I'm Back Again!

As the title would imply, I am back. I was feeling crappy so I guessed my old password correctly and got on here, mostly just to read old posts, and it comforted me. My poetry and thoughts are profound, at least they are profound to me and they help me when it's too much to take.

I don't have a whole lot to say, haven't for the past year it seems with the rather poor showing for 2012. This isn't the first time I've had a break from blogging, it may not be the last and maybe I'm outgrowing this way of expressing myself, maybe I don't need it anymore. I've grown unnaturally adept at explaining my fears, doubt, depression and misery to almost everyone I meet. The openness is disarming. No one can really say they don't relate with me to some extent and no matter how lousy you're feeling, it's comforting that someone else is feeling, or has felt, as shitty as you. Humans are social creatures and we must express ourselves; it's hardwired into who we are.

That being said, it's really nice to have a written log of my thoughts. I can go back to various points in my life for the past few years and remember them in detail. I don't remember "that trip" or "the time when we (fill in the blank)". As selfishly as it sounds, I remember me, how I was feeling or what deep thoughts I was thinking, not the little details of existance. Other than =^..^= (thanks so much! You make me feel special), and myself, no one really reads these thoughts but that's ok. It was a way to let myself out of the self-imposed cage I had built around my thoughts, mostly the cage was built to keep my thoughts away from my parents, who may have understood them better than I could have believed at the time.

Anyway, now that I'm done memorializing this blog (I have my fears that I may very well never bother to post again), let's get on with it, the very reason this thing exists, from day one, because I am still Honestly Alive. In long term thinking, I've watched my own thoughts change and watched myself grow older, and maybe tougher over the years.

From 17-21, I was massively confused. Christianity didn't make sense so I rejected it, and I had to come to my own conclusions about things, things I should have worked out when I was a kid but didn't because religion provided the answers and I was not encouraged to question things. With no real limits, I looked as far as I could see and reasoned it all out to the best of my ability. I determined that there is likely not a god, or any ultimate meaning or right or wrong for that matter, but for reasons I couldn't explain, I still did everything I could to be a decent person by American standards.

From 21-23, I tried to comprehend the implications of my belief. I explored what that meant: What I could do, what I would not do and why given I had no cosmic god-rudder directing my path. I mostly figured that morals and standards for society exist because they have to; they make us live with each other in healthy ways that keep us all going. Anyway, I tried very hard to stay positive during this time because it was useful. It wasn't that I actually believed everything was positive, even for a minute, it's just that it served no purpose to dwell on miserable things, so I avoided it. In many ways, I became the very thing I had hated before (I made a reference to Tulip Mania way back in the day to describe it).

And here I am, 24. I feel a new chapter is opening in my life, or maybe I'm just reverting. The whole everything-is-super-happy-and-fun culture is grating at me again. I'm in love with a girl who's losing her mom to cancer, and it's decidedly NOT super-happy-and-fun. The Buddists have convinced themselves that death is a cause for celebration, but it's in the mind only, and only with intense training. They are right to say not to fear death, and that it's just a part of life, but it is not happy, nor should it be treated as such in my opinion. A 21 year old girl should not have to bury her mother. It's crushing to see her convince herself that the next treatment or surgury will solve anything, but it gives her some respite, so I let her be. Some things in the world really suck. While I don't think we should dwell on those things so much that they hinder our ability to live, at least not for long, we shouldn't lie to ourselves and say everything is fine either.

All these thoughts have gotten me closer so something... I don't know, being old maybe? But they also seem to sap the color out of life. There were the hot reds and brght whites, deep blues and void blacks, but it all seems to fade now to a more steady shade of grey (I think I'm quoting myself there, I'm so vain, I probably think this song is about me...). Maybe I'm finally ready to feel the warm glow of love to bring me back to life, but I've been warned that even that is fleeting.

So here I am, not excited, depressed, angry or confused. Ready to see what comes next, but not particularly interested in it either. What will the next car be that drives down this road? Will it be a BMW or a Honda? I really don't care. It will pass, maybe I'll wave, and that will be all.

That's all I have for now, goodnight!