A Conversation With God

I’m not good enough, I’m deep in sin, they all say
They’re fools, I choose you that way
I haven’t changed, still addiction crazed
Did you think I didn’t see that when I first came your way?
I’m one to condemn, and righteously so
I love you more than you’ll ever know
Can I hear You say “I still love you this way”?
Yes, always, I love you that way
Sweet Jesus now I know, You never, ever let me go
Dear child, you know, I never, EVER let you go

My Own War

A distant battle to them
Like thunder in the breeze
I wish they could see
This is real to me

Alive

You've never felt so bad before
But you have no idea why
You've got everything, still you're doubting
You feel guilty for wasted time

You cry out begging for forgiveness
And secretly wonder if He's there
Apathy takes over
Existence continues

Is there anything here?
But politics and lies
I don't want another sermon
I want to feel alive

You wake up half past seven
Hit the snooze a second time
Hope to God the day goes quickly
So you can rest another night

You're fearful of your every heartbeat
And wonder what happens when you die
Sleep can't take over
You cry through the night

Is there anything to this?
Is our "faith" a lie
I can't bear another lesson
I just need to feel alive

He proved the failure with a leap
A leap, a cut, a drug
They said he was a sinner
One of "them", he never knew
You may pity this man
But can you say he isn't you?

Rebellion

I can’t trust you to define me
To tell me what it is to succeed
Because last time I did that
It was almost the end of me

I know you don’t understand me
I suppose it’s the way it has to be
My actions will not please you
I’m not who you wanted me to be

And I’ll pray to God we understand
That I can’t live to please you

Another failure in your eyes
Leaves a shiver down my spine
Because last time I felt that
I almost took my life

I’ve changed the way I look at life
You’re such a smaller part
I’m sorry you’ll never read this
To understand my heart

And I’ll pray to God we understand
That I can’t live to please you

I pray to God to give me strength
To never live to please you

First Rap (White Boy Style, Enjoy :-)

This is rap, never happened be-fore, rhymes don’t fall off my lips like someone who’s worth more, than a sit in my room never let the world see kinda guy, since I guess I’m now an MC gotta put it in my rhyme, nothing to say to do to feel to break it though the absence of any sense just try to make it through, a life and a night and crappy paper write word cite never gonna get it right, C no D average maybe gotta get a A to make the F a D a C and survive college life, I’m out of rhymes, nothing more to say tonight, hope to God that tomorrow I get it right, one thing to say before I turn out the light for tonight goodnight.

Wide eyed and terrified

I see their faces
Kosovo, Rwanda, Dafur
I see their eyes
Wide eyed and terrified

In the strongest man
Losing his love, his life
A man like me
Wide eyed and terrified

An honest man
To a ghost of a man
This generation
Wide eyed and terrified

He will survive
It’s so cliché
But he’s not alive
Is he wide eyed and terrified?

Or just gone
What does he think in the dark?
Dreams like mine?
Is he wide eyed and terrified?

My Thoughts-"Searching/Paper"

I suppose I should write this since I’m not writing my paper. Maybe this will help me get out what needs to get out so I can concentrate on what I should. I’m searching for something. I have no idea what and I have no method for finding it, but I am searching.

I’ve been reading short stories. Most of the authors have no talent; they simply write the same shallow stuff that all of us know so well, nothing interesting. Others try too hard, they try to put more into a situation than there is, or badly explain what is not so easy to see. Only one so far has seemed to have gotten it with “Drive North” (I want to say that’s what it is).

The characters are few, only two that you get to know well, but you get to know them very well. One is obviously the “bad” character and the other is “good” but the bad guy is not evil. His actions are bad, but he takes no delight in them, only apathy. The good character is running and hiding from her bad father. She has a simple, desperate desire to be free and alive. Maybe the point of the story is that both of them want the same thing, but the bad guy has given up, and the good girl is losing her chance.

Maybe I like the honesty of what happens. Sure, mob murder is not something most of us will never have to deal with, but the fact is that life is unfair and something we fall slowly (like Ed, the bad guy, in the story). Sometimes we can’t win; sometimes the struggle is useless. And our failures don’t kill us, they simply make us not care; maybe an automatic response to the pain. And even though everyone’s trying to tell me that it’s wrong to be apathetic, I don’t think the choice is always ours to make.

Sometimes I want to just let Thousand Foot Krutch play again, to get this out of my head for a bit, but I feel like I’m denying who I am. I don’t want to write this paper, but it’s because it simply isn’t me. I don’t really care about the issue, nor do I have some terrible need to succeed and get my high school diploma.

I just want to go home, wherever and whatever that is. I want something I can hold. Someplace where living is not a forced activity; heaven perhaps? David Gray comes to mind “Sail away with me, what will be will be, I want to hold you now, now”