First Honest Me

Have I been a fool, I don't really care
Have I let you down, you must have been half the problem
I know I've thought to much, and my thinking is over
I thought I had this one solved, figured out, but life ain't that easy
I wish I didn't have to care, about what I believe
But it's the message I'm supposed to push
Why do I have to believe?
What good does it do anyone?
I've reasoned it out, I thought I convinced myself
Oh, I don't want to think anymore
Why can't this be easy, isn't that what I earned?
They say we earn nothing, but somethings got to earn something
I wish I had faith
I wish I wasn't rude to my sister
I've been a fool, and now I wish I didn't have to care
I've let everyone down
I'm a double-sided kid, with no direction or meaning
Every time I try to go one way the other side gets the best of me
I balance the fence
I try to at least
But I keep falling off, to one side or the other
I get beat up and bruised by my attempts to lead a life that makes sense
Cause I can't ride the fence, and I won't choose a side
I'm sorry, I'll let you down
I'm sorry, I won't be there for you
I won't care
I won't understand
I'll get angry when I'm tired
I'll get moody if you say something I don't want to hear
Why am I typing this?
I don't want to think
But somehow I have to
Maybe there is a right way
Maybe I'll find it
Or maybe I won't
I'll do the best I can
I will succeed, fail, try again and give up
I know I believe in compassion
I'll try to live for that, until I find the way
If there is one
If God is real, he owns compassion
I'll live for compassion, until I find more about God
I think God is real
This isn't great, this isn't clear, this is sad, this is poor, and this is real
I may be worse off than you, I may be better off
This wasn't meant to be read by others
But, if you find it, please don't just leave it
Cause this is what someone's heart beats about
This is my thoughts, hopes and fears
This is why i'm quiet when everyone's loud
Why i'm empty when everyone's smiling
Why it's hard to convince me there is good
Why i'm bitter
This is my heart
This is my life
This is my name:
*Withheld for personal reasons*

This is what started my being honest with myself, so it holds a special meaning to me. A lot was going through my mind at the time I typed this and I was on the tipping point of a ton of change in my life. Even though many things I have typed since then have been very honest, none have been quite as honest as this. It may seem to be jiberish to you, but it is something real to me. Thanks for reading as far as you have.
Enjoy the honesty!