2011 has not been kind. It's mostly been work, a lot of work, with dull areas in between. I don't like my job, but I really don't like being idle, so I want to work to make the end of the day come faster, but I don't like the end of the day because that means the next day is closer, and yet again, more work. The cycle is terrible, and there's very little of it to give it value. Even these precious moments are quickly forgotten in the stress of work... then it continues.
I'm 22. I know this is the time to be living or something stupid and cliche like that, but I'm just wasting the year, and I have no control of my position. Even worse, I think if I did "have control", I wouldn't be able to pull out of this death spiral.
Sorry for diving into this misery again, but there's not much else to say. Maybe there's a reason my best friend can't get too close.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
A Sea of Faces
There are 7 billion people on the planet, and not a single one cares in the least what I have to say.
Sorry bout how sad this one is. It was a bad, lonely day.
Sorry bout how sad this one is. It was a bad, lonely day.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Have Some Sympathy for Me
I find myself here again
Tired but not enough to sleep
Bored but not enough to stop
On the net, idly read of someone else's misfortune
Staring at the clock, typing my thoughts
Back them up, they'll never be read
Except by me, and maybe I better not remember
Let me forget them all and just be
The world turns so slowly, but so much time is past
3 years and the peak of life is gone, yes I regret it
The world is so mad now, with children hurting one another
But a generation begs for freedom
Another one grows old
Another is born
Another dies
And the sun will rise tomorrow as it always did
It's another day, another regret
Another tear that won't fall from my eyes
Another day to forget
I'm bored of this, and the next year
I can't even finish this, there's nothing left
Not a reason, a rhyme
And everything you said was truth was untrue
But you sold your house for a tulip
And there's nothing I can do
My final friend
Gone too
Follow all your dreams, but have some sympathy for me
This one deserves a little explanation: When you're a sad, miserable SOB like me, you resent everyone who is not. Some of this is justified. For example, pretty much everyone I know who lives a "happy" life has shut off some of their being to achieve that. A person who values honesty as much as I do hates this shut down. On the other hand, I'm jealous as all hell, because they're living a life I want but don't even understand. Again, there are faces and names attached.
The line "you sold your house for a tulip" refers to Tulip Mania and pretty much means you sold something valuable for something worthless that is trendy at the time.
Tired but not enough to sleep
Bored but not enough to stop
On the net, idly read of someone else's misfortune
Staring at the clock, typing my thoughts
Back them up, they'll never be read
Except by me, and maybe I better not remember
Let me forget them all and just be
The world turns so slowly, but so much time is past
3 years and the peak of life is gone, yes I regret it
The world is so mad now, with children hurting one another
But a generation begs for freedom
Another one grows old
Another is born
Another dies
And the sun will rise tomorrow as it always did
It's another day, another regret
Another tear that won't fall from my eyes
Another day to forget
I'm bored of this, and the next year
I can't even finish this, there's nothing left
Not a reason, a rhyme
And everything you said was truth was untrue
But you sold your house for a tulip
And there's nothing I can do
My final friend
Gone too
Follow all your dreams, but have some sympathy for me
This one deserves a little explanation: When you're a sad, miserable SOB like me, you resent everyone who is not. Some of this is justified. For example, pretty much everyone I know who lives a "happy" life has shut off some of their being to achieve that. A person who values honesty as much as I do hates this shut down. On the other hand, I'm jealous as all hell, because they're living a life I want but don't even understand. Again, there are faces and names attached.
The line "you sold your house for a tulip" refers to Tulip Mania and pretty much means you sold something valuable for something worthless that is trendy at the time.
All I do now is Pretend
All I do now is pretend
How long ago was it when I could say
There's a simple reason for the day
It seems forever, in a different world
And I can't see it, fog covers the lens
All I do now is pretend
How long ago did I walk these woods
The wet earth smelled fresh and new
But an apartment complex is being built
And there's sawdust in the air
So all I do now is pretend
How long ago was it when I met you
And our friendship was everything
Now you're distant and I don't know you
Seems all good things end
All I can do is pretend
All I do now is pretend
There are names and faces that are placed with the last sentence, but bygones are... What the fuck is a bygone?! Whatever. Times change, shit happens, sometimes (mostly) I can't deal with it and I write poetry. Yes, all I do is pretend I'm happy, that there's meaning, but all I'm really doing is pretending for the benefit of others and waiting for anything better to come along.
How long ago was it when I could say
There's a simple reason for the day
It seems forever, in a different world
And I can't see it, fog covers the lens
All I do now is pretend
How long ago did I walk these woods
The wet earth smelled fresh and new
But an apartment complex is being built
And there's sawdust in the air
So all I do now is pretend
How long ago was it when I met you
And our friendship was everything
Now you're distant and I don't know you
Seems all good things end
All I can do is pretend
All I do now is pretend
There are names and faces that are placed with the last sentence, but bygones are... What the fuck is a bygone?! Whatever. Times change, shit happens, sometimes (mostly) I can't deal with it and I write poetry. Yes, all I do is pretend I'm happy, that there's meaning, but all I'm really doing is pretending for the benefit of others and waiting for anything better to come along.
A Short Conversation
The question was simple, but the implications of the answer, whatever it may be, were incredible.
“Do you fear what's coming next?”
I held the thought over in my head and turned it round and round like candy in my mouth, feeling it every way.
“No”
An expression of anger quickly passed through her face, believing what I said was a lie. I noticed it and waited for an accusation, but it faded just as quickly as it came.
“Do you...”
She cocked her head slightly as she considered her words.
The inevitable question was coming, as she tried to uncover the lie by locking me in how I responded.
“How could you not fear the future, after all you've said, you seem terrified by it.”
It was true in a sense. Only the finest line divided how I felt and absolute terror. It was, in fact, the biggest risk I had taken in years, but I hadn't lied, I wasn't scared.
“Hmm...”
Hand on my chin as I considered how I would respond. A question like that required a careful answer; deserved a careful answer. Like two countries at truce, both trying to speak truthfully and clearly, but not giving ammunition to the other side either.
“I told you everything that could go wrong. It's a risk, but I calculated it. I had to consider all those things, but in the end, I still decided like I did.
“And that doesn't bother you?”
Her response was swift this time. The question was sitting on the tip of her tongue. Like the third brigade in a division, waiting in reserve for the perfect moment to strike.
I'd grown tired of these jabs by now and realized a partial admission was in order. It would be a victory for both of us in a way. I could accept that.
“You can't let it bother you. I guess it did at first, but there's no use recalculating it over and over again in your head. It's not like anything's changed.”
She opened her mouth to respond, but before a sound came back I finished my statement.
“So no, I don't fear it”
Her mouth shut without a sound. The line of thought was complete and she knew better than to press the issue.
I wrote this a while ago, and I remember it being a blast to write. It's only my second try at written dialogue. This is about a decision I made to probably change careers and how someone may take this so-called bad life decision. "She" is actually my sister, who is a very practical person and believes strongly in a "proper" way to live. I think if we had a long conversation about this topic, she'd respond something like this. As you can see, I tried to delve into the unsaid aspects of a conversation, and the battle conversation can be.
“Do you fear what's coming next?”
I held the thought over in my head and turned it round and round like candy in my mouth, feeling it every way.
“No”
An expression of anger quickly passed through her face, believing what I said was a lie. I noticed it and waited for an accusation, but it faded just as quickly as it came.
“Do you...”
She cocked her head slightly as she considered her words.
The inevitable question was coming, as she tried to uncover the lie by locking me in how I responded.
“How could you not fear the future, after all you've said, you seem terrified by it.”
It was true in a sense. Only the finest line divided how I felt and absolute terror. It was, in fact, the biggest risk I had taken in years, but I hadn't lied, I wasn't scared.
“Hmm...”
Hand on my chin as I considered how I would respond. A question like that required a careful answer; deserved a careful answer. Like two countries at truce, both trying to speak truthfully and clearly, but not giving ammunition to the other side either.
“I told you everything that could go wrong. It's a risk, but I calculated it. I had to consider all those things, but in the end, I still decided like I did.
“And that doesn't bother you?”
Her response was swift this time. The question was sitting on the tip of her tongue. Like the third brigade in a division, waiting in reserve for the perfect moment to strike.
I'd grown tired of these jabs by now and realized a partial admission was in order. It would be a victory for both of us in a way. I could accept that.
“You can't let it bother you. I guess it did at first, but there's no use recalculating it over and over again in your head. It's not like anything's changed.”
She opened her mouth to respond, but before a sound came back I finished my statement.
“So no, I don't fear it”
Her mouth shut without a sound. The line of thought was complete and she knew better than to press the issue.
I wrote this a while ago, and I remember it being a blast to write. It's only my second try at written dialogue. This is about a decision I made to probably change careers and how someone may take this so-called bad life decision. "She" is actually my sister, who is a very practical person and believes strongly in a "proper" way to live. I think if we had a long conversation about this topic, she'd respond something like this. As you can see, I tried to delve into the unsaid aspects of a conversation, and the battle conversation can be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
+of+Picture+005.jpg)