The Meaninglessness of Life

I walked a dozen miles, a hundred days just see my shoes tear to shreds
Those shoes are long forgotten
And it's nothing strange
I rode a bike 50 miles a year and a day, then the tire blew beneath me
That bike is long forgotten
And it's nothing strange
I drove a car, I don't even know how far, till black smoke poured out and it wouldn't start
That car is long forgotten
And it's nothing strange
I've lived 20 years, I'll live some more, but when time and wear finally takes my life
I'll be soon forgotten
And it'll be nothing strange at all

It was a little uncomfortable writing about my own death so it's even a little more uncomfortable to hand it off to you, but I'm honest to you, so here it is.

Currently listening to Joe Metro by Blue Scholars

Alone at Home

I've had a rough time of it recently. As any faithful reader of my blog would know (which means no one), I am not a Chriatian at all. I'm Agnostic and lean alightly towards Athiesm. Recently though, I've been on vacation at home and I don't know how to act.

It's wierd, people (mainly family) talk to me about the Christian stuff and expect me to agree with them. For example, my mom and I were talking politics and I expressed concern about Obama's policy on Iraq. Now I disagree pretty strongly with his plan of getting U.S. forces out in 18 months; I think has the potential to reverse all the good stuff that happened there in 2007. My mom simply stated "No matter what happens, it's in God's hands". I wanted to say, "Yeah! And tell that to the Marine I met who spent 4 tours in Iraq, who's hard work, who's buddies deaths suddenly means nothing, tell that to him!" I don't want to sound like things like this have to eat at us, but at least the fate of a country that ours is directly involved in should cause some sort of response, not a God-given apathy.

My family is Christian, my friends are Christians, and here I am, an Agnostic who everyone thinks is a Christian. I haven't broken the news to anyone; I don't know if I should. It may not be fair to them, but I don't want to be treated like an enemy or a "lost soul" by the people that are my base. A friend of mine asked me the question directly, in a joking manner, but directly, and I was stunned, scared I'd have to lie to keep the secret safe. I'm just glad the topic changed before I had to answer. I know I'm living a double life and I'll just be glad to be away from it. It's an aweful thing to be scared of rejection by your own family for something that is more personal than your relationship with them.

Currently listening to Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day

Who She Really Loves

I walked to her slowly
And it seemed nothing strange
To say I knew her name
Cause she had a reputation
And it seemed not odd at all
When I offered her another bottle

Cause she was any man's
With the hand on the bottle or glass
And she'd be anyone
Just to see a sign of who she really loved

I talked to her softly
Like a lion before the kill
And she was buying it all
But before the deal was drawn
A glance of her bloodshot eyes
Shot it all to hell

And she'd be anyone's
With enough alcohol in her veins
But she dies to see anything
Like the one she really loves

And I stopped
And we talked
And I asked about her past
And the liqour on her breath
Spilled the secrets of her past
About a man who died two years back
In a gunfight in Iraq

It was strange writing this. First of all, I really don't know anyone at all like this, though it was inspired by half a dozen people. Anyway I was listening to Death Cab for Cutie's song "Cath" and I felt like I should write something so I typed the first two lines and the rest came to me. When I started typing I didn't even know what the song would be about, but with only one edit to one part of one line, this is what to came to my head, straight through. No going back and editing or changing anything to make it work with where the song was going.

Now listening to Cath by Death Cab for Cutie

Looking for God

I looked for God in the sky
And only the stars stared back
I looked for God in the news
And I didn't find Him there
I looked for God in a gentle breeze
But turned away with a sigh
I looked for God in mankind
But was afraid of what I found
I looked for God in my mind
But I know He's not there
I looked for God in my soul
And saw a flicker of light

I dug this one up from earlier (I'm a liar, it was sitting on the desktop), and thought "What the heck is this". Believe it or not, "Looking for God" is not the average title of things on my desktop, so I opened it up and found this. I remember I was saving it until I completed it, but when I read it again, it seemed that it didn't need more work, so here it is.

Currently listening to Always Coming Back to You by Atmosphere

A conversation about me

"Is he a nice guy?"
"Umm... I guess technically yes"
"Technically?"
"Eh..."
"Will he treat me with respect?"
"Oh yeah, there's no doubt. He'll hold the doors for you and all that, he won't ask you to go any further
than you're ok with, he'll look you in the eye when you talk to him. He's a gentleman and he'll act like it"
"Will he be there for me?"
"Every time. You may have to make sure he still gets stuff done, cause he'd spend himself completely
for you if you let him"
"So why do you say he's just a technically nice guy"
"Because he really doesn't give a shit"
"Huh?"
"He's diciplined, he'll do all I've said, but that's cause he's trained himself to be that way, not because he really
cares. The guy would die for you, and he'd die for anyone in this room, but that's just what he does, don't dream
he cares."
"So how do you know all this"
"I know him pretty well and I've seen it when I've talked to him, he knows it about himself and he hates it,
but it's who he is"
"So do you think I should go out with him?"
"Well, you couldn't do better I guess. I mean, he's a really sweet guy; just don't be disappointed if it doesn't go
anywhere. He's not one to get emotionally attached to anyone... I don't know. I don't want to set you up for
failure, but maybe you could reach him. I mean if you could, I think you guys would make a great couple."
"Yeah... ok, thanks!"
"So what are you going to do?"
"I don't know, I'll give you a call"

This is a mock conversation by two girls about me. Dang, that's a wierd angle, oh well. I think it describes me and how I view girls, and heck, maybe even the world. I couldn't think of any other to say it, so there it is.

The Meaning of Life

So this is it, this is the post. The meaning of life post. Every other post built to this one I guess. 

So what is the meaning of life? Though I hate to say it, as far as I can figure, there is none. Any meaning that someone makes is artificial, it's something to drive them, or it's an internal obligation.  Since I don't agree with religion, and am not too sure with spiritualism as a whole, I don't think there's anything beyond what I can see weighing the acts of anyone. So what is right and wrong? Everyone has a different opinion on what's right and wrong, so my opinion on what is right is only agreed upon if my point of view wins. So again, what is right and wrong? It doesn't exist, it's simply a way we describe how we would like things to be.

So should we live to help humanity? Well, the greatest thoughts of mankind, from democracy, to religion, to the flush toilet (which may be the most amazing) have failed to solve the basic problems we see in the world. We are still ravaged by war, disease, death, despair, starvation and the bitter hate between neighbors. So should I waste all my energy trying to do something great that will never solve the issue? The solution is not there.

So if there is no meaning to life, how am I going to live? That is the question that I must answer. Does this mean that I'm going to be a jerk to everyone? No, I see no reason. It's easier for everyone if we get along with each other, but I don't know exactly how I am going to live. With my beliefs, there's not really any reason to be driven, other than what I enjoy. That sounds petty, but maybe it's the most honest way I can describe why I do stuff, because it's the most enjoyable way to live.

Alright, I give you this one with a heavy heart, cause it's the end of an age, a new chapter. A new chapter tends to mean something fresh, exciting, but this seems like a conclusion, like I've found what I was looking for, but am a bit unsatisfied with the answer. Because of the nature of this post, it may be my last one for a while. There really doesn't seem to be a reason to type beyond this, but who knows, I may have more.

Till I find something new,

Always true to you,

Me

Listening to Never Again by Griffin House

A Tribute to Deputy Anne Jackson

"Sept. 3 (Bloomberg) -- Six people, including a sheriff's deputy, were killed in Washington state when a man suffering from a mental illness went on a shooting spree, before surrendering to police following a car chase, the Associated Press reported."

You may be asking yourself "Why is he posting about this? News isn't his thing." You're right, news is not my thing, at least not on this blog, but this is not news for me; this hit me a little closer. A friend of mine is involved with the Skagit County Sheriff's Department, and she knew the deputy who was killed. The deputy's name is Anne Jackson, she was 40 years old and had served in the department for 6 years.

The reason I'm typing this is because of my own inability to do anything to make the situation better. When someone dies there's little one can do, especially when you're thousands of miles away. At that distance, all you have is words, but what words can do anything? I can't say "It'll be alright" cause it isn't and someone is in the ground. All I can say is "I agree, it sucks" and hopefully my friend will find comfort in the empathy. There's no reason to sugarcoat it, there's nothing that can be gained from that; this sucks.

I've heard it said that a million people dying is not a tragedy, but one person dying is. The potential of a million people could never be calculated, the loss could never be understood, but the loss of one person could. What could have deputy Anne Jackson been; what could she have done. I don't know but I know someone who knew her, and that person will see the impact of her loss often.

Such a rash action, and in a instant, such a waste. She was a just doing her job, and now she's gone for good.

If you just read this, keep Deputy Jackson's friends and family and the entire Skagit county law enforcement community on your thoughts and prayers.

Thanks

Why so serious?

Yes, that is a quote from The Dark Knight; good movie. Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that I'm too serious, I take things too seriously. I'm not sure why I'm so serious, but I'm not really liking this.

Maybe there have to be those people in the world that take everything more seriously than the rest, but even though I love to help out, I don't really want to be the sacrifice. To be the one who bears the weight of the world so everyone else can live easy. I want to live a little, to get out and just have some fun, but it's almost as if I don't know how to, because my fun always seems to take a serious turn, like I feel guilty if I have fun just for the hell of it. Maybe I just am not such a simple person to be satisfied by a rush or a "good time". Maybe it's cause I'm like any other man, trying to create his legacy and I see that this so-called fun won't do it for me. I don't know.

This is something I haven't figured out so I'll keep it on my mind; maybe something will come to me.

My blogs are a little boring, so I'm going to start putting a picture to each new post. I hope this works.

I've been listening to a lot of Thrice recently: http://www.myspace.com/thrice 

By snakemanrob on Flickr

A Little Pissed Off

I was talking to a Christian preacher this evening and he kinda pissed me off. My reaction surprised me actually. Anyway, this is what happened: He was talking about how some horrible things (specifically deaths) were okay cause the people were going to heaven. This made me think, what about non-Christians? What happens to us? When I was talking to him, I asked him about the non-Christian who jumps on grenade in war to save his squad, and the answer I eventually got was, yeah, the guy is going to hell. He said that this guy's one good deed didn't pay for the bad he had done, but he also said if Hitler repented on his death bed, he was saved. I don't know about you, but I think that's insane. He called it "justice"; I call it "fucked up".

So a man who does his best to make the world a better place and dies to save his friends, but has made a least one mistake, is worse than someone who spent their whole life working to harm his fellow man but changes his mind as he dies? I just can't accept that. I'm not saying that I'd like to see either come to harm, but certainly, if I had to choose, I'd choose differently.

This is one of the reasons I left Christianity. The heart of who I am is disgusted by those morals. I am all for mercy... for anyone, and I am certainly not for eternal torture for someone who decided to die in place of his friends, or even greater, for a stranger.

I just can't accept that, it's too much. Even if God stood in front of me and said "I am God, and this is what is right and wrong" I couldn't accept it. I would have to say "Send me to hell, I know these morals are messed up and I will not compromise". If there is a different viewpoint, maybe I could accept it, but this seems to be the norm for Christianity.

So right now, I'm torn between a love for the love in Christianity and a hate for the condemnation in it. I'm torn.

Currently listening to May it be a Sweet Sound by Briertone http://www.myspace.com/briertone One of those bands I love for just barely making it; just big enough to tour, still small enough to be unknown.

A Dry Spell

I like writing these things; I like thinking about these things, but sometimes I just don't have it in me to type them. For the past couple days I've wanted to type something up but haven't had it in me to do so. 

Oh! I do have something to say. I was in a conversation, or an argument, about the whole creation vs. evolution thing and it's amazing what some people will ignore or discredit to support their argument. I was talking to someone who was convinced that the earth is about 6000 years old and it didn't matter what evidence we presented to her, there was nothing that could convince her. The belief that the Bible was historically correct covered up all reason. It made me think of how I used to be, so I tried to talk to her. I built a level of trust with her, that I wouldn't smash her views right off the bat, but I can still see that she views me as either a victim or the enemy. I'll give you updates if there are any to give.

It's interesting, everyone thinks that they are right, and we all try to convince each other that our view is best. It doesn't seem to change much though, as John Mayer says "Oh, everyone believes in the way it ought to be. Oh everyone believes, and no one's going easily." Yep, that's all for now.

I was listening to the Lines of my Earth by Sixpence None the Richer and it fit my non-blogging mood. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUB1xmZwjf8

"This is the last song that I write
'Til you tell me otherwise.
And it's because I just don't feel it"

I just didn't feel the blogging for a while.

Later people!

Am I Old at Heart?

While doing these blogs, I try to explore different things about how I act and ask myself why I do those things. I ask myself "What is it in me that makes me do that?" This is one of those things that I don't think I've ever written about, but is what I think about a bit.

I act differently than the people around me. I don't enjoy many of the little things that other people around me enjoy. I don't know how to explain it very well, which is half the reason I type these things up, so I can think about it with that last thought on the screen. To explain how I'm different, I don't like the little relationship games that go on; I think it's a diversion, and not very fun at that. I don't really like partying; I think it's a letdown. I don't like things done for show, I think show is a waste of time. The times that I really appreciate being alive, not just glad I'm not dead, but so glad to be living, is when I'm doing something crazy hard and meaningful. My big weakness is music. It's not always so purposeful, but I love it! I also love learning about humanity, by seeing other people's humanity, and by exploring my own.

A good song for this post is by Rise Against, it's "Give it All". 'There's a reason, to give it all"

Rantings About Life

I know it's the 5th of July and thousands of people are talking about patriotism and all, but honestly, that's the last thing I want to talk about. It's been a long week; thank God for the four day weekend.

So I'm going to write some rantings about life (never woulda guessed would ya!) . I've found that no one really cares what you did with your life, they care about how you influenced them. That's not just something like "Oh, he saved the lives of 200 people in Africa by fundraising" or anything, it's something deeper. Sometimes I get irritated with those "We need to feed the world!" people; not at all because I want the world to starve, but because I think everyone misses the point when it's about a number. I don't want to help 400 people, I want to help that person. No one ever laid on their death bed and said "Bring me the award, the one saying I saved all those people" or "Bring me the newspaper that talks about this. Let me see the good I've done." They ask for friends, family or pictures if they're the last to go.

I've done my fair share of good and bad for being 19, but I see faces on both sides, I don't see events. Damn! I just remembered a guy I helped train for search and rescue; I had completely forgotten about him. Just like I was saying, it took a minute to remember what the hell I had done for him, and I can't remember his name, but I remember the guy's face. I'm remembering a ton now... How we set up mock searches, how we taught that class, and that point saying goodbye where he thanked me teaching him and how it influenced him. It's not often that people thank you like that, and it's not often that you work together as a team as well as we did. It seems that we only realize how good something is until it's going or gone. "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone..."

I'm out on my own here, in a new place, with few friends. I'm doing what I'm good at, but not what I love. What do I love? I love music. I LOVE search and rescue. If I could make it a job I would, but I can't. It's the joke among SAR junkies that we're all trying to find a way to do it full time. The best days are spent doing something hard, something meaningful and doing it with people that love it as much as you. It doesn't happen much, or at least it doesn't seem to.

My mind just decided that it is done with this rant, no decision of my own. Oh well.

If there's anybody out there, give me a hollar!

Ciao!

Oh! I almost forgot, here's a song I've been listening to recently. It captures the mood I'm in now. As I'm Leaving by David Gray http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FujxM71Hc3c

Here's What I Am

Since the begining of this crazy spiritual change, I thought the closest thing to what I believed was Agnosticism, but I always thought that meast that there was no was of knowing, which isn't something I agree with. It may be possible to answer these questions with religious of philosophical beliefs, but I just don't know, and until I find some reason to believe, whether it be through intellectual discussions, or something spiritual happening or something else entirely that I can't think if right now, I won't claim alliegence to any belief system but my own opinions on right and wrong. So what am I? According to Wikipedia, I'm a mild Agnostic. Whoever wrote the section on mild Agnosticism wrote my beliefs beautifully. Here's the section:

"Mild agnosticism (also called weak agnosticism, soft agnosticism, open agnosticism, empirical agnosticism, temporal agnosticism)—the view that the existence or nonexistence of God or gods is currently unknown but is not necessarily unknowable, therefore one will withhold judgment until/if more evidence is available."

That's what I am!

Obviously, coming from a very objective Christian backround and then leaving it, relativism has swung around and presented itself like a sledgehammer in the face for me to consider. I don't know on that one, but I've been listening to Jack Johnson's "It's all understood". Interesting song and there's a good video someone made for it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2IpxsSj-NY&feature=related

Alright, peace!

A Short Story

I wanted to discribe something, but I couldn't do it plainly or poeticly, so I wrote a short story. Enjoy!

We were there in a crowded room.
Everyone talking, in conversation about politics or love or the latest gossip. When a young woman walked in, she couldn't have been older than 18. She was quiet, but even the least attent of us could have seen that she was anxious about something. Her eyes darted between people, as if she was looking for someone.  She wasn't too tall, so I offer to help find her friend, but she replied with "Thanks, I'm fine" and continued her search in another direction. Only a bit after this, her search took on what seemed to be a hightened sense of urgency, like she had looked at every face in the room and didn't find who she was looking for. At about this time, she started getting noticed by the crowd People that saw her became distracted from their conversations, and more than one conversation had to be restarted with "I'm sorry, what were you saying?" Noticing this, and apparently not wanting to be noticed, she found a chair at one side of the room and sat down. She continued to anxiously search the room and didn't talk to anyone Now that I had be quietly watching her for about 10 minutes, I wanted to find out what was wrong, to get to the bottom of this. A plan started forming in my mind of how I'd approach her and ask what was wrong or who she was searching for, but a friend started talking to me, and I was distracted for several minutes. A door opened into the cold air outside, and I could swear I got a glimpse of her walk out. When you just barely see things, you don't remember specifics, you just remember emotion. The picture I remember is that she was defeated, her mission for coming that night was a failure.

For some reason, for several days I couldn't keep my ming off of her. Who was this girl who came to our party for such a short time? She said nothing more than an obligatory greeting and an occational "Excuse me" as she pushed through the crowd, but there was something about her... Something I can't quite put my finger on. She was different, and did not come for the same reasons the rest of us did, but because I hesitated to talk to her, I may never find out what she was thinking.

Later that week, as I was talking to several friends who were there, I found it strange that every one of them had noticed her. Some didn't care, some quickly dismissed her as someone they had no business with, and some thought as I did, and wanted to talk to her, but for whatever reason, did not.

A couple weeks later, when she was mostly out of my head, I wound up talking to a friend about this person and he replied that he knew who she was. It ends up she went to the same high school he did, and that she lived an ordinary life, and was planning on going into nursing or something like that. He had bumped into her after the incident, and just gave her an informal greeting; a smile and a "How are you doing" or something like that. She respond in kind and the meeting was over. Nothing seemed wrong.

So I wonder. What was it that night? What was it...
I, as a writer of fiction already know;
and you, as the reader, may never find out.
But I'll leave you with one line, the reason for all the others.
It was the first line I typed when I wrote this, but it's the last line in this story.

"But we just stood there, everyone afraid to move"

A Bit Afraid

This new thing is a bit frightening, I'm unsure of everything and have a knee-jerk reaction to a lot of stuff. I have to remind myself, "You don't have to believe that. What do you think?" I have an ugly feeling I'm making a  huge mistake, but is that God or habit cause I've lived as a Christian all my life? Obviously I can't answer that. I'll give it at least a month.

Listening to Meghan's Song by Matthew Perryman Jones

Part 2 of "This is New!"

Hey! What's up my faithful lack of readers! Last time I posted I said something like "I'm not a Christian" and not much else. Here's the else. This is part of a message I sent to a friend of mine who's been in the same spot; I was asking for advice.

It really started when I was 17, when I started making my faith my own, I quickly got out of the Christian church scene as much as possible, started to listen to music cause I liked it rather than "Christian" value, believed radical stuff about God and didn't care if I was different, but I guess one's spiritually can only change so much at one time and I needed a couple years to adjust. I still held the basic Christian doctrine.

I've had struggles with my faith since I was 17, but recently I looked back on my struggles and realized that I was going in circles with my questions and I couldn't answer them with my faith, even though it was supposed to give me meaning in life. I went to church and was hoping to find that something that was missing, but only realized once again that I was lightyears beyond the canned messages given by the church. It was like the message was an empty shell, with nothing beyond the fancy words.

So I realized it, I was in this faith for the wrong reasons. Either I was hanging onto this faith because of habit or I was too scared to leave. That's not how I'm willing to live, so I've abandoned what I had before and am a little unsure of what to believe at all; believe in a God or not, believe in something like Christianity or something else entirely. I know I'm a strong believer in spirituallity, but I'm really not too sure with much beyond that.

Alright, peace out guys!

Now listening to World Spins Madly On by The Weepies (Terrible band name, good band) 

So this is new!

I'm not a Christian anymore. I'm a... a... I don't know what I am, or quite what I believe, but I'll get back to you on that later. Just thought I should put that in here, since it's kinda a big deal. I'm really scared and uncomfortable and excited about this, but it is what it is.

Listening to Plankeye's "Goodbye" as a farewell to what my faith was.

I'll give you more details later.

Shut up!!!

Stupid thinking too deep. I can't get it out of my head. I've been trying for the past couple days to leave it behind, but I can't do it. It torments me still. To say it in a poetic way: I wish these demons and angels would leave me the hell alone.

I guess this spiritualism is something I'll have to live with, but how the hell I'm supposed to do that I don't know. It goes on and on and on, in the terribly predictable patterns. I see the black and white fade to a grey of no-one-knows-what's-right, and see my efforts to be the light fade as my energy to fight the hate dies. Do I give a fuck anyway? Or is it conditioning of my mind that causes positive action out of habit rather than something like true compassion or love.

I don't know, but fatigue, loud music and this thing in my head, my heart, my soul is getting this rant out of me. Maybe the hardest thing is that this keyboard is my only way of venting right now; I don't have a person I can talk to, or a guitar to say what I mean. Just me and this keyboard.

Maybe being on my own is showing me how artificial it all is; how people treat each other, and I don't see the love anymore. I dunno.

Ok, I'm done ranting.
Task for today: Talk honestly, into what we feel, beyond the politics of what we read.

Should I Give it Up?

I was thinking tonight how much I've thought and how the same questions seem to circle in my mind: What's this life meant to be? Is there a God? Is there a reason beyond what we see? Is the whole of human experience nothing more than a bit of joy, a bit of pain that will blow away lilke smoke as soon as the life ends? Should I be trying to make this world a better place, or is better just something I defined in my own mind? Is there an ultimate truth of right and wrong or is the important thing that I believe something? Is the belief in a right and wrong good, or is bad like John Mayer would suggest in the song Belief? Should I ask these questions or quit? I don't know the answer and I'm not sure what my next step should or will be. Right now it feels like what Peter Bradley Adams says "The longer I run, the less that I find, selling my heart for a nickel and dime, breaking my heart to keep singing these rhymes, I'm losing again"

http://www.myspace.com/peterbradleyadams

That's what's up with me
I don't really think I'll find the answers to any of these questions

Baghdad ER

I watched Baghdad ER tonight. I had seen it before but it's been a long time. War sucks. I see the reason for it, but it's terrible what we as humans do to each other. This is a video of a hospital, where people are being treated for these terrible injuries, where (thank God) 90% of them survive; this isn't even the field. It's madness.

Thinking about this is a strange thing. It's a mix of emotions that are very complex, and nothing seems to make sense. On one hand there's anger for the people that hurt our soldiers, on the other hand I have to ask the question "Are they really so different than us?"; they get killed too. Our soldiers are just Americans, like us, all they really want is to live a good life with their families, but so do many of our enemies. On one hand we would love to see the people who lead this violence die, but on the other hand, to kill them would continue the violence. We'd like to leave places like Iraq and Afghanistan, but who would pay with their lives if we did? So what's the right answer? Maybe a better question would be "Is there a right answer?" I simply can't answer that.

Well... there they are, my thoughts on war.

Baghdad ER can be seen here http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-348783717621633926 I must warn you that it is VERY graphic at times.

I've been listening to Tamacun by Rodrigo y Gabriela http://www.myspace.com/rodrigoygabriela It sounds like what war feels like to me. A frenzied pace, a bit of grief that isn't dwelled upon, and tightly organized. An organized chaos if you will.

Say a prayer for those overseas before you sleep tonight.

Goodnight

Hey! Someone else is thinkin' the same thing

I just wanted to point out a blog post that feels like mine, that I can relate to. I'm gonna leave a nice little comment there. It's by Discover America, one of my all time favorite underground bands.

Here's the post: http://discoveramericamusic.blogspot.com/2008/05/52008.html

And here's the song I'm listening to right now: Sawdust in my Clothes by Discover America http://www.myspace.com/discoveramerica

I'm not sure what this song is talking about (I have a couple ideas), but the mood is great. It's also talking about "Paint fumes in my nose" which is something I relate to, cause I worked as a painter for a while.

One final side note, I have the beginnings to a song/poem going around in my head, I won't say what it's about yet, it's way to incomplete for that.

That's about it.
Later guys

Raise a glass to 3 a.m.

It's my weekend and the week was short, so I'm making full use of it; probably gonna get to sleep fairly soon. For some reason, I just wanted to post something...

HAHAHA! Ok random break: I was was surfing through myspace to get some mood music going, and I bumped into this quote "Firefighters don't die, they just go to hell and regroup." For some reason that struck me as hilarious. Just had to get that out. Ok, end break.

I was reading this blog of a person I like to call an old friend... "I like to call an old friend", I'll have to get back to that. Anyway, she's a very transparent person; in fact, she's a bit of an inspiration to me and this blog. Anyway, she typed up a blog post about how she's changing her life, how she's getting rid of a lot of negativity. Call me messed up, but I was not happy about this; I was sad. From the way she wrote it, it seemed like she was trading her honesty in pain that made her so beautiful for just a scripted line. I'm not in contact with her so much these days, so I can only guess at the outcome.

Something I believe in so strongly is always being true to yourself, even if it's painful and hard to do. I don't believe becoming skilled at shoving your feelings under the carpet is feeling good, just like numbness is not feeling good, it's just an absence. I want to feel good, great, and I want to be awake to the fact that I don't, if I don't. There are plenty of times in life I've gone into auto-pilot and have realized this weeks, sometimes months later, and felt terrible, like I would never be able to experience these things fully, like I should have when I had the time.

"I like to call an old friend" What do I mean by that? I mean that there are some people that make a big impact in our lives, and yet we barely meet them and there are those who we see every day, and yet they don't change us. this girl has been one of those people to me, and I bet she had no idea. Should I tell her? If there's anybody out there? Let me know what you think.

Alright, I'm going to bed (most days I'd be getting up now). Even my Harribo gummy bears (which I swear are laced with crack they're so addictive) can't keep me up. If you read this and found yourself thinking about who you are, let me know. I can't say how much it would mean to me.

Always yours,
Me

Listening to 18 day of February by Lex Price
http://www.myspace.com/lexprice

I'm Back

After a time of having no, or very limited computer access, I'm back. In the next couple of days, or maybe weeks I'll post the backlog of stuff I've made. Look in the Feb-May timeframe to find em'. I'll put them when I wrote them, not when they get to here.

Alrighty, that's it

Currently listening to: It's About Time by Barcelona

MySpace.com/Barcelona

Someone come up with a title

I won’t drown in good dreams
When the bad one’s are reality
Not what you see, but the real me
The real way we see things

Good Christian kids are cryin’… tryin’…
It’s all dyin’
But we keep on lyin’
About how great our lives have become

I’m one of the masses, now disorganized and confused
Who decided not to walk the path
Of sayin’ we realize anything more than you
But shunned is a hard way to live

Cause none of us now realize
That we’re all the rebel and the bad guy
We’re all dressed in the Christian suit
We’re all the wolf or the sheep disguised

We’ve all lied, but we still strive
To jump over the moon, beyond the sky
The older we get, the more we realize
We’ll never get it right

And if it was my last day what would I say?
I’ve earned every wrong that’s come my way
I’ve sent love back reeling in disarray
I don’t deserve this place

But that’s not what’s taught
The negativity can’t be of Christ
But even He screamed out “why?”
Even He died

Big dreams, big money, in a big place upstairs
With a big bright light, and a dream of peace
Is that a doctrine to teach?
Is that anything to me?

Or is it the fear I learned at five?
Just not wanting to burn and die
Cause hell still screws with my mind
I’m still afraid to die

This is a very different style of poetry for me. While I was typing it, I wasn't trying to solve the enigma of life; I was just typing about it. I wasn't asking "why?", just saying "this is". Maybe poets can "get" what I'm trying to say. Anyway, this was inspired by Kendall Payne's song "Lines" http://www.myspace.com/kendallpayne and again by Sarah Jaffe's style of writing.

New Life/Don't Die

Well, I had a couple things on my mind that I just felt like I should get out. It feels like I haven't post for eternity.

First, I know a good number of young people who have unplanned kids recently and I've seen them stressed to no end and I've seen them look 25 when they're only 18. Well, I saw a girl recently (the girlfriend of a guy I know) that had a baby recently she looked 18 (and she is 18). I hope I didn't freak her out because I was watching her and wanted to see her eyes; I wanted to see if there was that change that I'd seen in other people. I finally did see and it wasn't there. I don't know why not, and I won't go into poetic crap acting like I do, but it was an interesting good thing.

It made me think of how people act when teens have kids. It seems that the only thing churchs are very good at is with this is stressing the teens out. Yeah, they're joining the "real" world in a hurry, but there's no good reason to freak them out with the "your kid's gonna be dumb and go to jail statistics". Maybe if we cared enough to help them, those statistics could be history. As always, it's not our place to judge.

The second thing was saying goodbye to my friend. Right as he left, he said a few words very sincerely, in fact I don't think I've ever seen him so sincere in my life. They are (drum role please) "Don't go fuck up and get killed, we don't need a folded flag". It seems small, but how he said it, it meant he really cared... a lot. I said (equally sincere) something like "I'll keep that in mind". Just a short exchange that I can't explain any better.

Well, I'll leave you with a nicer thought. Someone put this online (probably illegaly). It's a pretty comforting song.
Mansions by Burlap to Cashmere
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvXYW-mTVXg&feature=related

A Song (not mine) and a Poem (mine)

I stumbled upon this guy on myspace music and really thought the lyrics of Feeling Like Winter struck a bell.

http://www.myspace.com/matthewwolin

I also came up with this little poem.

We’ve got bank accounts and IRAs
And every convenience of the modern day
But I think what we really need
Is a place to sleep by a murmuring stream
And when we wake a guitar by our side
Sing a song called “I’m alive”
Yeah this is the good life!
This is the good life!
It’s heaven
Yeah, heaven
The good life

That's all,
Peace

How much was wasted?

I will be leaving home to start my life in less than a month, and it kills to think of the time that's gone. I'm arranging plans to see good friends for the last time and I think of how much will never happen; all those big dreams we had about working out together everyday, the dozens of cheezy CDs we'd produce... all gone.

I guess it should be a time of joy, of starting my life, but it just seems like I'm leaving everything I know for a lot of work and pain. I'm scared to death of doing this and I almost prefer to not see my friends because it pains me close to tears. There have been people that have grown to be better people at about the same rate I have and we've "grown up" together for the last few years, but knowing that person is over; there's only a goodbye left and we're both just memories.

Well, I guess I'm done. I'm gonna miss you guys, but I'm just so lousy at keeping in touch, it'll probably end here.

Listening to: Slow Southern Home by Doug Burr