Far Beyond

A little thunder in the evening
A little rain to wake you in the morning.
See a thing so simple, a thing so pure
And be happy darling

Fly beyond your toil my dear
Far beyond it all

A breath of cool air in the evening
To dry the sweat from you skin
All your work is done for the day
Be satisfied in what what is done

Fly beyond your toil my dear
Far beyond it all

Let's sit on the porch and keep the conversation slow
Have a glass for the day
Forget the rest, no worries, no fear
The evening rain is here

Fly beyond your toil my dear
Far beyond it all

This song was interesting for me to write, though the lyrics aren't the best I've done. First of all, much of my music is very soothing, while my lyrics tend to be pretty intense. I've found that the two are nearly impossible to mesh, so I can't make the music work. This song was a thought out attempt to get some words I could work with. It's not the greatest way to write and this will probably not even make the final cut to an EP (which I hope to produce sometime in the next 5 years or so), but I figure it's a worthwhile placeholder for some better lyrics.

This song was inspired by Ireland, my Bouzouki and "Little Laughter" by Acoustic Alchemy.

Someone Called it Relapse

I'm losing ground again
Falling by the wayside
Falling, stumbling, losing ground
Washing away like a worn down stone
Washing into the oblivion of the sea
See? Can you see me?
Losing ground
Giving blood
Falling away
Drifting away
Like the dust picked up from a barren plain
And carried far, far away
Carried till the end of time
Washed into the sea
Losing ground
Tripping, falling
Falling
Falling
Sliding
Losing ground
Giving up
Going back
Going home
To shelter
To safety
To misery

I found this one in my poetry folder and was a little surprised by it. My computer is telling me I wrote it on December 27, but I can't remember exactly why or what mood I was in (bad, I'm guessing). I really do like how this one flows and the point of it. It may be the basis for more work later.

Drunken Rant About Religion

So, I'll put the explanation on top for this one. I just found a backlog of stuff that I was too lazy to put on here when I wrote it, and some of it is good. The rest is at least somewhat significant; something that should be remembered. At least it should be remembered by me.

Being drunk is fun, I recommend it from time to time. Being drunk and pissed off is not so fun, but it does allow things to come out when you wouldn't be willing to say it otherwise. I'm not particularly proud of the following lines, but it did help me realize why I was so angry at religion, so here goes.

9:47
10:07
What's the fucking difference?
Why do I pretend I'm still my parents' son
or my sister's brother
Reeling in the dark with another beer
Another, another again

You fucking freak!
I'm me
Only me
decide if you like me
Yes. Lie to me you fucker!
A master of lies, religion
say anything that will make me walk in your ambush

I'm a fucking disaster walking and you know it
A motherfucker, but that's not the language you use
It's what I use
Forget what they say you are
Cause you may not like the answer if you look at yourself
You know that you say
So you forget the question
Forget the answer
Walk away, it's all good
Lies aren't too bad
Just a fucking blasphemy of your God-damn religion

Forget me, it's easier
Forget me for being me
For being different
You motherfucker
Why can't you fucking disown me so I can live free
Fuck you

In this drunken state, no one should listen to whaT I say
Except for those who want to hear, to listen to... to...
To understand, you fucker
Hahaha! Laugh at me for the balls that you don't have
Laugh cause you'd fucking never say any of these fucking words
You'd lie, at least I keep that fucking commandment, you fuck!

Lie again, lie again... you fuck
Wage a war
Spill my blood
Pour your gold
sell your morality
I'll drink to the morning just to piss you off
You fuck! You fuck!

I'm free till I die
Then I'm free when I die
Try to judge me
Try to contain me

Drunk
Fuck
Fuck
Not like you
Fuck you
Fuck me
Let's make another disaster for god to frown upon
And let me laugh while you pray, thinking you're redeemed

A Memory Forgotten

It's been a while since I did this. Half poetry, mostly not, lines, few rhymes; meaning.

I've seen beauty when I was 16
Turn to ugly when I'm 22
And dreams at 15 turn to demons at 19
So what is stable and what is not
Is it worth a try at a definition?
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and the beauty lasts a day
And the beholder lasts a lifetime

I can't even see an instant
Can't see the trees for the forest
Or a raindrop for the pouring, pouring rain
Time stretches on for years
In every direction but here
Right now is a void
Bordered by shining lights and barbed wire fences
Both places that aren't reality
I maintain the norm forever, the forever me
A solid ash, in a city of oaks
Trying to grow tall and feel the sunshine on my leaves

I grow silently and no one sees me
They think I'm the budding seed I was at 16
But I'm scarred and battered
I survived the storm when the oaks branches split above my humble stump
I didn't burn when the forest went up in flames
And I haven't been spared like you
So no, no, no you don't know me anymore
And you really don't want this close to you
Let me retreat before you think I could be the one
And let me speak a bit of wisdom before I go

A philosopher and a sage is all I am
Lonely from town to town
A traveling preacher with no flock to save
No money to make
There will be no pearls at my gate
But a piece of steel I forged
And my fence will stand when yours crashes to the ground

Reality, worth maintaining?
Well maybe, maybe not, but I choose to believe so
I build my gate from steel, but what does it defend me from?
What do your pearls give you?
Only the dead can answer that

A hell of a day
I'll walk into eternity and on to obscurity
When a stranger mumbles my name in a graveyard and walks on
It'll be unreadable eventually
And it's all gone again
A memory forgotten

I was listening to "The Truth" by Handsome Boy Modeling School when I wrote most of this. I also made an audio recording of it which I actually like, which is really strange. I usually hate to hear my own voice. I'm glad I've been getting back into the normal groove of semi-poetry and more straightforward talking. I've got more to say, and I'd really like to say it tonight, but I have to be up early, so I'll just be off to bed. Goodnight!

Shit happens all the time...

Thanks to Jon Lajoie for inspiring this post with the line:

"Shit happens all the time and you learn how to deal with it, regular, everyday, normal fucking bullshit!" -Everyday Regular Normal Guy II by Jon Lajoie

So I was looking through this blog and realized that it had become very much a collection of poetry. This isn't a bad thing per-se, I'm happy that I've been able to produce enough song-quality poetry so I have something to work with when I start messing around on an instrument (it's a bouzouki right now, but that's a different story), but that's not why this blog exists. It exists so that I can submit my thoughts to the world, and poetry is not the only way to do that.

So back to Everyday Regular Normal Guy II. I've been a just a bit down lately, not a lot, but enough to irritate me. I've been thinking about it quite a bit, and I couldn't quite put my finger on what was bringing me down until I heard that line. That's it, it's normal fucking bullshit that has me down. I'm away from family and friends for the holidays and I don't like it. I'm in a new place and I don't know anyone, it fucking blows. It's not huge philosophical reasoning that has me down, it's the everyday, normal fucking grind of life.

I also realized that my coping mechanisms have improved dramatically in the last 3 years. It's like the song says: "We learn how to deal with it". This will be my third Christmas away from home. The first one ripped me up pretty badly, the last one was pretty cool, but I had to make a major effort to get it to not suck, and this one? Well, I'm not there yet, so I don't know how I'll deal with it, but I have a pretty strong feeling I'll be ok. It won't be the best day of the year for me, that's for sure, but I'll have a couple beers, pass out, and get on with life on December 26.

I guess I don't have that much else to say. I've mostly figured out that I'm not going to find real answers to the hard questions I have, not even answers that will satisfy me, and I'm mostly ok with that. Chances are, there aren't real answers anyway and it's a waste of time thinking too much about it.

So here I am; not that special. Just learning to deal with everyday, normal fucking bullshit.

Complete fucking sidebar... I just realized I quoted Buffy the Vampire Slayer on this blog like 2 years ago and didn't even know it, FML.

9 In the Morning

It's nine A.M. where you are
And I know you're still asleep
Hungover and happy
So I won't call now

It's seven thousand miles to where you are
And I remind myself it's crazy
These thoughts I still entertain
But you captivated me

Maybe we could of, should of
Been more
Maybe we could of, should of
Been together, you and me

To live so carefully, so kindly
Maybe the best thing I can respect
And faithfully told me no
Along with the rest

To live so honestly, so freely
Maybe the one thing I had to offer
I'll write you this song
And let you be

Maybe we could of, should of
Been more
Maybe we could of, should of
Been together, you and me

Maybe we could of
Maybe we could of
I think we should have
Been together... you and me

I don't call you
It's nine in the morning
And you're still hungover
And I'm still 7,000 miles away

This is about me and a good friend. We had mutual feelings for each other, but she was in a relationship at the time. She wouldn't leave him for me, because she didn't think it was right, and I wouldn't press her, for the same reason. As it ends up, I moved 7,000 miles away and she's still there. I know the chances of our living in the same area again are slim, so I don't want her to wait for me if this last relationship doesn't work out. On the same token, I don't regret a moment I spent with her. We had, have, a great friendship and that short time we were together as friends is not a memory to be thrown away lightly.

I was listening to Brighter Than Sunshine by Aqualung and Passenger Seat by Death Cab for Cutie when I wrote this.

I made a mistake when I wrote the song, it was actually noon where she was, and she was probably awake, but now I'm so tired and reflective that I need to go to bed. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

The Needless Sacrifice

You almost convinced me
I almost believed it
But faithlessly I reject it
I will suffer for my crimes

I came to the edge of water
To pretend to pass my sorrow
But this is my chance to amplify
I will suffer for my crimes

Tell me it's alright
Tell me time heals it
Tell me your lies
I'll bury my knife in my own side

And I will pay for this
Don't you dare, the burden is mine
I will pay for you too
The eternal sacrifice

I will pay for all of it
The needless sacrifice
I'll bleed for all our sins
I'll break for all the crimes
The burden is mine
The eternal blasphemy
Of the blood of Christ

The burden is mine
I'll pay for my crimes!

These debts aren't forgiven
I must still do my time
The sentence is a lifetime
Forgive me when I die

The burden is a lifetime
Forgive me while you watch me die

I wrote this song while listening to “Vicarious” by Tool. It is about, and for, all who blame themselves for things that have already been forgiven, and perhaps even forgotten. What may become the key phrase in the song is: “The eternal blasphemy of the blood of Christ”. While it's primarily a symbol of forgiveness that is not accepted, it is also aimed at Christians, who's belief should do nothing but allow them to forgive themselves. Specifically, that section is there for my dad, who is a steadfast Christian and deals with more self-hate than any non-suicidal person I know.