Sick (song)

I feel so sick
I see everything I’ve done wrong
Notwithstanding the good I’ve done
I wish there was a song to hear or some words to read
To make me satisfied with me
But there’s nothing
I see the real me
It makes me sick
I make me sick

The fourth line is the reason I typed this. I wanted some way of falling asleep feeling like something's complete, like I didn't have to ignore something or shove it under the rug. I'm still searching for whatever that is. Does it exist?

Bedshaped by Keane is my best attempt for tonight

Umm... Let's see where this goes

First of all, I'm really typing this cause I'm already sick of having "Memory Box" at the top of my page. It reminds me of old people knitting. Ok, don't have much to talk about...

Alright! I've got a topic. Though it makes me sick to say it, and I have to get into politics a little more than I want to. I saw the movie "Flags of Our Fathers" tonight and, to say the least, was not impressed. The whole movie was about a lie, it wasn't even about what the picture was about. I think some of their interpretations were far off.

When I see the picture, what I see something this nation did that took a whole lot of effort, but was worth it. You can see the effort of lifting the pole, you can see the flag in the breeze, and it almost helps that you can't see the faces, because there is a common effort there, not a bunch of individuals.

So what if there was a stupid fundraiser built off of it. It has been forgotten for years. Can we just take the picture as one of the finest shots ever taken, and as a symbol of freedom and the sacrifice needed to maintain it? It seems we can't.

It seems all we want to hear is thing happening the way they shouldn't have. Why do we want to hear it and get mad? Why do we want to know of every oversight? Why do we have to judge every wrong? Unless it is as a study to make sure it doesn't happen again, why don't we move on and think about how to make it better

All this demonization of every wrong has driven me nuts. The same with smashing FEMA during Katrina. There was a major lack of a plan after the immediate rescue actions, so someone got fired and they'll try to fix the problem. People in that job field really do want to save lives, they can do that better if you aren't following the masses and bringing political pressure into it. So give it up and let it rest.

Ahh! I probably shouldn't have typed that, now I feel crappy about the world.

Listening to You Are the One by Shiny Toy Guns http://www.myspace.com/shinytoyguns

Memory Box

I opened a shoebox full of memory stuff tonight. It was to get the letter I wrote to myself when I was twelve (it wasn't nine, I was wrong). Even though I wasn't supposed to open it for another three years, I opened it anyway. It was as pointless as guessed it would be.

What struck me though, was how pointless everything else in the box was. Sure, there were some jems like a picture of my mom as a kid, but for the most part it was just crap. It meant nothing to me. Reminders of things that happened long ago that don't touch any part of my spirit.

Jesus wasn't kidding when He said you had to be born again. Looking at me back then is like looking at pictures of someone famous; you see them all the time but you've got no idea who they really are. Maybe it's just getting older, or maybe there's enough I'd rather forget. I don't know. Though my childhood wasn't terribly screwed up, sometimes it reminds me of Wonderful by Everclear ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8V36mWUVFc ).

Well, 'night all!

Girlfriends?

So one of my 27,000 readers was asking me if I had a girlfriend... Well, no one really asked and I don't really have any readers, but since every other personal blog seems to be flooded with love posts, I thought I'd put mine in.

No, I don't have a girlfriend. I have a crush, and I think she crushes me back but I haven't asked her out, and I know she'd wait for me to make the first move. At this point, I think that most people would be quite nervous and wonder how they should ask her out for the first time, but not me. In two months, I'll be gone, out of state, out of sight and out of her everyday life. I'm not worried about her being unfaithful or dumping me, she's not one to do that, but neither am I one to hang someone's love and devotion on a phone line and roses that come in the mail.

So will I be a bachelor all my life cause the time was never right? Yeah, it's quite likely, but I won't break a bunch of hearts looking. This is my reasoning, most would consider it bad or wrong, heck, I do. I just don't see a better way right now, and I don't really see one coming down the road for me.
Alright, it's time to sleep.

Groovin' to Collective Soul's Precious Declaration.

Screwing up/Wierd Letter Thing

My last post was something about how what's wrong in people's attitudes and recently I was reminded how much I fit in that category. I was driving down the road, was in a hurry, and someone decided to cut me off and then drive slowly. I swore at them and right then the words of Jennifer Knapp came through on the stereo crystal clear "Undo me, undo me!". Yeah, I need to be undone.

For the letter thing, I just realized I had to write a letter to myself for school when I was 9, to be opened when I'm 19. I don't remember much of what I said, just that I really didn't want to do it. I don't think it's even worthwhile to read it cause it's probably all fake cause I knew the teacher would read it. I guess I will though; I saved it for so long.

One final thought tonight (this morning, whatever). This one's from Rocky Votolato. "Love is the only answer, everything else is just a trainwreck". Maybe it only works for me cause "love" describes so much in English. I think he's talking about a girlfriend.

Holy crap I'm tired again,
Goodnight me (cause I'm the only one who reads this)

So, I think I'll be brief cause I'm tired as hell and really do need to sleep. In my family there has been a little, huh... I don't know what to call it. Strife? Nah, too harsh. Irritation? No, it doesn't say why. I'll just do it longhand, people getting pissed at each other over nothing. As I've watched this, there is a reacurring theme. It's the thought that I deserve this, so I have a right to get mad when I don't get it.

I think we have to think of ourselves last to be happy. Thinking we deserve things just sets us up for failure. If we don't think we deserve anything, we can be happy when things go our way. Now sometimes this takes the form of helping ourselves a little. For an example of what I mean, in search and rescue the first person you think about is yourself, because if you get hurt you take a team out of action.

Well that's all for now, not too deep or complex.

A General's Wisdom

Not too long ago, I was listening to a general making a speech to a bunch of youth and heard something that surprised me a bit. He said that the most important thing in life was relationships/ This is a man who has changed the world in a larger way than most, and still the most important thing for him is relationships.

What he said seems right, so I'll take his advice to heart. Sometimes it's so much easier to close yourself off and go it alone, but rarely is the easiest way the best.

Just a little thought for you guys (anyone out there? leave a comment!)