A Prayer

This will be my prayer
It will not be poetic
So God, here goes
This isn’t how it’s meant to be. I shouldn’t be staying up till two every night cause I don’t know why I should get up tomorrow. I try to answer that question every single night; I don’t think I’ve done it. Honestly, I’m scared that I’ll grow old and die still asking the question “why am I alive” and “why should I get up today”. I don’t see a reason to it. Some things seem to satisfy me, but they are so few and far between. So God, what is it you want me to be? What should I do? How should I live tomorrow? Why did you give me breath to breath? WHY? Everything that gave me meaning has seemed to fade away. I feel like I’ve lost time, like my life was meant to be more, but it’s gone. It seems that there is time that I had the chance to do something with and it just disappeared. It was gone. God, please give me something more than this, cause just surviving is terrible, it’s awful. It reminds me of Augustana “You’ll kill yourself to find anything at all”. This is killing me, well, my sleep at least. It’s 2:20 and I know tomorrow I’ll wake up way too late. This is killing me. This isn’t my most desperate hour, but if this goes on much longer, I don’t know what will be able to wake me up. It’s like I’m asleep, the days go by in some sort of bizarre haze. I grow colder and crueler every day. Help… please. Like I’ve said a hundred times before, I’ve never needed you more than now.

I almost didn't put this one up here, and actually it's a few days old. I just couldn't do it at the time I typed it, but I felt that I sort of gave you, the reader, some sort of pledge. Something saying "I will show you an honest view of me, even if you never know my name" (I'll admit, I've kept a few private so you won't find my name, but for no other reason). I'll be posting a new one in a couple of minutes, and that doesn't mean I had some great blast of thinking, it's just that this one was delayed a bit.