Disappointed

Maybe I'm hateful
Maybe I'm so damn spiteful
Maybe I can't forgive you
Maybe I'm, maybe
So what!

I'm disappointed in you
I'm so tired of you
Disappointed with me
So damn tired of me

Maybe I hate you
Maybe I cannot take you anymore
Maybe I won't forgive you
Maybe I, maybe
So what!

Why can't we separate
You're in my blood it seems
Why can't we separate
Swimming through my veins in seems

And maybe I, maybe I
So what!

I hate you
I'm so damn spiteful
I won't forgive you
And I'm, and I'm

Disappointed, disappointed
Why can't I leave you?
Disappointed, disappointed
Why can't I leave you?
Disappointed, disappointed
Why can't I leave you?
Disappointed, disappointed
Why can't I leave you?

This song was heavily influenced by “Passive” by a Perfect Circle. It was a stretch for me lyrically, because I've been very intent on not directing hate towards anyone. It was uncomfortable letting those things surface, but I think it's a necessary part of life.

When I started this song, I didn't have any particular person or situation in mind, but as I was writing it two situations seemed to fit. First, my parents, who have dealt with an unloving and unfaithful relationship for years; and second, a couple of friends who got into a long-distance relationship and never trusted each other not to cheat.

Divide the Integer

Intelligent
With every piece of information
Lined up and arranged in the perfect pattern
Lined up
Exact
Precise
And accurate

But the knowledge is no comfort
The precision is a demon
Waiting to tear apart his soul

The wisdom is a pitfall
And he can't understand the symbols
So he organizes, rearranges, and tries again

It eludes him
He can sense it
But can't comprehend its form
These glasses don't clear the fog
These hearing aids can't filter out the white noise
He stops to catch his breath
And it's all gone

It's the wisdom of god beyond his fingertips
Something his mind can't reason out
Repeat, reset, divide the integer by zero
And spin until he's stopped

Another sleepless night
Giving way to depression and exhaustion
Repeat, reset, divide the integer by zero
Can't stop the cycle

Divide it again
My mind again
My time again
My sanity again
Again, again, again, again

Cycle the switch
Reset, repeat
Again, again, again, again...

This is very much a rough draft, but I felt it was important to post. It's about my own struggle to solve the enigma of life, which is what most of my posts are about anyway. For those of you who don't know, it is impossible to divide an integer by zero. Modern computers are programed to recognize this and won't even attempt it, but some very old computers will try to do the math. The result is that they get stuck in a processing loop that repeats endlessly and takes all the resources of the computer. The easiest way to stop this is to reset the computer. I hope that gives you some perspective.

Reflection

Look back every now and then
And see the world rushing by
Look back my friend
At the world floating by

High above the atmosphere
Beyond the sea and sky
In a world of yesterday
Sailing through the years

Discard all the wrong
Only the good will remain
Fondly it smiles at us
All the times we've had

Time races in this whirlwind life
But it's a good thing to reflect sometimes

Gratitude

I'll weep for you when you go
A friend had never been more true
But I'm far away for now
And can only listen on the other line

Rehab, relapse, repeat
Yeah I know
The same old line
It's just a part of life

Watch you cry as we take that drive
We both know what's in store
A smoke to delay what must be done
I turn to go and look away

Rehab, relapse, repeat
Yeah it's true
Just like last time
It's the way you die
It's the reason I cry

Screaming awake at three A.M.
Can't comprehend the pain you're feeling
Scared to death you won't survive
When the red and white lights arrive

Rehab, relapse, fuck this cycle
Out again and in again
Why does it have to be me?
Who watches you die from this disease

Choked up, toked up
On that road again
Can't stop the tears this time
But in silence I'll drive
It wasn't me who saved a life
It wasn't you who attempted suicide
A friend had never been more true
When I was so down, so blue

Rehab, relapse, repeat
I'll always be there for you

The lyrics are fiction, but it was inspired by Sarah (don't know, nor would I say, her last name). Musically, it was inspired by “Better Than Love” by Griffin House. The point of the song was for people to think twice when they look down on someone. There are a few lines I may clean up later, but in case I don't, here it is.

Serene Car Crash

Screeching tires
Broken glass
Blood on the dash
Is it mine?
Time of day's changed
Or did the clouds roll in?
How long has it been
Can't move my head
To see by my side
Are you alright?
What's that sound?
What's that light?
Sirens
A medic's flashlight
Don't move, don't move, don't move!
Repeat it in my head
I'm fading
It goes dark

POW!
Icy water
Medic's overhead
Paddles in hand
We're almost there
A reassuring voice
Fading again
Will I wake?
Black

Wake up again
A sea of green and blue
So serene
Morphine?
Anxious voices
My blood on her hands
Her hands!
How'd she fare?
The words won't come out
Be calm, be calm, be calm!

Wish for sleep now
But the lights are so bright
My blood so red
The voice so familiar
The voice so concerned
Who could she be?

Feel it deep inside
I don't have much time
Reflect on days gone by
I'm glad I was alive

My Darkest Season

I look beyond the lines of reason
The darkest cords of life unreeling
I can't decide what it is I see
The emptiness or the depths of me

The quietness of night is screaming
“The peace I've made in dark is bleeding”
As dawn awakes into the day
And we all go about our business

I walk in stride, the day's unending
Another lie, some more pretending
Another chant, another chord
Another tear we can't afford

I lie beside her now she's sleeping
Smiling in her deepest dreaming
But I'm awake, can't sleep, still thinking
Reason out this darkest season

inspired by “The Season” by the Dodos, Tool, and Mordekye Layman