Shit happens all the time...

Thanks to Jon Lajoie for inspiring this post with the line:

"Shit happens all the time and you learn how to deal with it, regular, everyday, normal fucking bullshit!" -Everyday Regular Normal Guy II by Jon Lajoie

So I was looking through this blog and realized that it had become very much a collection of poetry. This isn't a bad thing per-se, I'm happy that I've been able to produce enough song-quality poetry so I have something to work with when I start messing around on an instrument (it's a bouzouki right now, but that's a different story), but that's not why this blog exists. It exists so that I can submit my thoughts to the world, and poetry is not the only way to do that.

So back to Everyday Regular Normal Guy II. I've been a just a bit down lately, not a lot, but enough to irritate me. I've been thinking about it quite a bit, and I couldn't quite put my finger on what was bringing me down until I heard that line. That's it, it's normal fucking bullshit that has me down. I'm away from family and friends for the holidays and I don't like it. I'm in a new place and I don't know anyone, it fucking blows. It's not huge philosophical reasoning that has me down, it's the everyday, normal fucking grind of life.

I also realized that my coping mechanisms have improved dramatically in the last 3 years. It's like the song says: "We learn how to deal with it". This will be my third Christmas away from home. The first one ripped me up pretty badly, the last one was pretty cool, but I had to make a major effort to get it to not suck, and this one? Well, I'm not there yet, so I don't know how I'll deal with it, but I have a pretty strong feeling I'll be ok. It won't be the best day of the year for me, that's for sure, but I'll have a couple beers, pass out, and get on with life on December 26.

I guess I don't have that much else to say. I've mostly figured out that I'm not going to find real answers to the hard questions I have, not even answers that will satisfy me, and I'm mostly ok with that. Chances are, there aren't real answers anyway and it's a waste of time thinking too much about it.

So here I am; not that special. Just learning to deal with everyday, normal fucking bullshit.

Complete fucking sidebar... I just realized I quoted Buffy the Vampire Slayer on this blog like 2 years ago and didn't even know it, FML.

9 In the Morning

It's nine A.M. where you are
And I know you're still asleep
Hungover and happy
So I won't call now

It's seven thousand miles to where you are
And I remind myself it's crazy
These thoughts I still entertain
But you captivated me

Maybe we could of, should of
Been more
Maybe we could of, should of
Been together, you and me

To live so carefully, so kindly
Maybe the best thing I can respect
And faithfully told me no
Along with the rest

To live so honestly, so freely
Maybe the one thing I had to offer
I'll write you this song
And let you be

Maybe we could of, should of
Been more
Maybe we could of, should of
Been together, you and me

Maybe we could of
Maybe we could of
I think we should have
Been together... you and me

I don't call you
It's nine in the morning
And you're still hungover
And I'm still 7,000 miles away

This is about me and a good friend. We had mutual feelings for each other, but she was in a relationship at the time. She wouldn't leave him for me, because she didn't think it was right, and I wouldn't press her, for the same reason. As it ends up, I moved 7,000 miles away and she's still there. I know the chances of our living in the same area again are slim, so I don't want her to wait for me if this last relationship doesn't work out. On the same token, I don't regret a moment I spent with her. We had, have, a great friendship and that short time we were together as friends is not a memory to be thrown away lightly.

I was listening to Brighter Than Sunshine by Aqualung and Passenger Seat by Death Cab for Cutie when I wrote this.

I made a mistake when I wrote the song, it was actually noon where she was, and she was probably awake, but now I'm so tired and reflective that I need to go to bed. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

The Needless Sacrifice

You almost convinced me
I almost believed it
But faithlessly I reject it
I will suffer for my crimes

I came to the edge of water
To pretend to pass my sorrow
But this is my chance to amplify
I will suffer for my crimes

Tell me it's alright
Tell me time heals it
Tell me your lies
I'll bury my knife in my own side

And I will pay for this
Don't you dare, the burden is mine
I will pay for you too
The eternal sacrifice

I will pay for all of it
The needless sacrifice
I'll bleed for all our sins
I'll break for all the crimes
The burden is mine
The eternal blasphemy
Of the blood of Christ

The burden is mine
I'll pay for my crimes!

These debts aren't forgiven
I must still do my time
The sentence is a lifetime
Forgive me when I die

The burden is a lifetime
Forgive me while you watch me die

I wrote this song while listening to “Vicarious” by Tool. It is about, and for, all who blame themselves for things that have already been forgiven, and perhaps even forgotten. What may become the key phrase in the song is: “The eternal blasphemy of the blood of Christ”. While it's primarily a symbol of forgiveness that is not accepted, it is also aimed at Christians, who's belief should do nothing but allow them to forgive themselves. Specifically, that section is there for my dad, who is a steadfast Christian and deals with more self-hate than any non-suicidal person I know.

Disappointed

Maybe I'm hateful
Maybe I'm so damn spiteful
Maybe I can't forgive you
Maybe I'm, maybe
So what!

I'm disappointed in you
I'm so tired of you
Disappointed with me
So damn tired of me

Maybe I hate you
Maybe I cannot take you anymore
Maybe I won't forgive you
Maybe I, maybe
So what!

Why can't we separate
You're in my blood it seems
Why can't we separate
Swimming through my veins in seems

And maybe I, maybe I
So what!

I hate you
I'm so damn spiteful
I won't forgive you
And I'm, and I'm

Disappointed, disappointed
Why can't I leave you?
Disappointed, disappointed
Why can't I leave you?
Disappointed, disappointed
Why can't I leave you?
Disappointed, disappointed
Why can't I leave you?

This song was heavily influenced by “Passive” by a Perfect Circle. It was a stretch for me lyrically, because I've been very intent on not directing hate towards anyone. It was uncomfortable letting those things surface, but I think it's a necessary part of life.

When I started this song, I didn't have any particular person or situation in mind, but as I was writing it two situations seemed to fit. First, my parents, who have dealt with an unloving and unfaithful relationship for years; and second, a couple of friends who got into a long-distance relationship and never trusted each other not to cheat.

Divide the Integer

Intelligent
With every piece of information
Lined up and arranged in the perfect pattern
Lined up
Exact
Precise
And accurate

But the knowledge is no comfort
The precision is a demon
Waiting to tear apart his soul

The wisdom is a pitfall
And he can't understand the symbols
So he organizes, rearranges, and tries again

It eludes him
He can sense it
But can't comprehend its form
These glasses don't clear the fog
These hearing aids can't filter out the white noise
He stops to catch his breath
And it's all gone

It's the wisdom of god beyond his fingertips
Something his mind can't reason out
Repeat, reset, divide the integer by zero
And spin until he's stopped

Another sleepless night
Giving way to depression and exhaustion
Repeat, reset, divide the integer by zero
Can't stop the cycle

Divide it again
My mind again
My time again
My sanity again
Again, again, again, again

Cycle the switch
Reset, repeat
Again, again, again, again...

This is very much a rough draft, but I felt it was important to post. It's about my own struggle to solve the enigma of life, which is what most of my posts are about anyway. For those of you who don't know, it is impossible to divide an integer by zero. Modern computers are programed to recognize this and won't even attempt it, but some very old computers will try to do the math. The result is that they get stuck in a processing loop that repeats endlessly and takes all the resources of the computer. The easiest way to stop this is to reset the computer. I hope that gives you some perspective.

Reflection

Look back every now and then
And see the world rushing by
Look back my friend
At the world floating by

High above the atmosphere
Beyond the sea and sky
In a world of yesterday
Sailing through the years

Discard all the wrong
Only the good will remain
Fondly it smiles at us
All the times we've had

Time races in this whirlwind life
But it's a good thing to reflect sometimes

Gratitude

I'll weep for you when you go
A friend had never been more true
But I'm far away for now
And can only listen on the other line

Rehab, relapse, repeat
Yeah I know
The same old line
It's just a part of life

Watch you cry as we take that drive
We both know what's in store
A smoke to delay what must be done
I turn to go and look away

Rehab, relapse, repeat
Yeah it's true
Just like last time
It's the way you die
It's the reason I cry

Screaming awake at three A.M.
Can't comprehend the pain you're feeling
Scared to death you won't survive
When the red and white lights arrive

Rehab, relapse, fuck this cycle
Out again and in again
Why does it have to be me?
Who watches you die from this disease

Choked up, toked up
On that road again
Can't stop the tears this time
But in silence I'll drive
It wasn't me who saved a life
It wasn't you who attempted suicide
A friend had never been more true
When I was so down, so blue

Rehab, relapse, repeat
I'll always be there for you

The lyrics are fiction, but it was inspired by Sarah (don't know, nor would I say, her last name). Musically, it was inspired by “Better Than Love” by Griffin House. The point of the song was for people to think twice when they look down on someone. There are a few lines I may clean up later, but in case I don't, here it is.

Serene Car Crash

Screeching tires
Broken glass
Blood on the dash
Is it mine?
Time of day's changed
Or did the clouds roll in?
How long has it been
Can't move my head
To see by my side
Are you alright?
What's that sound?
What's that light?
Sirens
A medic's flashlight
Don't move, don't move, don't move!
Repeat it in my head
I'm fading
It goes dark

POW!
Icy water
Medic's overhead
Paddles in hand
We're almost there
A reassuring voice
Fading again
Will I wake?
Black

Wake up again
A sea of green and blue
So serene
Morphine?
Anxious voices
My blood on her hands
Her hands!
How'd she fare?
The words won't come out
Be calm, be calm, be calm!

Wish for sleep now
But the lights are so bright
My blood so red
The voice so familiar
The voice so concerned
Who could she be?

Feel it deep inside
I don't have much time
Reflect on days gone by
I'm glad I was alive

My Darkest Season

I look beyond the lines of reason
The darkest cords of life unreeling
I can't decide what it is I see
The emptiness or the depths of me

The quietness of night is screaming
“The peace I've made in dark is bleeding”
As dawn awakes into the day
And we all go about our business

I walk in stride, the day's unending
Another lie, some more pretending
Another chant, another chord
Another tear we can't afford

I lie beside her now she's sleeping
Smiling in her deepest dreaming
But I'm awake, can't sleep, still thinking
Reason out this darkest season

inspired by “The Season” by the Dodos, Tool, and Mordekye Layman

It Will Never Happen

It will never happen, but if we can't dream awake, why wake up?

My first question after the introductions would be: What does your name mean?

Maybe then I'd follow with the question: Can you control your dreams? We'd talk about the greatest experience we've ever had. Flying with no wings, visiting family long gone, running headlong into a train just to do it. Don't understand? Learn to direct your dreams, you'll never have a better time.

I'd tell her my pain, my failure, my fear. She'd tell me hers and we'd empathize.

We'd get drunk together like children who had never tasted alcohol and wake up and recover from the hangover. I'll make her some Ramon, and give her some Gatorade and we'll piece the details of last night together.

When I finally got to know her well, very well. We'd go out on the coast with sleeping bags and let the dawn awake us. I'd put my arm under her head, and she'd tilt her head towards me and we'd watch the sun rise over the sea. I'd push her hair behind her ear, hear the surf, watch the sun turn her face orange, and yes darling, we'd be so happy, you and me.

But I don't know who you are my dear, and it will never happen

Have You Ever Dreamed About the Sea?

Did you ever dreamed about the sea?
The crashing in your ears, the power,the peace of it all
The wind blowing off the waves
The birds flying overhead
The salt scent mixed with rotting kelp stranded from a storm
Have you ever dreamed about the sea?
No, my friend, I never have... but I can't wait!

War Song

As I lay down this gun
As I take off this armor
As I take the helmet off my head one last time

I wonder
I dream
I cry alone
I sing

I tremble
I fear
And I know
It consumed me

I walk back into the world alone
No one to watch my back
No one keep me safe and no one to protect

So I wonder
I dream
I cry alone
I sing

I tremble
I fear
I think
Is this me?

I'm good at destroying now
But it's time to create
I know I've become obsolete

And I wonder
I dream
Can there be
A different me?

I tremble
I fear
And I know
It still consumes me

The Big Rocks

Photo by Martin LaBar of Flickr

Someone was once trying to fill a barrel with big rocks, smaller rocks, gravel and sand. He filled it with the sand first, the gravel next and then started on the rocks. By the time he got there, the barrel was full and he had nowhere to put the rest, After so much wasted effort, he emptied the barrel and started again, putting the big rocks in first. In this way, he fully utilized the space in the barrel and it all fit. The meaning of this parable is simple: You must solve major issues before you can solve smaller ones.

The biggest issue I have is this: what is the meaning of life? I've determined that to the best of my ability. Without some compelling evidence otherwise, there is none. This is also known as Nihilism. While this is not the most cheery or useful of beliefs. Based off of my observations and my understanding of the world, I believe it to be the closest to the truth (and truth is something I value greatly).

For a brief period of time after I came to believe this, I thought my pursuit of philosophy was at an end. However, now that I have placed this biggest rock in the barrel if you will, I can deal with some of the smaller ones with some meaningful (or completely meaningless, considering it's coming from a Nihilist) context.

The next rocks? This one comes from my reading the famous sci-fi "Dune" (just started reading the book): Government. What do I think about governments? What should their goals be? What type is the best? Democracy or something else?

I believe the current form of government in the United States is largely reactionary and except for basic functions (maintaining roads, stuff like that), it is unable to make commitments to long-term goals. I also believe that this is leading to America's demise. Our politicians are primarily activists as opposed to political thinkers and I think that should change, but I don't know what system would cause that. I will have to research and study and it will probably will take a while, but that is my current focus.

Tonight's Dream-Naomi

If I have many more dreams, I think I'll start a new blog to document them, but for now, they're going here. The thing that amazes me about dreams is how detailed they are and also how much slips through the cracks. I can remember precise information on what people are wearing, layout of terrain, light sources etc. but I can't remember why that person is there.

So my dream-Naomi:

I was in a barely-furnished apartment on the second floor at around 10-11 at night. The apartment had a small concrete balcony with a steel handrail. Someone came to the door and I answered it. It was a couple in their mid-twenties. I had just gotten to the apartments a couple of weeks ago and was only there temporarily, so I didn't really know anyone. They had some issue with getting into their apartment or contacting someone to pick them up or something like that and needed a phone to contact someone.

We got into a casual conversation over a beer while they waited for a friend to come help with their problem. I told them that I just got there and would only be there for a few months. When I told them this, they invited me to a party they were going to.

After a little more small talk, their friends came by. There were probably about 4 of them, meaning there were now 7 people in my apartment. I had a good stock of beer so we shared some beer and I met a few people, including one guy who was really tall (he was notable, but I don't know why). After a little while we decided to head to the other party. It was on that walk that I met Naomi.

We walked out of the apartment building and went on a road to the right which bordered a field on the left. There were no sidewalks and no traffic, so we walked down the middle of the road as a disorganized gaggle. The streetlights were only on the right side were the only source of light. It had just rained and the asphalt was wet. It FELT like rain, I could feel the moisture and I could smell it.

The couple that originally came to the door walked slower and I walked with them since I knew them better than anyone else there. They pointed out people and told me who they were. Naomi is the only one I remember.

She was walking between the couple and me and the main group in front. She was probably 5'6", a little overweight (not obese), had pale skin, and dark hair a bit past her shoulders that flipped up a bit when it hit her shoulders. She was wearing a black sleeveless shirt and jeans. her shirt was ribbed with vertical ribs. I don't know how/why I remember details like that.

I walked up to her right side and introduced myself in a sort of awkward way. She introduced herself and smiled at me, I smiled back. We didn't talk much knowing we would get to know each other better at the party. We just walked together, enjoying the night...

RING!!!!! RING!!!!!!!

I'm wide awake now.

Dammit, it was a dream!

-Me
"Hello?"

-Coworker
"Hey, are you ready for work yet?"

-Me
"I don't work today"


-Coworker
"Oh, sorry for waking you up" (he sounded genuinely regretful, so I couldn't be that pissed)

-Me
"It's alright"

-Coworker
"Alright, well I'll talk to you later"

-Me
"Later"

On an afterthought, I probably wouldn't have remembered the dream at all if he hadn't called, so I really can't be pissed at all. Someone once said something like this: You know you're living your dreams when you wake up and don't regret leaving your dreams cause real life is that good. I didn't enjoy waking up, so my life isn't that good yet.

Guilt, Pain and a Father

Photo by "Takras" of Flickr

My father is out of work. He has been out of work for a while. My mother found he left the country to follow a wild fantasy of his own. She accepted him back, but it's not the same. He has a million regrets.

I feel terrible for him, cause I know what it feels like. What it feels like to remember sharply a wrong you did years ago. How it bites you and torments you to the point where you want to strike out against something, but the only one to blame is yourself. I KNOW HOW IT FEELS.

What I don't is how to help him. To let him realize how much I respect him. To have him realize all the good he's done. It's the fatal flaw of the perfectionist; there is only one score you keep, and that's how many shots you gave up.

These are easy to calculate, but the other's are always harder for some reason. There was someone who did a study that said that a person has to have 7 times as many good things happen to him as bad for them to accept things as generally good. I don't know if he's right, but it seems correct. It's a hard tally to keep.

I love my father, and more than that I empathize. I KNOW what he's feeling; I FEEL what he's feeling. My mom loves him too, but she does not know what he feels. To her it's a science experiment; you can explain in detail every bit of the story, but the greater meaning is lost. She doesn't feel it; but she understands that I understand... and she has no idea how.

I want to break through to my dad, so we can communicate as friends. So he can understand he's not alone, to understand we're in this together, to understand I'd do anything for him... cause as his son I know he'd do anything for me. I just don't know how.

Currently listening to: The Mission (M is for Milla Mix) by Puscifer

New Blog

So I had a really dumb idea for a new blog that I rejected several hours after I created it, and then I was left with a blog with no theme or posts. The wise man would say "Delete the blog" which I would have, but I have no idea how to do that, so there it was, blank and with no purpose.

I tossed around a couple of ideas and finally settled on this: I'm going to try to find 368 (less than random number, but you'll have to ask if you really care that much) things that I want to do in my lifetime and I'll try to post one a day, for 368 days. It's kind of related to my whole free-to-live Nihilistic thing that's developed for the past couple years.

Wish me luck!

I'm a screaming Nihilist... what now?

Thanks to  Stephen Poff of Flickr for the pic... Awesome leap!

As Showbread would say: No sir, Nihilism is not Practical.

It's not practical, but I believe it to be the most correct view there is based upon the evidence and I've never been one to follow or believe something due to convenience. So, the question still remains: what now?

Tomorrow I'm gonna go rock climbing. Why? I have no fucking clue. When I finally get done with my work week, I'm going to get raging drunk with a friend I haven't seen for more than a year. We'll have a great time, and I'll probably pass out on her couch. The next morning will be hell. Why you ask, cause I could do that or I could be doing nothing. Nothing is nothing. It's not worthwhile, so I might as well enjoy what little time I have as a self aware being.

It feels stupid to have the whole of humanity boil down to something so simple. I've searched everything, but it all goes back to enjoy it! It's the only life we've got and whether or not I save the world doesn't make a damn difference. If I enjoyed myself and can still live with myself, I'm more of a success than the majority of the planet.

So it's a dismal view on humanity and existence, but it's a great view on life in general. Every door is open to me. Nothing in the world matters, so there's nothing I cannot do. Life watch out! Here I come!!!!!!!

Currently listening to: Sticks and Stones by Jamie T

On patrol again: My return from haitus

Thanks to "TGKW" of Flickr for the image

So it's been a long time since I've typed anything in this blog, and even through I regret not having those memories in words, I needed some time away from this... this never ending search for something that matters. I needed some peace, some quiet. Not to say that those demons haven't tortured me every week I've been away, but it hasn't been constant, and I guess I haven't let it become coherent.

Since the last time I wrote, I've been up; I've been down. I've had some amazing times that will take time to forget (I won't say I'll never forget, because everything fades with time). But those times are not for here, it is the past, and my struggle must continue. I can't ignore this forever. There has to be a resolution. So I'm back here again, typing my daily thoughts again.

It's very similar to a post I made a long time ago, when I was writing a paper for college. I stayed up for hours upon hours searching... for nothing in particular, but just searching. For something to blow my mind I guess. Well I'm back, searching again, back on patrol.

I have to work in a couple hours, but I'll be back; and soon.

To all those on patrol, I bid you good luck!

Currently listening to "Let Go" by Everest