Alone at Home

I've had a rough time of it recently. As any faithful reader of my blog would know (which means no one), I am not a Chriatian at all. I'm Agnostic and lean alightly towards Athiesm. Recently though, I've been on vacation at home and I don't know how to act.

It's wierd, people (mainly family) talk to me about the Christian stuff and expect me to agree with them. For example, my mom and I were talking politics and I expressed concern about Obama's policy on Iraq. Now I disagree pretty strongly with his plan of getting U.S. forces out in 18 months; I think has the potential to reverse all the good stuff that happened there in 2007. My mom simply stated "No matter what happens, it's in God's hands". I wanted to say, "Yeah! And tell that to the Marine I met who spent 4 tours in Iraq, who's hard work, who's buddies deaths suddenly means nothing, tell that to him!" I don't want to sound like things like this have to eat at us, but at least the fate of a country that ours is directly involved in should cause some sort of response, not a God-given apathy.

My family is Christian, my friends are Christians, and here I am, an Agnostic who everyone thinks is a Christian. I haven't broken the news to anyone; I don't know if I should. It may not be fair to them, but I don't want to be treated like an enemy or a "lost soul" by the people that are my base. A friend of mine asked me the question directly, in a joking manner, but directly, and I was stunned, scared I'd have to lie to keep the secret safe. I'm just glad the topic changed before I had to answer. I know I'm living a double life and I'll just be glad to be away from it. It's an aweful thing to be scared of rejection by your own family for something that is more personal than your relationship with them.

Currently listening to Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day

Who She Really Loves

I walked to her slowly
And it seemed nothing strange
To say I knew her name
Cause she had a reputation
And it seemed not odd at all
When I offered her another bottle

Cause she was any man's
With the hand on the bottle or glass
And she'd be anyone
Just to see a sign of who she really loved

I talked to her softly
Like a lion before the kill
And she was buying it all
But before the deal was drawn
A glance of her bloodshot eyes
Shot it all to hell

And she'd be anyone's
With enough alcohol in her veins
But she dies to see anything
Like the one she really loves

And I stopped
And we talked
And I asked about her past
And the liqour on her breath
Spilled the secrets of her past
About a man who died two years back
In a gunfight in Iraq

It was strange writing this. First of all, I really don't know anyone at all like this, though it was inspired by half a dozen people. Anyway I was listening to Death Cab for Cutie's song "Cath" and I felt like I should write something so I typed the first two lines and the rest came to me. When I started typing I didn't even know what the song would be about, but with only one edit to one part of one line, this is what to came to my head, straight through. No going back and editing or changing anything to make it work with where the song was going.

Now listening to Cath by Death Cab for Cutie

Looking for God

I looked for God in the sky
And only the stars stared back
I looked for God in the news
And I didn't find Him there
I looked for God in a gentle breeze
But turned away with a sigh
I looked for God in mankind
But was afraid of what I found
I looked for God in my mind
But I know He's not there
I looked for God in my soul
And saw a flicker of light

I dug this one up from earlier (I'm a liar, it was sitting on the desktop), and thought "What the heck is this". Believe it or not, "Looking for God" is not the average title of things on my desktop, so I opened it up and found this. I remember I was saving it until I completed it, but when I read it again, it seemed that it didn't need more work, so here it is.

Currently listening to Always Coming Back to You by Atmosphere

A conversation about me

"Is he a nice guy?"
"Umm... I guess technically yes"
"Technically?"
"Eh..."
"Will he treat me with respect?"
"Oh yeah, there's no doubt. He'll hold the doors for you and all that, he won't ask you to go any further
than you're ok with, he'll look you in the eye when you talk to him. He's a gentleman and he'll act like it"
"Will he be there for me?"
"Every time. You may have to make sure he still gets stuff done, cause he'd spend himself completely
for you if you let him"
"So why do you say he's just a technically nice guy"
"Because he really doesn't give a shit"
"Huh?"
"He's diciplined, he'll do all I've said, but that's cause he's trained himself to be that way, not because he really
cares. The guy would die for you, and he'd die for anyone in this room, but that's just what he does, don't dream
he cares."
"So how do you know all this"
"I know him pretty well and I've seen it when I've talked to him, he knows it about himself and he hates it,
but it's who he is"
"So do you think I should go out with him?"
"Well, you couldn't do better I guess. I mean, he's a really sweet guy; just don't be disappointed if it doesn't go
anywhere. He's not one to get emotionally attached to anyone... I don't know. I don't want to set you up for
failure, but maybe you could reach him. I mean if you could, I think you guys would make a great couple."
"Yeah... ok, thanks!"
"So what are you going to do?"
"I don't know, I'll give you a call"

This is a mock conversation by two girls about me. Dang, that's a wierd angle, oh well. I think it describes me and how I view girls, and heck, maybe even the world. I couldn't think of any other to say it, so there it is.