Blah, Blah Blog

So, this is my first "normal" blog post. I'm just straight-up typing this out, right here. It's not my poetry, but it's still honest, and these are still my thoughts. So let's get to it!

It's just wierd how some little things, like hearing from some old friends, lending a hand to some strangers and a song can just bring you up (the song was Sway by the Perishers http://www.myspace.com/theperishers). Thinking is good, it's great; it makes us realize things we forgot and lets us see a truer side of us. Even with all my thinking though, there is something I guess I had almost forgotten: What it is to EXPERIENCE.

I've talked greatly of love, and believe strongly in sacrifice, and believe that these things combined make an amazing bond with people, but until I helped those strangers with my friends, it didn't quite hit home. When I did, there was a bond that was re-made with my friends. It was a "I know I can count on you, and you know you can count on me, and there's the world, we can make it better." sort of thing. It wasn't something amazing we did, just taking care of some kids for a few hours, but it WAS something right. No complex political idea, or some special "I'm doing the right thing" sort of deal (like volunteering), just seeing some people that needed help and helping. I guess the people and the song sort of add to this because the last time I was with those people, I was experiencing this stuff and the song is about a friend who is just doing what a good friend does.

So, though I don't think I've said it here before, I've held this belief for a while: Doing the right thing, that's what my belief in God is all about, just doing what's the best for people, what's right. It's there cause (I believe) God did what was best for me, when he died and forgave me. He did the right thing when he accepted me. Like that person who just hangs onto someone when they're going through depression or alcohol addiction or whatever. It's not that they earned it, or somehow deserve it; it's just that it does something good for that person's life, so it's worth it, whatever it ends up costing. This is something I think everyone understands to a certain degree, whether or not you have religious beliefs behind it, it's just very hard to say in words. I guess the closest I'm going to get here is: I feel so great to feel like crap to make someone else's life better. Maybe that'll be my definition of sacrifice... yeah.

Ok, well those are my thoughts for now. And to the cheering masses reading this (in my dreams), goodnight.

I Don't Believe You

Again I find myself awake
Many hours past when I should sleep
Again my lack of answers appalls me
Again I wish I was somewhere but here

And yes I know
Just live another day
Endure a little more pain
Give a little more love 

I feel like a ship taking water
Always surviving, never quite how I should be
Always bailing water
I don’t quite sink 

I know hope is supposed to carry me
But faith for me is disbelief
And love is something I have to fight for
And I’m, SO tired of fighting

And yes I know
Just live another day
Endure a little more pain
Give a little more love
And I know
This may be just a phase
It’ll be gone someday
But I don’t believe it

Yeah, I don’t believe you
I’ll hurt you and be true
I don’t believe you
I don’t believe you

Even though this seems like an end-of-faith song, it really is not. What it is is a painful acceptance that faith and everything that goes along with it will be hard.

I Want to Expand

I want to expand
To experience more
To see more, to be more
To hear more, to feel more

To feel that high of adrenaline again
To scare myself every now and then
To remember that tomorrow is fiction
And the night has never been certain

To fall asleep with nothing left
To sleep through the night like I’m dead
To wake up with a plan in my head
And be just nuts enough to do what I said

To go to the top of a mountain before dawn
To take a picture, the only one
Of this brand new day, from this place
To watch the beautiful birth of day

To watch the people as they pass and go
Down at the park where they walk slow
And see the expressions on their faces
And maybe better understand this human race

To spend a week in the woods with a pack on my back
And watch the wren and the sparrow as they dart and dash
Feel the cold of a stream to take a bath
And feel the sun on my face, and the wind at my back

To have a few fans to listen to my songs
And have time to write music for every one
Some recording gear that’s easy to use
And a nice quiet place I could record it for you

I‘m done for the night, nothing else left to say
I hope you found humor in the words of this page
But also of wisdom, of something further than now
And I hope you have courage to live it out

This started with me wanting to describe, in a freestyle way, my desire to write songs about something different and turned into a poem about things I want to do, but just can't seem to.

Just Speak!

You say you’re fine
But your boyfriends on your mind
Something’s behind
What you don’t say

Where is it?
What is it?
What am I missing?

Still you say you’re alright
But you admit your parents had another fight
And I see it in your eyes
There’s something you hide

Where is it?
What is it?
What am I missing?
Just speak
Say anything
Anything you really mean

Don’t feel like you have to say it to me
I don’t mind not knowing if that’s how you need it to be
But let something out, I know you’ve got friends
Who’d hang onto you, whatever you said

I did it myself
With some words on a page
I let it all out
I’m stronger today

Where is it?
What is it?
What am I missing?
Just speak
Say anything
Anything you really mean

She speaks

This was originally made because I saw how people never said how they actually felt online. Now that may be smart of them not to tell much online, but it made me think about how people seem to do that in “normal” life too. I decided that my music was getting a little too depressing so I made our hero speak :)

Walk Away

Treat me like I’m blind
Treat me like a suck up
Cause I’ll say anything
For your satisfaction

Tell me not to think
Tell me to live your morals
Tell me what’s right and wrong
Cause I just cannot find that out

And you dare
To ask
Why they run away
And you dare
To ask
Why I walked away

Every day seemed the same
Of failing at the things you told me
And I was scared to death
Of telling you what I really thought

Could you have accepted me?
Or would you have backed away from me?
Would I have been condemned?
Like anyone… unlike you!

And you dare
To ask
Why they run away
And you dare
To ask
Why I walked away

Thank God
I saw through this
Thank God
I’m still alive
But I’m scared
For my friends
I’m scared cause they believe it

And I dare
To say
Why they run away
And I dare
To say
Thank God I walked away

Free Style Mind Flow

Pointless
No purpose
So dark
Oh it don’t need to be
Just the thing
It’s what it is
I suppose
And I choose
This way I guess
My own private
Hell life
Out of site
Need to say goodnight
But I’m tired
Of waking up
To a nothing day
With nothing to say
And no meaningful way
Of living
So I type into the night
About my and the world’s plight
But no one likes to read
So I type for me
And I die trying to see
Why is there me
And why am I here
And what’s gonna happen next year
The news will talk a ton
About the awful thing we’ve done
And how this year
Is the worst it’s ever been
But I’m tired
And do I care
Is there enough beyond my doorstep
To step out
To take a risk
To take a chance
And believe
There is anything at all
Worthwhile
Just want to sleep tonight
And know I’ve grown
That I’m stronger
That I’m better
And that I woke up for a reason
And I earned my sleep
These raving disappoint me
Cause there’s nowhere else at all
That they bring me to
So I try to find revelation
In someone else song
In someone else’s story
In someone else’s thought
But thoughts are tainted
By politic
The lies
And the desire
For power
I’m running out of steam
And I wonder
If this got me closer to me
To some sort of understanding
No way
A wasted day