sets us apart should not be my beliefs shooting down yours, or my moral standards being higher than the other guy’s. But that’s what defines us, maybe not me, or maybe at least I’m disgusted that it does. So I’m as arrogant an ass (forgive my French) as everyone else. Can I break into normal; just showing people how they may become what they’d rather be. No
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Fishhook
The salesman, the politician
The lie of something better
The dream of something real
They succeed only to kill
They play the blame game only to get to the top
We swallowed it sinker, hook and line
We’ve greased the way
We’ll die in this place
My heart and mind swim free
But soon enough they’ll catch me
So my friend, learn from me
What I believe
If dieing for an enemy is gain
We can endure any pain
And if hurting an enemy is death
They’ve got no argument left
(Pause and think my friend
Think of where we could have been)
…
They’ll catch me soon
Don’t bite it too
The lie of something better
The dream of something real
They succeed only to kill
They play the blame game only to get to the top
We swallowed it sinker, hook and line
We’ve greased the way
We’ll die in this place
My heart and mind swim free
But soon enough they’ll catch me
So my friend, learn from me
What I believe
If dieing for an enemy is gain
We can endure any pain
And if hurting an enemy is death
They’ve got no argument left
(Pause and think my friend
Think of where we could have been)
…
They’ll catch me soon
Don’t bite it too
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