My Thoughts-"Searching/Paper"

I suppose I should write this since I’m not writing my paper. Maybe this will help me get out what needs to get out so I can concentrate on what I should. I’m searching for something. I have no idea what and I have no method for finding it, but I am searching.

I’ve been reading short stories. Most of the authors have no talent; they simply write the same shallow stuff that all of us know so well, nothing interesting. Others try too hard, they try to put more into a situation than there is, or badly explain what is not so easy to see. Only one so far has seemed to have gotten it with “Drive North” (I want to say that’s what it is).

The characters are few, only two that you get to know well, but you get to know them very well. One is obviously the “bad” character and the other is “good” but the bad guy is not evil. His actions are bad, but he takes no delight in them, only apathy. The good character is running and hiding from her bad father. She has a simple, desperate desire to be free and alive. Maybe the point of the story is that both of them want the same thing, but the bad guy has given up, and the good girl is losing her chance.

Maybe I like the honesty of what happens. Sure, mob murder is not something most of us will never have to deal with, but the fact is that life is unfair and something we fall slowly (like Ed, the bad guy, in the story). Sometimes we can’t win; sometimes the struggle is useless. And our failures don’t kill us, they simply make us not care; maybe an automatic response to the pain. And even though everyone’s trying to tell me that it’s wrong to be apathetic, I don’t think the choice is always ours to make.

Sometimes I want to just let Thousand Foot Krutch play again, to get this out of my head for a bit, but I feel like I’m denying who I am. I don’t want to write this paper, but it’s because it simply isn’t me. I don’t really care about the issue, nor do I have some terrible need to succeed and get my high school diploma.

I just want to go home, wherever and whatever that is. I want something I can hold. Someplace where living is not a forced activity; heaven perhaps? David Gray comes to mind “Sail away with me, what will be will be, I want to hold you now, now”