Peace

Thanks to "becoming brina" of Flickr for the pic!

I stare into the open sky

The wind on my back gently chills me
And I see the sea gulls drift by
I take a deep breath and let it go so slowly
My eyelids fall and it's night
I feel the sand in between my toes
And the wind blows it in patterns at my feet
I open my eyes and the waves crash in my ears
I look above at the sky again and see the clouds drift by
Wispy and high, and far beyond me
I look to my left and I see you laying there
I reach over and sweep the hair from your eyes
You look my way and smile
In this moment, all else has been forgotten
And we are happy

Inspired by the songs Orange Sky by Alexi Murdoch and Aqueous Transmission by Incubus

Family Issues

What a fucking night.

My mom called while I was at a friend's and told me that my dad left her after close to 30 years of marraige. He's gone now; took a bunch of money and left the country. I'm in a state of emergency, trying to find out how to get my ass across the country in the next couple of days. Normal shit to this. Completely out of the blue. Fuck...

On the other note, a friend of mine and her girlfriend are planning on moving in with me. Good news for a situation where I was starting to have to foot for my whole apartment (I was with a room mate for a while, but he got a job somewhere else and had to move. Now that won't be a problem, Hoorah!

What a disgusting stir of emotions. It's like trying to take a warm shot of cheap vodka after shotgunning the 8th beer you've had that night. Nausea.

I wanted to talk about my friend and her girlfriend, and their relationship, but I just don't have the heart tonight. I'll try again sometime when I can handle thinking about shit like that.

Listening to: Nothing

One Floor Down, One to the Right

One floor down
One to the right
On her phone
Smoking away

She's got no idea
All that's on my mind
Is how to break the ice
She's all that's on my mind

Playing my music
Loud enough to hear
Not loud enough to annoy
The lengths I'll go!

Soon this night will be done
Soon my bed will call
And I'll end this game
But for now I'll enjoy

Me and the girl
One floor down
One to the right
On the porch at ten

Saint Sarah Jones

Saint Sarah Jones
With your smiling heart
And your joyful drunken nights
Thank you for looking my way

Saint Sarah Jones
With your beautiful eyes
And your colored past
Thank you for smiling on me

Saint Sarah Jones
With your carefree style
And your restless travels
I've always loved your style

Saint Sarah Jones

Some have called you a sinner
But you've always been a saint to me
I suppose it's the way it always is
Discarded for the slightest irregularity

As your restless legs must lead you away
Remember what I say
Saint Sarah Jones is your rightful name
A title only few can take

This is about one person in particular, but it's been influenced by a few people. I wish I was better at expressing happier things, cause me and these people have had some great times. Laughing so hard you're rolling on the floor crying times. But yeah, this is for all those good people that aren't really polished or proper; for those who have a past but throw a smile on their face and love life.

Currently listening to "Breakable" by Ingrid Michaelson

Nos Crash

So I was driving back late at night after welcoming a guy back from a trip, and I realized I had almost never driven this impaired. Now I'm not talking about alcohol, I hadn't had any at all; I'm talking about a full-fledged tired, slightly sick, dehydrated, pounding ambient music Nos crash.

I realized my situation, understood the danger as I cruised unaware through green lights and took the turns, not realizing my destination. I hit over 75 in a 55 and was not disturbed at all (I guess I also knew, in an unaware sort of way. that this road was never patrolled by cops). After that I drove exactly the speed limit, not because I was worried about the law, but because my mind couldn't understand doing anything but making the needle match the numbers.

I started to sweat, my fingers started to tingle, my hands started to shake and my mind went haywire. More thoughts went through my head in 3 minutes than should have passed in an hour of hard thinking. The rest of this will be my trying to explain those thoughts (I swear to God, as if that mattered to me, that I was NOT high).

First of all, I realized my life has gone completely off its tracks. The people I associate with, the things I'm willing to do, the language I use is a 180 from what I use to be. Quite frankly, I don't give a flying fuck. If it doesn't hurt anyone else, I don't think there is a single self-destructive action that I'm not ok with. Not that I want it, but I wouldn't stop someone if they were doing it. I also think that most of my friends would agree with this assessment. It's our fucking lives, let's live! Not in some great cheesy, happy life, but in the full colors. The tabacco addiction, the fights, the bitching, the late nights falling into early mornings barely staying awake at work. Living 100 percent, and crashing horribly, cause it's better than the constant 60 percent that is supposed to be good for us.

I know I don't have any awareness of the meaning of my own existance. I realize I am absolutely insignificant. Even if I was the President of the United States, I'd just be a fucking blip on the radar screen of existance, that shows up one sweep and is gone. I didn't at all want to crash and die, but nor did I not want to crash and die. I suppose I realized that death is unpredictable beyond understanding, and when I die I die, there's no real preventing it. We're just doing things that are supposed to reduce the chances a bit here and there.

I also realized with more than a bit of regret that I'm rotating friends like bullets in a revolver. I'm great at making friends, but I'm aweful at hanging on to them. I start seeing who they are, and they get less interesting so I become more and more of an asshole. I think I may be close to burning the most recent set. I've left my Christian friends, I've been leaving my well-mannered friends, and I'm becoming disinterested in my drunken friends. What am I gonna do about this? This is actually the only thing that I cared about, probably cause everytime I walk away I hurt someone.

Throughout much of this thinking, I was listening to music that was complete contridiction. It was "If the Brakeman Turns my Way" by Bright Eyes. The line: "Gotta find yourself somewhere to level out" rang in my mind; but I've given up on that completely. I will never level out. I'm a walking disaster, half out-of-my-mind, completely worked-through, every possibility reasoned out, but not a single answer for a question that matters. So I live on, completely and utterly careless; sails raised high, spinning the wheel in wild abandon with a huge grin on my face. I'll take it all in and try not too hard to understand, cause in between some breath, and a snap of black, it will all end.

Listening to "If the Brakeman Turns my Way" by Bright Eyes and "Mr. Blessington's Imperialist Plot" by Astronautalis

No Place for a Stallion

Photo thanks to sroliveira33 of Flickr

What a hell of a name for a post, eh! It came to me as I was in the passenger seat of my room mate's truck (he was getting a bed and needed help moving it). We were sitting there; he was talking some nonsense about Michael Jackson and how great he was and I was just sitting there, thinking.

I was thinking about a show I watched the other night, about some Marines in Iraq who were frustrated about how they were taught how to win a war and were stuck in a crappy part of Fallujah, playing the role of overly-armed cop. As I was watching this, I realized, that there was no place there for a brave man (which I like to think I am), only the lazy ones and the persistant SOBs.

Maybe that's the way life works; it's the classic tale of the hare and the tortus. The guy that gave it all for hour is not remembered, he burns out bright, but no one remembers his light. Only the far less bold man who bides his time and gives a little more than he takes will be remembered.

It's a depressing realization for a young man, who wants nothing more than to give it all. So it seems for now, there is no place for me. Call me a stallion.

Currently listening to "Give it All" by Rise Against

Unstable (yeah, it's me again)

So I guess if I let anyone in and actually know me (or read all this shit I type), they would describe me as that: Unstable. Coming to a personal realization that I am fucked up... no, not a realization, an acceptance of the obvious, is theriputic (spelling anyone?) in a way.

Now that I've accepted that something's wrong with me what will I do? Starting lineup: Go smoke, clean the bathroom, take the trash out, fold up my laundry. See, while I thought there was a rational way out of the demons in my head, it became an all-encompassing task to fight them, to figure out where they came from and resolve this war in my head or try hard enough to ignore them. Now that I understand that this fight is really not worth it, I can stop trying to fight it. Maybe that is the cure, though I will be keeping counceling and all that in mind.

When all this occured to me, it made me think of the end of the series "House" where the doctor admits that he has a problem and gets help.

Currently listening to "Danger-Keep Away" by Slipknot. I think it, along with this video of a Canadian patrol in Afghanistan getting ambushed is truely powerful http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=9626eda582. I shouldn't have to warn you that dispite having no blood or injuries, this video is very violent. It shows war, enough said.

What I Want

What do I want? I had an answer before I came up with the question, but here it is: I want to have a comfortable and satisfied answer for those irritating questions in life like "What is it for?" or "Is it worth it?" and all that. I'm almost certain that I won't find these answers, so second best thing for me to do now is to let it all go. Drive it out, give it up; but I don't think I can.

If I will have to wrestle these demons all my life, I want to know some girl that I can say all this shit to (like this blog shit), and for her to still love me. Maybe that's a reason that emo chicks attract me, cause they'd have stories of their own and we'd be able to talk about all this as equals, not me being some freak that needs special help.

I can deal with having these problems, but I need terribly to have someone who can understand and relate. Maybe that's the reason I made this blog. So my good friend, if you're out there, give a hollar!

The Man and the Canoe

Photo by cevans_pollard of Flickr.com

Once upon a time, a man lived by the river. He watched the canoes as he sat by the shore and thought "Ahh! If I could just have one of those, I would be complete. All my troubles would be over. I would move places much more quickly and I would have a way of carrying all my gear rather than relying on my weak ankle."

As good fortune would have it, one stormy night, a canoe washed up on the shore near this man's home. He patched it up, inspected it with great care, and finally pushed out into the water. The canoe worked just how as should have and smoothly moved through the water. He paddled it around everywhere for a week, until one morning he woke up and realized the pain in his back was much worse than it had been for years. He realized that this was from paddling the canoe, and since that time he has not touched the canoe.

I know this story because the man told it to me. At the time he had a pack on a back and a stick in his hand and I am certain I will never see him again. Just before he walked out of my house, he said this to me: "I am an old man, and I have now seen all there is to see, but I still have no advice to give you. I will walk west, if anyone asks, tell them where I have gone. I wish you well!. And with that he turned and left, walking slowly and favoring his left foot.

For any readers, I would love to have your feedback on what you think this story means.

Currently listening to "Hell of a Year" by Sage Francis

My Sister

First off, this is not a pic of my sister, since I keep things 99% anonymous

It just fits the blog

I give kudos to "nyki_m" from flickr for the pic

http://www.flickr.com/photos/nyki_m/

Well, for all of my faithful non-viewers, you may not know that I am a brother. Yep, and I care a hell of a lot about my sister. Yep, and I'm worried as hell about her.

My sister is very much an idealist. She needs her world to be perfect and it distresses her to no end when (like it always is) things are not that way. I'm worried about her especially now cause I can no longer be a steady point for her to fall back on. There is the problem that I live several thousand miles away, but the bigger one is that I do not live in her version of a perfect world. I have been a point of distress for her, since as a decidedly non-religious person a lot things I do are deeply offensive to her. No, more than that, I am deeply offensive to her, who I am is what offends her. 

I hate to see my sister like this, but I don't think there is anything I can do to help her. In fact, me even talking about what is happening in my life may hurt the situation.

Ahh! I've got a ton of random thoughts about this, but they aren't nearly organized enough to blog it, I barely got that out.

My Name is FEAR

The days go by quickly now
and there's little meaning to guide them
I lost the drive to make the world a better place
cause I can't predict what the outcome of my actions really are
and all fades to a more stready shade of grey

The days go too quickly now
I'm only 20 now, but I'm starting to worry my scraped up knee doesn't have what it take to heal again
how much abuse can our bodies and minds take?
A chilling question at my age
I'm starting to see time will take me more quickly than I'd like to see

I drive too quickly now
Cause realizing my days are numbered I feel a need to make the moment worth it
Scared to death of death but try to calm the fears with an adrenalin rush
I know this is dancing with death, but it's better than waiting for it to slowly drag me from you
Always know this demon is my own, it has nothing to do with you, know I love you so much I'd sacrifice what little I have, the little I am, for you darling

I'll die too quickly dear
If by a bullet or a bomb
A car wreck or a plane crash
By lung cancer from the tabacco I smoke
Or asfixiation if I gag and choke
Life is alreay sceaming its brevity and it chills me
Knowing my best years are getting close to halfway done

These are the words of an honest man who fears more than he ought
That is scared he will not be remembered
That is scared to be remembered for his sins
And is scared to not be remembered for the good in him

Cry for me when I am gone, my name is FEAR

Smoke Another

Thanks to LizzieVPhotography for the image

http://www.flickr.com/photos/lizzievengeance/

A day starts with another plain sunrise
As if the sun is saying "Yeah, I'm here, get on with it" in a dull sort of way 
And then the sun sets in the same plain way 
Like everyone forgot that this day was worth something 
Begged a girl for cigarette and she obliged 
But I read her so wrong, and she walked away 
Finished the cigarette to the stub alone 
Realize now that I did nothing this day 
Pick up the worn pieces and gather them together again 
Forget what this song was about with smoke on my breath 
A bit angry, a bit tired of it all 
These things I don't understand 
Fuck that! What the hell am I doing here? 
In this land with no soul 
Saving the world without a cure 
Just get the fuck up and give them another reason to believe in humanity 
But they'll never see us 
Cause the news does a good job treating us like god 
And we quietly smoke another cigarette, and fuck away another day 

We have nothing left we can do or say
Cept exactly what we we're told to do
By some polititian with a big voice and a narrow mind
Who doesn't realize that it doesn't matter whether or not we fight
Kill one day, save the next, but it's all the same
A dying kid in Etheopia could have been our reason to live today
But it wasn't our job so he fades away
It wouldn't have mattered anyway
His life was ticking on a random AK round
That would have flown it's 6 feet into his brain
Cause he's the wrong religion or he's got the wrong blood flowing through his veins
It's too much to think about
Smoke another cigarrette and fuck the day away

A bomb on a terrorist
Fucked up his house and familiy
Made a murderer of his surviving son 1 or 2 years early
But what difference would it make
We'd be after his murderous ass later anyway
In a culture so fucked up it seems it can't be beat
Kill the perpetrators but their gods get stronger
No reason to try and reason that one out
Smoke another cigarette, fuck away another day

Fuck this quiet life, and fuck the haters, fuck those who think they what the fuck we're doing wrong, because every solution is problem, and there is no right answer to these problems we face
We're the tools to change the face of the evil that bites us
And I'm tired of it
Smoke another cigarette and fuck this night away

Nervous

why am I so scared
these days can be decieving
giving way to fear
in an open field with no danger near

Why is this so hard to believe
It's all in my mind you see
and my mind is a hard thing to break
and even harder to fix

consequences for anything
and this is eating me
cause I'm afraid I'll never make it through
in a lonely land with no compromise

Still scared to live and die
gotta keep the wheels spinning
got to keep the lifeboat floating
gotta keep dragging one foot in front of the other
and maybe I'll outrun the fear

I'm scared of everything it seems
I'm ashamed to say this is me

Insomnia

Too late at night now to be scared of another grey sky
Closing eyelids throw it all into the sea
Forget that there could be a different me
Wake to the alarm, scared like a heart attack
Remember where I lost it the other night
For a moment try to get it back
Struggle for a minute and watch the vapors drift away
Know I have to work and lose the progress that I made
Tired as hell at 5 o'clock, need an hour to relax
It winds up being 4 and the story retells
Another confused cycle and lack of sleep begins
And I know that somehow this has got to end

Christianity and my problems with it

After about 9 freecell losses, I think I'm ready to quit it. So here's the reason for all the freecell; freecell is my way of relaxing, not in a enjoying myself kind of way, but a way to think about stuff without just sitting there and doing nothing.

I went to a Bible study today because some friends I know are there and sat through it uncomfortably. I have to face it; I'm not ok with Christianity. More than not believing it, I don't like it. It's a little scary, billions of people trusting and obeying a 2000 year old text from an offshoot of an ancient religion. It scews their views on everything, and suddenly a good chance occurance becomes a miracle, and a bad one, a lesson from God.

With a normal belief that has no foundation in fact, it is a simple thing to change a reasonable person's mind. You give them facts that disagree with that belief and though it may take a while, the facts speak for themselves. With a religion, it is more than fact and fiction; it's emotion and morals, and reasoning out something that can't be defined or observed, so no amount of evidence is enough to change the belief.

At this Bible study, a friend was talking about a medical mission trip she went on that changed her life, and as I listened, I heard things so familiar to me. I heard her talk about giving herself to God and giving up things that have held her back here in the States. I knew with a dull ache that this was an emotional response to the great sense of purpose she found there, but that the drive she has now to change will transform into a guilt for returning to her old self (which is not a bad thing mind you, this person is one of the most genuine and caring people I know). I can't speak badly about what happened on that trip, but I hate to see her fall into that trap of guilt. It's like watching a car wreck from a distance; you can see what is about to happen, but you're powerless to stop it.

So what do I do now? Lash out against Christianity? Bail on my Christian friends? Of course not! But what can I do when the core of their beliefs are so offensive to me? I don't know.

If this gets 1 read, thanks for the read.

Currently listening to Hard Times by Matthew Perryman Jones

Song for a Friend

I'll sing a sad song for you, cause joy is hard to find
I'll tell you how I see this world, and how I see my life
I've seen my share of pain though it's not always plain to see
I'll give to you my story and of what I hope I'd be

See I grew up in a family that gave to me the world
And they hoped that I'd be happy, get a job and find a girl
But I tried so hard not to disappoint that I disappoint myself
And here am a single man, got a job but got no wealth

So I looked into my future and it seemed to me so clear
That I'd never be rich man, I may never hold one so dear
I gave up all my big dreams for a hope that I might find
Something I could do, that could change humankind

But I look into the past and I'm scared of what I see
Of war and death and genocide, and hate that grows so deep
I screamed out in futility "Is there nothing we can do?!"
I saw the wave of history would pass me by as it passed through

In defeat I hung my head, there is nothing I can say
That will make us love our neighbors, or make us stop the pain
I've thought too many times it seems, is it even worth the while
To help a man up to his feet or calm a crying child

But in your eyes I find the strength to do what I still do
Cause you helped me up when I was down, as a friend like you would do
So to you who heard this song, I hope that you may be
The hope in a hopeless world, in the pain be the peace

As for me the night is long and I still can't see the end
But I will carry on, cause all you've done for me my friend

"Style of writing inspired by Adiline by Sarah Jaffe"

I'll get a picture for you invisible people later!

What will I be?

Recently, it seems I've been pulled in many different directions. There is a part of me that goes back to Christianity and love how Christians seem to genuinely care about people, but there is also the part of me that hates how I have to be so darn careful with what I say around them and how I act. Also, there is the whole issue of their belief about God allowing mass murder, rape, and genocide to happen and still praising Him as perfect. Christianity, and maybe religion as a whole relies on a lot of blind belief and acceptance of the unknown rather than coming to a meaningful understanding of what's going on.

Anyway, just the other night, it came to some sort of climax. I was feeling disappointed with myself again with how I treated some of my Christian friends (I didn't really want to spend time with them at the time cause I didn't want to deal with the above issues), and realized I was generally disappointed in myself and how I treat people. So when I started making a resolution to change how I treat people I came to start to ask a series of questions.

Who do I want to be? That one seemed weak to me, whether or not I want to be something doesn't make a difference, I am who I am. Who do I want become? No, that doesn't work. How should I live? No, that only asks to be tossed around by someone's preconceived notion about right and wrong. What will I be? Yeah... What will I be? It's not a guilt trip into change, but it keeps my mind on how I want to live, rather than the sometimes depressing state of where I'm at. Yeah. That'll be my battle cry or my motto for now. Maybe that makes a good new years resolution, to find out what I will be.

Hope that lifted your spirits to read that as much as it did mine to type it!

Currently listening to "Bold as Love" by John Mayer

On the state of humanity

"Go on, make a wish!"
"I'll just let it burn"

I saw a sign today
I don't know exactly what it was for
But it was no surprise at all
It was a sign for some cause
That you would all call good
But as I gazed at its faded design
A heaviness fell in my chest
And a tear should have fallen from my eye

I looked at that sign a time or two
Before I turned my head in pain
As one who has seen blood on the wall and walked away
Cause the cause was hopeless
The patient is already dead
Like tormenting a body as it's shocked to life to die again

I wonder if causes like this are what keeps us alive
No, not alive... maybe we just haven't died
I don't lift a finger, I barely lift an eye 
I'm ashamed of my life

I left the playing field
I leave it for others to decide
I observe silently
Not cheering for a side
Calulating every play
In a cold-blooded, not caring kind of way
We'll never win this war
Cause the enemy's face always looks like mine

I see what we've done
My God! What have we become!

Half

He was tired and more than a little worried
When he wrote the lines on the page
But he was more than afraid if he didn't say it now
It'd never be said

He looked blankly at the page
half tired to tears, half as numb as the half gone beer
Half a page and half a thought and half the night gone
He gives up

Cause his life is always halfway to somewhere
The other half dragging him to nothing
His life is half lived, half given up
Half a drive that he once knew and halfway the numb of nothing