Getting Older, Getting Faker

I've realized that recently, even though I've been going through a ton of change, I've been less prone to think too deeply about things.

Maybe I've worked things out in my head so I don't ask the questions, but I know that's not really true. Maybe I've learned to accept certain things as impossible to determine so I leave them alone; that's not true either. The better answer is probably that I just don't care anymore. I'm just the fat kid with a bowl of ice cream, eating it because it tastes good, unconcerned about the consequences in the future.

I can't lie, I'm doing ok, maybe even good from time to time, but I have grown older and as much as I don't miss the pain of youth, I'm starting to miss the fire. I used to think in terms of best and worst, if not for practical purposes, at least as a stone on which to build, but now everything is in practical terms; no real innovation. Or to use an analogy, I know I'll never be a marathon runner so now I just shuffle my feet.

As much as this feels better, it feels colder. Like the whole world has taught me to be happy and healthy but has forgotten that there's a man beneath this skin. A man who wants to experience love and compassion stronger than most will ever see. I tasted it once and it's driven me mad ever since. I know I'm supposed to move past this, to accept the plastic relationships and mechanical sex as perfection, but I know I'll regret it forever if I do.

All the thanks in the world to Jenn Wasner of Wye Oak for making me remember what it is to long for something. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5B4KS7GP9A

72

72... 72 minutes... 72 FUCKING MINUTES, and that's it. I watch 72 minutes of Fight Club (yep, never seen it) and my computer says "No more! You pay now!" I'd be happy to go pay a company that I recognize (anyone hear of a failing movie renting company?), 'cept that's not allowed in this country; no copyright laws.

Sidebar: Damn, that probably isn't great for trying to be a penguin in the crowd... whatever.

Anyway, that's probably a bad place to leave that movie. If you get to that point and just leave, you have an urge to be an asshole and punch something, which my brain reminds me is a really bad idea. However (I love that word "however", it's a cop-out for screaming grammatical errors) Anyway, as I was saying: However, as I was watching this movie from my bed with the blanket that matches my furniture and the pillowcase and sheets that match my chair cushions, I couldn't help but realize the stupidity of my day-to-day existence.

I've been bored with mere existence before, this is nothing new, just a new reminder. I've pushed the limits for a rush, been drunk every day in a week, lost friends to similar things, and leveled the fuck out. Now what do I do? I go places and take pictures or something like that; try to do something passively through a lens or listening or something, and I'm never satisfied.

I've got to get out. Got to live and experience in the now. Got to get out of my routine. I've got to do it soon...

Plan: Tomorrow, after work, I'm getting out. Out of my home, out of my comfort zone, without a plan. See where the spirals take me!

Listening to Lateralus by Tool

Feeling Less

So how do I explain this? An absence; a lack of something. I feel very little...

Why bother, it's all been said before; I'm depressed.

I guess I've known it for a long while, but I just hate using that word "depressed". Maybe because it has a stigma, it screams that I don't work hard, I don't care for myself or others, or I'm not active or whatever. It's just not true. I'm consistently recognized for my good work, I'm in better shape than I've ever been in my life, I'm in a band and socialize reasonably well (well, not that good, but it's good for me), I just feel pointless and bored.

I'm 23 in a few days, what can I even say? I have no plans for my birthday. No party or friends over or cake or even a good dinner. Why should I? I won't feel a damn thing. I played video games with a girl the other day and while she got excited about the game and hanging out, I FELT NOTHING! Just a little awkward like the one guy who's not crying at a B rate drama.

Like I said before, this is a classic symptom of depression, but I don't know what to do about it. Guess I'll try to "keep on existing in the now" as Eyedea would say. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9-eKhCukW8

Later yall

Prone to Wander

There you are
20 something
High school's been gone a while
But part of you never could go

Friends are getting married
Buying houses, settling down
You've got your car,
And a part time job in this town

So don't say to me
You're doing fine and have never been better
Your feet aren't prone to wander
And I've never been prone to believe you

So see what you see
Live all your dreams
But part of it feels hollow
And you don't know what to do

So don't say to me
You're doing fine and have never been better
Your feet aren't prone to wander
And I've never been prone to believe you

I know what they say
You'll find your place someday
But right now it doesn't seem that way
And I know I can't convince you

So don't say to me
You're doing fine and have never been better
Your feet aren't prone to wander
And I've never been prone to believe you

I got off a long Skype call with a friend I haven't talked to in a long time. She had her kids around her and her life is well on the way to how a life should be. I guess it's in my genes and I'm ready to settle down and raise a family, but it's just not there. I wrote this from the perspective of someone outside looking in, maybe because I'm a little embarrassed that it's about me. "Please Speak Well of Me" by The Weepies inspired the flow and some little lyrical things.

Do I?

Everything has a place where it's meant to be, but it's hard to say when it comes to me
Season's turn, water churns, days fly by faster than the leaves falling from the trees

Do I believe what I believe?
Do I trust what I see?
Do I believe anything?

Feel my heart inside my chest, feel water on my face, feel refreshed
Faces never stay the same, but some things never change, much like today

Do I believe what I believe?
Do I trust what I see?
Do I believe anything?

Falling water from the sky lifts me up to new highs, I never smile in sunny weather
I never write a happy letter, I never lie, I can't decide

Do I believe what I believe?
Do I trust what I see?
Do I believe anything?

When right and wrong is a tower made of glass, to be smashed, with its pieces on the floor
When my song is a weak attempt to say, I was wrong, and it never really mattered

Do I believe what I believe?
Do I trust what I see?
Do I believe anything?


I was listening to Season's Trees off of Rome by Danger Mouse and Daniele Luppi, sung by Norah Jones when I started to write this. It's fairly vague and touches a few subjects. It was more driven by the music and the brooding sound than any particular thought at the time. Regardless, I don't mind how it turned out.

Let it Grow Shallow

I'm so weak, but you're so fragile.
So I won't drop my disorientation on you
Confusing to understand, reasonable to the line
Never mind, not useful
Not to me
Not to you
Especially not to you
You're recovering
I'm spinning, drunk in reason
Lay it on, thick butter on bread
No, I won't, I won't, I won't
It's all I want to do
But you're fragile, so fragile
fragile, so so fragile
You're fragile, fragile
And discipline is all I know
So I can't lay it on you
My very best friend
Always in my mind
But our friendship must grow shallow
As you get sober, and I get madder

Say goodbye, let it grow shallow!
Say goodbye, let it grow shallow!
Say goodbye, let it grow shallow!
Say goodbye, let it grow shallow!

Holy crap! I forgot about that one though my computer says I typed it last month. I REALLY want to make this into a song. Basically, this is about my best friend, who's getting her life back together after a lot of drunkenness. She's in a very fragile state right now, and a close relationship with her from me is probably not the healthiest thing for her. She's my best friend so what can I do? Her well being is the only thing that could make me avoid a relationship with her, so I'll let it grow shallow.

Who ever needed a title anyway

2011 has not been kind. It's mostly been work, a lot of work, with dull areas in between. I don't like my job, but I really don't like being idle, so I want to work to make the end of the day come faster, but I don't like the end of the day because that means the next day is closer, and yet again, more work. The cycle is terrible, and there's very little of it to give it value. Even these precious moments are quickly forgotten in the stress of work... then it continues.

I'm 22. I know this is the time to be living or something stupid and cliche like that, but I'm just wasting the year, and I have no control of my position. Even worse, I think if I did "have control", I wouldn't be able to pull out of this death spiral.

Sorry for diving into this misery again, but there's not much else to say. Maybe there's a reason my best friend can't get too close.