Hell of a Year

"It's been a tough year. You say that life ain't fair
Well, guess what, baby...life ain't. Thems the breaks
You say that life ain't worth it. But it is. You gotta work it
 Nobody's life is perfect" - Sage Francis

Last post I promised more and here it is. I was embarrassed to talk about this, just like I was embarrassed to speak honestly in the first place, but this is my tool to keep me sane, and after the total insanity has ended, I need to reflect.

Damn! Where should I begin? I guess I'll start earlier than when I entered the picture; this isn't my story, I just play a supporting character.

There was a girl, we'll call her Sarah. Sarah grew up in a lousy situation, her mom always chose losers, and one particular loser decided that her mom wasn't enough for him, and he wanted Sarah too. He molested her off and on for 2 years; it started when she was 8. Sarah couldn't cope with this, she has reoccurring nightmares about it (she's 22 now), it made her feel worthless. Somewhere along the line she tried to kill herself. I don't know when; I don't ask. Sarah may have had a chance at a somewhat sane life, she was recovering to a degree, a small degree, but it was something, but she met this guy, we'll call him John. John was also a loser, he gave Sarah painkillers which numbed out the feelings she had about herself. It won her love and they got married. It was doomed to fail from the beginning. He ran out of money, but she was still hooked on painkillers, they argued and he would hit her. I saw the bruises myself. Her mom got sick and she started to dance at a strip club to pay for the drugs and for her mom's medical care. This is where I enter the picture.

I was lonely, about to go on a long trip. I just wanted to enjoy myself, and have a bit of companionship for a couple hours, even if it was fake. The strip club was dead that night, so it was easy to get Sarah's attention, she was the prettiest girl there. I bought a few lap dances and then Sarah and I started to talk. She looked worried, so I asked her what was the matter. She evaded the question for a bit, but eventually told me she hadn't paid the electric bill and her mom's medical equipment would go dead if it wasn't paid tomorrow. I paid the bill for her. She told me her real name.

I promised to come visit her when I got back from my trip, and I did just that. I started supporting her, and we started going out. It was great for a while. I didn't know about the drugs and I was too blind to see the signs. I thought it was built up medical bills that took the money and had her so worried. When my money ran out, she had a partial, forced withdrawal. She started to act irrationally. We argued, she threatened to leave me and never call me again. It crushed me. I finally broke up with her, I would be there as a friend, but I couldn't be her lover anymore.

In the next few weeks and months, her life came off the tracks. Eventually, she moved in with this guy, we'll call him Sam. Sam was a decent guy, he was giving her a room because he thought she had nowhere else to go. Sarah stole from Sam to pay for her drugs, to make up for the withdrawal she got when I ran out of money. Sam found out and was furious, but he loved Sarah, so he gave her an ultimatum: Go to rehab, or go to prison. She chose rehab.

Sam called me, he told me everything. I was determined to try to help Sarah through this, regardless of the breakup, I was still in love with her. Sarah had to wait 2 weeks to get a bed at detox. She would spend time with me and Sam and her mom. We kept her away from the drugs as best as we could. We tried to calm her, to comfort her, to encourage her; we all had different approaches, we were all there for her in different ways, and we all made mistakes. In the end, I think we did okay. She went to detox and got clean. The day after, Sam took her on a trip so she wouldn't be near her drug dealer friends before rehab. They came back and before we knew it, Sarah was in rehab. She'll be out in about 3 months.

There is so much more to this story, I could write a novel about the last few months. In the end, both Sam and I are in love with Sarah. Sarah doesn't know what she feels. We've all decided to take a break from romance for her sake. I'm just waiting now for her to come out sober and changed. I hope she begins to heal from some of things that have been haunting her, beyond the drugs. I hope she comes to terms about the man who molested her; she needs to do this, for her own sake. Her determination to change is strong and I have high hopes for her. I love her so much! I just want to see her smile again.

Nothing about this has been easy, but I can honestly say I felt alive. I have a reason for living beyond making it to my next meal and hoping it gets better. I don't want that to end.

"It's been a tough year..."

January-April

Love for the first time, not sex, love. Heartbreak, addiction, hope, hopelessness, faith, lack of trust, jealousy, heartbreak, pain, late nights, scary texts, exhaustion, lots of crying, euphoria, feelings I can't describe and absolute and certain life. I had no idea what I was missing! More to follow.

I'm Back Again!

As the title would imply, I am back. I was feeling crappy so I guessed my old password correctly and got on here, mostly just to read old posts, and it comforted me. My poetry and thoughts are profound, at least they are profound to me and they help me when it's too much to take.

I don't have a whole lot to say, haven't for the past year it seems with the rather poor showing for 2012. This isn't the first time I've had a break from blogging, it may not be the last and maybe I'm outgrowing this way of expressing myself, maybe I don't need it anymore. I've grown unnaturally adept at explaining my fears, doubt, depression and misery to almost everyone I meet. The openness is disarming. No one can really say they don't relate with me to some extent and no matter how lousy you're feeling, it's comforting that someone else is feeling, or has felt, as shitty as you. Humans are social creatures and we must express ourselves; it's hardwired into who we are.

That being said, it's really nice to have a written log of my thoughts. I can go back to various points in my life for the past few years and remember them in detail. I don't remember "that trip" or "the time when we (fill in the blank)". As selfishly as it sounds, I remember me, how I was feeling or what deep thoughts I was thinking, not the little details of existance. Other than =^..^= (thanks so much! You make me feel special), and myself, no one really reads these thoughts but that's ok. It was a way to let myself out of the self-imposed cage I had built around my thoughts, mostly the cage was built to keep my thoughts away from my parents, who may have understood them better than I could have believed at the time.

Anyway, now that I'm done memorializing this blog (I have my fears that I may very well never bother to post again), let's get on with it, the very reason this thing exists, from day one, because I am still Honestly Alive. In long term thinking, I've watched my own thoughts change and watched myself grow older, and maybe tougher over the years.

From 17-21, I was massively confused. Christianity didn't make sense so I rejected it, and I had to come to my own conclusions about things, things I should have worked out when I was a kid but didn't because religion provided the answers and I was not encouraged to question things. With no real limits, I looked as far as I could see and reasoned it all out to the best of my ability. I determined that there is likely not a god, or any ultimate meaning or right or wrong for that matter, but for reasons I couldn't explain, I still did everything I could to be a decent person by American standards.

From 21-23, I tried to comprehend the implications of my belief. I explored what that meant: What I could do, what I would not do and why given I had no cosmic god-rudder directing my path. I mostly figured that morals and standards for society exist because they have to; they make us live with each other in healthy ways that keep us all going. Anyway, I tried very hard to stay positive during this time because it was useful. It wasn't that I actually believed everything was positive, even for a minute, it's just that it served no purpose to dwell on miserable things, so I avoided it. In many ways, I became the very thing I had hated before (I made a reference to Tulip Mania way back in the day to describe it).

And here I am, 24. I feel a new chapter is opening in my life, or maybe I'm just reverting. The whole everything-is-super-happy-and-fun culture is grating at me again. I'm in love with a girl who's losing her mom to cancer, and it's decidedly NOT super-happy-and-fun. The Buddists have convinced themselves that death is a cause for celebration, but it's in the mind only, and only with intense training. They are right to say not to fear death, and that it's just a part of life, but it is not happy, nor should it be treated as such in my opinion. A 21 year old girl should not have to bury her mother. It's crushing to see her convince herself that the next treatment or surgury will solve anything, but it gives her some respite, so I let her be. Some things in the world really suck. While I don't think we should dwell on those things so much that they hinder our ability to live, at least not for long, we shouldn't lie to ourselves and say everything is fine either.

All these thoughts have gotten me closer so something... I don't know, being old maybe? But they also seem to sap the color out of life. There were the hot reds and brght whites, deep blues and void blacks, but it all seems to fade now to a more steady shade of grey (I think I'm quoting myself there, I'm so vain, I probably think this song is about me...). Maybe I'm finally ready to feel the warm glow of love to bring me back to life, but I've been warned that even that is fleeting.

So here I am, not excited, depressed, angry or confused. Ready to see what comes next, but not particularly interested in it either. What will the next car be that drives down this road? Will it be a BMW or a Honda? I really don't care. It will pass, maybe I'll wave, and that will be all.

That's all I have for now, goodnight!