Short Rap-Cursing

And this is the time
I’m so afraid to put a curse in my rhyme
Cause I’m afraid of someone finding out and stumbling
Cause they don’t know what it doesn’t means to me
It ain’t my thing to write lines just to satisfy
An unwritten code of law that God never ratified
And I don’t want to say
For everyone it’s okay
Cause I know most of the population uses it for hatred and rage
So stop listening to my reasons
Hold your own convictions
Cause this is a gray section, not an area for dead religion
To call a black and white, call out and say “you’re a sinner”

This sorta explains what I personally thing about cursing. I wrote this because I was afraid of posting my last post because of the cursing and how people would see it. Oh, and I have to give it up to Mars Ill for some inspiration.

First Worthwhile Rap

I’m tired of livin’ like the saint
Cause I’d rather be the sinner
When your whole life don’t make sense
And you can’t figure
Any way to live
Cept dying
Keep tryin’
For another day, in another way
Of lying
Bout the way it’s ok
I’m sick of it
I’ll admit it
Fine, I’m lying, I’m angry
I feel like shit

I’m tired of seeing my sister beat, depressed and lonely
I’ll tell her that I care but it never does a thing
I’m tired of every day seeing my mom and dad fighting
Over the stupidest things, can’t they agree on anything?!
I’m sick of the riches that I live in
The clicks that I get in
Sometimes want to break my window, feel the cold and know what it’s like to be poor again
But no more
Got to quit
My crazy thinking
Cause these riches are a blessing is what they say, I don’t believe em

Heaven hear my cry
I’m not asking for the perfect life
I’m just asking to be living more than I’m dyin’
And I know you’re there
You showed how you much cared
You’re still the only reason that I’m standing here

So I get on the internet, hit the music, turn on the TV
To turn my brain off but all I’m seeing
Is how somebody lied, some people died
And my tortured brain can’t stop thinking
In a second this half-diversion is gone and I’m moving
No time to think it out, how to make it better, I’m losing
Time to think till way late at night
Or maybe early next morning, I put some words in ink
Till I’m tired as hell and I go to bed worried
Sometimes it’s hard to believe that somebody even heard me

Again I was worried about posting this, oh well, here it is. I think there should be more to this, but I know myself as a songwriter enough to know I'll probably never put more in, so I'm posting it as-is. I only had the guts to post this when I wrote what comes right after this (which was typed several days earlier).

Pointless and Funny

I found a funny quote at a para-military type of enviroment. I couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes when I first saw it. Some may find the langauge to be a bit inappropriate; I just find it to be funny. Here it is:

"Our captain says,
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."

Forget It

Forget it
I’m sick of it
Not gonna get what you want cause you never did give
Forget it
Now you want something more but I’m sorry, you already have your click
Forget it
Cause you dropped me as soon as I was inconvenient
So forget it
You’ll never have any part of me
Forget it
I made one mistake and you won’t let it go
Just forget it
Don’t even try to mend it
Forget it
Cause I don’t need your drama
Forget it
I don’t try to live your morals
Forget it
Don’t you dare think I should even try
Forget it
I’ll be gone in three months so you won’t see my face
Forget it
Cause I’m walking my own life without you in it
Forget it

Pretty much I was pissed off at a bunch of people who've bailed on me and some that have suddenly tried to make our relationship better 3 months before I leave for good. When I didn't respond too great to that, they just got mad at me. So to them (though I won't say it to their faces) is forget it, that relationship is not valuable to me. This doesn't really work with a beat because I was so pissed off I didn't want to change a single word for the sake of beat.

Targets

We’re just targets
We never move
We’re just shooters
We aim, we shoot
The lines are drawn
Between me and you
I’ll let you have it
That’s what I do

But as I squeeze that trigger
A part of me wonders
Is this right?
But the shot is gone, my aim was on
And you fall down, down, down

We just say
The same old lines
We only see
What’s in our minds
And as a new
Subject arises
We follow habit
We draw a line

And I squeeze that trigger
There’s a part of me that wonders
Is this right?
But the shot is gone, my aim was on
And you fall down, down, down

I walk on
Onto the line
And I decide
To not pick sides
But they all see
A different me
And they all take
Their shots at me

But as you squeeze that trigger
Is there a part of you that wonders?
Am I right?
But the shot is gone, your aim was on
And I fall down, down, down

This pretty much sums up my view on politics. Sure I can hold an intelligent conversation on many different political topics and I stay more current on world events than practically all my friends, but I do that to understand. All this two-sided smashing drives me nuts; rarely, if ever, is a situation really that simple. Oh, and I have to say the groove of the song was inspired by this guy I stumbled upon on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Gi7ISI34ZE

The Difference

We’ve all heard it
But I will dare to say it
It’s true of me
I am the failure
I deserve nothing
But hate for what I’ve done
I’m not the scapegoat
I’m the one

To know
I’m wrong
I’ve lost
And I deserve
Nothing

I’m the one
You see falling
You see failing
I’ll say it louder!
I’m the screw up
I’m the one shouting
I’m the one doubting
And there’s something

In knowing
I’m wrong
I’ve lost
And I deserve
Nothing

If you ever see
Something good in me
Please know this isn’t me
Cause alone I’m nothing
But I’ve become something
With God’s love in me

This is my way of saying the difference between someone who follows Christ and someone who doesn't... sort of. I wanted to make it amazingly clear how small the difference is and where it it. I'm NOT a better person, and I think it's important to remember that. The difference is something I could never deserve, and something I had very little to do with; God did it, for God knows why.

Parents/Forgivenss

Well, today wound up as a big argument with my parents, my mom mostly. I finally busted and said what I thought, why it's hard for me to value what they say. Like I expected, it fell on deaf ears and she (my mom) blew it off.

I also realized to some extent how much I haven't forgiven my parents. Their teaching... indoctrinating me in their screwed up version of religion, and all the hell that caused. They've never said they're sorry, and I don't think they are. In fact, I don't think they think they were ever wrong. So the question is: Can I forgive them? I guess I should, but that's not the question. The question is: CAN I? I simply don't know. This went deep. If you want to understand how deep, you may want to read Rebellion of June, 07. It still gives me chills (in a bad way) to read that.

Change?

Getting angrier every day
And I hate who I’m becoming

I see everything
I thought I beat, reappearing

Is it really possible
To change a man?
Can it be done?
I don’t know

Now you want me to say
That I was all wrong

That people can change
More than on the outside

Is it really possible
To change a man?
Can it be done?
I don’t know

No, I just don’t know

A Prayer

This will be my prayer
It will not be poetic
So God, here goes
This isn’t how it’s meant to be. I shouldn’t be staying up till two every night cause I don’t know why I should get up tomorrow. I try to answer that question every single night; I don’t think I’ve done it. Honestly, I’m scared that I’ll grow old and die still asking the question “why am I alive” and “why should I get up today”. I don’t see a reason to it. Some things seem to satisfy me, but they are so few and far between. So God, what is it you want me to be? What should I do? How should I live tomorrow? Why did you give me breath to breath? WHY? Everything that gave me meaning has seemed to fade away. I feel like I’ve lost time, like my life was meant to be more, but it’s gone. It seems that there is time that I had the chance to do something with and it just disappeared. It was gone. God, please give me something more than this, cause just surviving is terrible, it’s awful. It reminds me of Augustana “You’ll kill yourself to find anything at all”. This is killing me, well, my sleep at least. It’s 2:20 and I know tomorrow I’ll wake up way too late. This is killing me. This isn’t my most desperate hour, but if this goes on much longer, I don’t know what will be able to wake me up. It’s like I’m asleep, the days go by in some sort of bizarre haze. I grow colder and crueler every day. Help… please. Like I’ve said a hundred times before, I’ve never needed you more than now.

I almost didn't put this one up here, and actually it's a few days old. I just couldn't do it at the time I typed it, but I felt that I sort of gave you, the reader, some sort of pledge. Something saying "I will show you an honest view of me, even if you never know my name" (I'll admit, I've kept a few private so you won't find my name, but for no other reason). I'll be posting a new one in a couple of minutes, and that doesn't mean I had some great blast of thinking, it's just that this one was delayed a bit.

Friends

Dear friends
Time goes on
We grow old
Older than we once knew

It was fun
But good times end
I’m on with my life
Goodbye friends

I know you’ll miss me
Like I’ll miss you
But we’ll have things to do
It will fade

Fond memories
Is all we’ll be
Then finally
A distant dream

Our paths may never
Pass again
But thank you cause
You we’re my friend

I'm 19 now, and I will soon be off to the rest of my life. This is just a little goodbye to my high school friends. Very few of them will read it.