Regret

Another wasted day
Regret
Another stone to drag along
Regret
Another pain felt alone
Regret
Another day to try to forget
Regret
Another day, another down
Regret
Another wasted day

Hey!

Hey, read this one like you're talking, it flows better.

So here goes. Shit. So here's the deal. I don't have anything to talk about. I just want to blog. Maybe I think it's unique that the fucking blog doesn't have a purpose, or maybe I'm just bored. All I want to do is talk.

I've got a lot of things I could talk about, and a couple I forgot. I'm scared that I'm becoming my miserable dad. I'm realizing that a 22 year old virgin is gonna die from nerves if he does it the first time. I know I can't socially adapt. And I know that women pull their kids nearer to them when I'm there. I also know I only watch them carefully cause a 6'2 guy trips on the little guys if he's not careful.

I'm so fully aware of my mistakes, but I don't know what's good about me. I know it's there. I know people rely on me, they trust me, and not just at work, but I don't know why. I don't deeply understand the good in me, I only understand the evil. WHY!?

I'm frustrated, and like my best friend would say "very confused". I need to reset, but my brain is wired a certain way, and it won't just change for me. I don't even know what it will take for me to be cured from my sickness. Or maybe I do know what it would take, but I'm not willing to pay that price. What I think it may take is this. This blog. This honesty.

I saw a episode of House, a man was robo-tripping to dumb himself down since his own intelligence was making him miserable. I feel if I give this up, I'll be doing the same thing in a way. I also think that if I keep up this brutal honesty, I'll never adapt, never be normal.

What can happen in a mind is a motherfucker.

About You

Maybe we'll see
All of our dreams
or maybe we'll hear
All of our fears

It could be I'll run
Where maybe you'll walk
Or maybe you'll win
Where maybe I lost

But one thing I know
I can't do it alone
Can't live by myself
On this alien soil

So when we are far
Far, far away
I'll keep you close
On this telephone line

And know when you hurt
I hurt with you too
And know when I'm gone
I think about you

I think about you

I'm pretty stoked about this one! The lyrics and the music happened at the same time and I really like how it sounds. It may be a stretch for me vocally, but a little bit of rekeying should fix that. It's just a song for the fam and some good friends that I'm far away from right now.

Far Beyond

A little thunder in the evening
A little rain to wake you in the morning.
See a thing so simple, a thing so pure
And be happy darling

Fly beyond your toil my dear
Far beyond it all

A breath of cool air in the evening
To dry the sweat from you skin
All your work is done for the day
Be satisfied in what what is done

Fly beyond your toil my dear
Far beyond it all

Let's sit on the porch and keep the conversation slow
Have a glass for the day
Forget the rest, no worries, no fear
The evening rain is here

Fly beyond your toil my dear
Far beyond it all

This song was interesting for me to write, though the lyrics aren't the best I've done. First of all, much of my music is very soothing, while my lyrics tend to be pretty intense. I've found that the two are nearly impossible to mesh, so I can't make the music work. This song was a thought out attempt to get some words I could work with. It's not the greatest way to write and this will probably not even make the final cut to an EP (which I hope to produce sometime in the next 5 years or so), but I figure it's a worthwhile placeholder for some better lyrics.

This song was inspired by Ireland, my Bouzouki and "Little Laughter" by Acoustic Alchemy.

Someone Called it Relapse

I'm losing ground again
Falling by the wayside
Falling, stumbling, losing ground
Washing away like a worn down stone
Washing into the oblivion of the sea
See? Can you see me?
Losing ground
Giving blood
Falling away
Drifting away
Like the dust picked up from a barren plain
And carried far, far away
Carried till the end of time
Washed into the sea
Losing ground
Tripping, falling
Falling
Falling
Sliding
Losing ground
Giving up
Going back
Going home
To shelter
To safety
To misery

I found this one in my poetry folder and was a little surprised by it. My computer is telling me I wrote it on December 27, but I can't remember exactly why or what mood I was in (bad, I'm guessing). I really do like how this one flows and the point of it. It may be the basis for more work later.

Drunken Rant About Religion

So, I'll put the explanation on top for this one. I just found a backlog of stuff that I was too lazy to put on here when I wrote it, and some of it is good. The rest is at least somewhat significant; something that should be remembered. At least it should be remembered by me.

Being drunk is fun, I recommend it from time to time. Being drunk and pissed off is not so fun, but it does allow things to come out when you wouldn't be willing to say it otherwise. I'm not particularly proud of the following lines, but it did help me realize why I was so angry at religion, so here goes.

9:47
10:07
What's the fucking difference?
Why do I pretend I'm still my parents' son
or my sister's brother
Reeling in the dark with another beer
Another, another again

You fucking freak!
I'm me
Only me
decide if you like me
Yes. Lie to me you fucker!
A master of lies, religion
say anything that will make me walk in your ambush

I'm a fucking disaster walking and you know it
A motherfucker, but that's not the language you use
It's what I use
Forget what they say you are
Cause you may not like the answer if you look at yourself
You know that you say
So you forget the question
Forget the answer
Walk away, it's all good
Lies aren't too bad
Just a fucking blasphemy of your God-damn religion

Forget me, it's easier
Forget me for being me
For being different
You motherfucker
Why can't you fucking disown me so I can live free
Fuck you

In this drunken state, no one should listen to whaT I say
Except for those who want to hear, to listen to... to...
To understand, you fucker
Hahaha! Laugh at me for the balls that you don't have
Laugh cause you'd fucking never say any of these fucking words
You'd lie, at least I keep that fucking commandment, you fuck!

Lie again, lie again... you fuck
Wage a war
Spill my blood
Pour your gold
sell your morality
I'll drink to the morning just to piss you off
You fuck! You fuck!

I'm free till I die
Then I'm free when I die
Try to judge me
Try to contain me

Drunk
Fuck
Fuck
Not like you
Fuck you
Fuck me
Let's make another disaster for god to frown upon
And let me laugh while you pray, thinking you're redeemed

A Memory Forgotten

It's been a while since I did this. Half poetry, mostly not, lines, few rhymes; meaning.

I've seen beauty when I was 16
Turn to ugly when I'm 22
And dreams at 15 turn to demons at 19
So what is stable and what is not
Is it worth a try at a definition?
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and the beauty lasts a day
And the beholder lasts a lifetime

I can't even see an instant
Can't see the trees for the forest
Or a raindrop for the pouring, pouring rain
Time stretches on for years
In every direction but here
Right now is a void
Bordered by shining lights and barbed wire fences
Both places that aren't reality
I maintain the norm forever, the forever me
A solid ash, in a city of oaks
Trying to grow tall and feel the sunshine on my leaves

I grow silently and no one sees me
They think I'm the budding seed I was at 16
But I'm scarred and battered
I survived the storm when the oaks branches split above my humble stump
I didn't burn when the forest went up in flames
And I haven't been spared like you
So no, no, no you don't know me anymore
And you really don't want this close to you
Let me retreat before you think I could be the one
And let me speak a bit of wisdom before I go

A philosopher and a sage is all I am
Lonely from town to town
A traveling preacher with no flock to save
No money to make
There will be no pearls at my gate
But a piece of steel I forged
And my fence will stand when yours crashes to the ground

Reality, worth maintaining?
Well maybe, maybe not, but I choose to believe so
I build my gate from steel, but what does it defend me from?
What do your pearls give you?
Only the dead can answer that

A hell of a day
I'll walk into eternity and on to obscurity
When a stranger mumbles my name in a graveyard and walks on
It'll be unreadable eventually
And it's all gone again
A memory forgotten

I was listening to "The Truth" by Handsome Boy Modeling School when I wrote most of this. I also made an audio recording of it which I actually like, which is really strange. I usually hate to hear my own voice. I'm glad I've been getting back into the normal groove of semi-poetry and more straightforward talking. I've got more to say, and I'd really like to say it tonight, but I have to be up early, so I'll just be off to bed. Goodnight!