My Thoughts-"Searching/Paper"

I suppose I should write this since I’m not writing my paper. Maybe this will help me get out what needs to get out so I can concentrate on what I should. I’m searching for something. I have no idea what and I have no method for finding it, but I am searching.

I’ve been reading short stories. Most of the authors have no talent; they simply write the same shallow stuff that all of us know so well, nothing interesting. Others try too hard, they try to put more into a situation than there is, or badly explain what is not so easy to see. Only one so far has seemed to have gotten it with “Drive North” (I want to say that’s what it is).

The characters are few, only two that you get to know well, but you get to know them very well. One is obviously the “bad” character and the other is “good” but the bad guy is not evil. His actions are bad, but he takes no delight in them, only apathy. The good character is running and hiding from her bad father. She has a simple, desperate desire to be free and alive. Maybe the point of the story is that both of them want the same thing, but the bad guy has given up, and the good girl is losing her chance.

Maybe I like the honesty of what happens. Sure, mob murder is not something most of us will never have to deal with, but the fact is that life is unfair and something we fall slowly (like Ed, the bad guy, in the story). Sometimes we can’t win; sometimes the struggle is useless. And our failures don’t kill us, they simply make us not care; maybe an automatic response to the pain. And even though everyone’s trying to tell me that it’s wrong to be apathetic, I don’t think the choice is always ours to make.

Sometimes I want to just let Thousand Foot Krutch play again, to get this out of my head for a bit, but I feel like I’m denying who I am. I don’t want to write this paper, but it’s because it simply isn’t me. I don’t really care about the issue, nor do I have some terrible need to succeed and get my high school diploma.

I just want to go home, wherever and whatever that is. I want something I can hold. Someplace where living is not a forced activity; heaven perhaps? David Gray comes to mind “Sail away with me, what will be will be, I want to hold you now, now”

Tired of Life

God I can’t see a reason behind this one
I just don’t, don’t know why
It’s not too hard, there’s just no use
I don’t want to die but I see no reason to live
Is this a decision?

I’m just your average guy
There’s no, no reason or rhyme
Nothing to be accomplished, nothing but survive
No end, no purpose, getting behind
Am I alive?

Will I die?

The Rich

The richest kid in the neighborhood
Got the stuff, but the money is a curse
You’re ridiculed for being weak, cause you’ve got every chance to succeed
I know you know what I mean
Is it easier when you can fail and no one will criticize everything?

And should tomorrow be the end?
No, don’t think like that, it’s wrong, it’s a sin

Sunday, the day of rest, the day of the devil
Cause we’ve got the time to hear each other whine
And the message is lost in the belief that I’m the holiest man alive
Everyone else is wrong in public, and I won’t ask what you think before you sleep
And there no such thing as a good Christian family

Tell me honest
Should tomorrow be the end?
Don’t think like that, it’s wrong, it’s a sin

I dream that God was made to keep us in line
Don’t touch the girls, don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t swear
Religion is the tool of dictators, small and large, to cause action by fear
Honestly, I’m sick of fear
Leave me alone, I’ll make religion my own

But I fear that I’m wrong
And I ask myself
Should tomorrow be the end?
No! Don’t think like that, it’s wrong, it’s a sin

And I’m the richest kid, I struggle to stay alive or make something die
I don’t want to be poor, but I’m tired of being rich
Cause everyone in middle-class America lives blind
In a screwed up world of no sacrifice

We don’t say it
But we think it
Should tomorrow be the end?
Don’t think like that
Don’t think like that
Don’t think like that

I Hope

I just want to feel… ok
I just don’t want to feel this way
How? You ask
Not home. I say
I’ve never been there
Never felt how I know I should
There’s more, I’ve heard in a thousand stories
There’s a place called home
Where your family is always your biggest fan
And you can tell your friends the world and…
There’s no reason for them not to tell
And the darker secrets of one’s life
Need not hold you in fear
And in death could I find my home?
Could I find a place…
Could I find it?
Where you don’t see
All the ways I’ve marred me
I don’t really believe
I dare to hope is all
I hope
God
If you’re real
I think you should know
I hope

Ordinary

That word; does it describe me? If someone could really see all of me would they use that to describe me? Who am I… I go to school, I slack with my homework, I whine, I complain, I cuss, I like music. 18 year old guy to a tee; generic. I define us, all of us 18 year old guys; I just don’t do the retarded crap that is so popular. What’s different is that I’m intensely religious. I don’t act like it, is it a burden? I think it’s crap; at least what’s taught. I wish I could have the balls, the mind, the power to change it… but I don’t. We will continue to talk together in these encryptions that we can’t understand. No language can explain this, only action, but words are cheap and easy to sell. Another day of preaching life that people will never choose. Poverty, pain, struggles, hours days and years, no, a lifetime, and with a bloody or lonely death; we wouldn’t choose that until we see that our account has been filled somehow. To sacrifice; no, we wouldn’t. But it’s me too. We’re far from ok, far from what we should be; we’re glorified ordinary. But can we just be ordinary? No, but what sets us apart should not be my beliefs shooting down yours, or my moral standards being higher than the other guy’s. But that’s what defines us, maybe not me, or maybe at least I’m disgusted that it does. So I’m as arrogant an ass (forgive my French) as everyone else. Can I break into normal; just showing people how they may become what they’d rather be. No

Fishhook

The salesman, the politician
The lie of something better
The dream of something real
They succeed only to kill
They play the blame game only to get to the top
We swallowed it sinker, hook and line
We’ve greased the way
We’ll die in this place
My heart and mind swim free
But soon enough they’ll catch me
So my friend, learn from me
What I believe
If dieing for an enemy is gain
We can endure any pain
And if hurting an enemy is death
They’ve got no argument left
(Pause and think my friend
Think of where we could have been)
…
They’ll catch me soon
Don’t bite it too

My Thoughts-"Losing Sight of God"

I’ve lost sight of god

I’m tired of telling people that most doctrine is so Petty.

I’m tired of people blowing me off whenever I say “Love has got to be #1”, by saying “yeah, but we have to remember Christ dying on the cross” My point is lets agree to love our neighbor and we don’t really need to know exactly what spiritual things happened when Christ died.

I’m sick and tired of the church where no one has the balls, or the means, to stand up and say “When you do this for the least of these, you have done it for me”

I would leave the church, except that I have friends there

Christians are the most closed-minded people because they think they know everything.

It doesn’t matter what you know, It’s how you use that information

I’m sick of evangelism, It’s such CC (Christian crap). Evangelism is a political campaign for Christ, it’s the politics of don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t be friends with gays, adulterers, people who have an abortion (You’ll be in danger of burning with them in hell), don’t vote democrat ect. Don’t worry about getting people saved, understand what God gave you and love your neighbor. You will naturally tell people about what you believe, that sure beats memorizing BS.