Hell of a Year

"It's been a tough year. You say that life ain't fair
Well, guess what, baby...life ain't. Thems the breaks
You say that life ain't worth it. But it is. You gotta work it
 Nobody's life is perfect" - Sage Francis

Last post I promised more and here it is. I was embarrassed to talk about this, just like I was embarrassed to speak honestly in the first place, but this is my tool to keep me sane, and after the total insanity has ended, I need to reflect.

Damn! Where should I begin? I guess I'll start earlier than when I entered the picture; this isn't my story, I just play a supporting character.

There was a girl, we'll call her Sarah. Sarah grew up in a lousy situation, her mom always chose losers, and one particular loser decided that her mom wasn't enough for him, and he wanted Sarah too. He molested her off and on for 2 years; it started when she was 8. Sarah couldn't cope with this, she has reoccurring nightmares about it (she's 22 now), it made her feel worthless. Somewhere along the line she tried to kill herself. I don't know when; I don't ask. Sarah may have had a chance at a somewhat sane life, she was recovering to a degree, a small degree, but it was something, but she met this guy, we'll call him John. John was also a loser, he gave Sarah painkillers which numbed out the feelings she had about herself. It won her love and they got married. It was doomed to fail from the beginning. He ran out of money, but she was still hooked on painkillers, they argued and he would hit her. I saw the bruises myself. Her mom got sick and she started to dance at a strip club to pay for the drugs and for her mom's medical care. This is where I enter the picture.

I was lonely, about to go on a long trip. I just wanted to enjoy myself, and have a bit of companionship for a couple hours, even if it was fake. The strip club was dead that night, so it was easy to get Sarah's attention, she was the prettiest girl there. I bought a few lap dances and then Sarah and I started to talk. She looked worried, so I asked her what was the matter. She evaded the question for a bit, but eventually told me she hadn't paid the electric bill and her mom's medical equipment would go dead if it wasn't paid tomorrow. I paid the bill for her. She told me her real name.

I promised to come visit her when I got back from my trip, and I did just that. I started supporting her, and we started going out. It was great for a while. I didn't know about the drugs and I was too blind to see the signs. I thought it was built up medical bills that took the money and had her so worried. When my money ran out, she had a partial, forced withdrawal. She started to act irrationally. We argued, she threatened to leave me and never call me again. It crushed me. I finally broke up with her, I would be there as a friend, but I couldn't be her lover anymore.

In the next few weeks and months, her life came off the tracks. Eventually, she moved in with this guy, we'll call him Sam. Sam was a decent guy, he was giving her a room because he thought she had nowhere else to go. Sarah stole from Sam to pay for her drugs, to make up for the withdrawal she got when I ran out of money. Sam found out and was furious, but he loved Sarah, so he gave her an ultimatum: Go to rehab, or go to prison. She chose rehab.

Sam called me, he told me everything. I was determined to try to help Sarah through this, regardless of the breakup, I was still in love with her. Sarah had to wait 2 weeks to get a bed at detox. She would spend time with me and Sam and her mom. We kept her away from the drugs as best as we could. We tried to calm her, to comfort her, to encourage her; we all had different approaches, we were all there for her in different ways, and we all made mistakes. In the end, I think we did okay. She went to detox and got clean. The day after, Sam took her on a trip so she wouldn't be near her drug dealer friends before rehab. They came back and before we knew it, Sarah was in rehab. She'll be out in about 3 months.

There is so much more to this story, I could write a novel about the last few months. In the end, both Sam and I are in love with Sarah. Sarah doesn't know what she feels. We've all decided to take a break from romance for her sake. I'm just waiting now for her to come out sober and changed. I hope she begins to heal from some of things that have been haunting her, beyond the drugs. I hope she comes to terms about the man who molested her; she needs to do this, for her own sake. Her determination to change is strong and I have high hopes for her. I love her so much! I just want to see her smile again.

Nothing about this has been easy, but I can honestly say I felt alive. I have a reason for living beyond making it to my next meal and hoping it gets better. I don't want that to end.

"It's been a tough year..."