Insomnia

Too late at night now to be scared of another grey sky
Closing eyelids throw it all into the sea
Forget that there could be a different me
Wake to the alarm, scared like a heart attack
Remember where I lost it the other night
For a moment try to get it back
Struggle for a minute and watch the vapors drift away
Know I have to work and lose the progress that I made
Tired as hell at 5 o'clock, need an hour to relax
It winds up being 4 and the story retells
Another confused cycle and lack of sleep begins
And I know that somehow this has got to end

Christianity and my problems with it

After about 9 freecell losses, I think I'm ready to quit it. So here's the reason for all the freecell; freecell is my way of relaxing, not in a enjoying myself kind of way, but a way to think about stuff without just sitting there and doing nothing.

I went to a Bible study today because some friends I know are there and sat through it uncomfortably. I have to face it; I'm not ok with Christianity. More than not believing it, I don't like it. It's a little scary, billions of people trusting and obeying a 2000 year old text from an offshoot of an ancient religion. It scews their views on everything, and suddenly a good chance occurance becomes a miracle, and a bad one, a lesson from God.

With a normal belief that has no foundation in fact, it is a simple thing to change a reasonable person's mind. You give them facts that disagree with that belief and though it may take a while, the facts speak for themselves. With a religion, it is more than fact and fiction; it's emotion and morals, and reasoning out something that can't be defined or observed, so no amount of evidence is enough to change the belief.

At this Bible study, a friend was talking about a medical mission trip she went on that changed her life, and as I listened, I heard things so familiar to me. I heard her talk about giving herself to God and giving up things that have held her back here in the States. I knew with a dull ache that this was an emotional response to the great sense of purpose she found there, but that the drive she has now to change will transform into a guilt for returning to her old self (which is not a bad thing mind you, this person is one of the most genuine and caring people I know). I can't speak badly about what happened on that trip, but I hate to see her fall into that trap of guilt. It's like watching a car wreck from a distance; you can see what is about to happen, but you're powerless to stop it.

So what do I do now? Lash out against Christianity? Bail on my Christian friends? Of course not! But what can I do when the core of their beliefs are so offensive to me? I don't know.

If this gets 1 read, thanks for the read.

Currently listening to Hard Times by Matthew Perryman Jones