"It's been a tough year. You say that life ain't fair
Well, guess what, baby...life ain't. Thems the breaks
You say that life ain't worth it. But it is. You gotta work it
Nobody's life is perfect" - Sage Francis
Last post I promised more and here it is. I was embarrassed to talk about this, just like I was embarrassed to speak honestly in the first place, but this is my tool to keep me sane, and after the total insanity has ended, I need to reflect.
Damn! Where should I begin? I guess I'll start earlier than when I entered the picture; this isn't my story, I just play a supporting character.
There was a girl, we'll call her Sarah. Sarah grew up in a lousy situation, her mom always chose losers, and one particular loser decided that her mom wasn't enough for him, and he wanted Sarah too. He molested her off and on for 2 years; it started when she was 8. Sarah couldn't cope with this, she has reoccurring nightmares about it (she's 22 now), it made her feel worthless. Somewhere along the line she tried to kill herself. I don't know when; I don't ask. Sarah may have had a chance at a somewhat sane life, she was recovering to a degree, a small degree, but it was something, but she met this guy, we'll call him John. John was also a loser, he gave Sarah painkillers which numbed out the feelings she had about herself. It won her love and they got married. It was doomed to fail from the beginning. He ran out of money, but she was still hooked on painkillers, they argued and he would hit her. I saw the bruises myself. Her mom got sick and she started to dance at a strip club to pay for the drugs and for her mom's medical care. This is where I enter the picture.
I was lonely, about to go on a long trip. I just wanted to enjoy myself, and have a bit of companionship for a couple hours, even if it was fake. The strip club was dead that night, so it was easy to get Sarah's attention, she was the prettiest girl there. I bought a few lap dances and then Sarah and I started to talk. She looked worried, so I asked her what was the matter. She evaded the question for a bit, but eventually told me she hadn't paid the electric bill and her mom's medical equipment would go dead if it wasn't paid tomorrow. I paid the bill for her. She told me her real name.
I promised to come visit her when I got back from my trip, and I did just that. I started supporting her, and we started going out. It was great for a while. I didn't know about the drugs and I was too blind to see the signs. I thought it was built up medical bills that took the money and had her so worried. When my money ran out, she had a partial, forced withdrawal. She started to act irrationally. We argued, she threatened to leave me and never call me again. It crushed me. I finally broke up with her, I would be there as a friend, but I couldn't be her lover anymore.
In the next few weeks and months, her life came off the tracks. Eventually, she moved in with this guy, we'll call him Sam. Sam was a decent guy, he was giving her a room because he thought she had nowhere else to go. Sarah stole from Sam to pay for her drugs, to make up for the withdrawal she got when I ran out of money. Sam found out and was furious, but he loved Sarah, so he gave her an ultimatum: Go to rehab, or go to prison. She chose rehab.
Sam called me, he told me everything. I was determined to try to help Sarah through this, regardless of the breakup, I was still in love with her. Sarah had to wait 2 weeks to get a bed at detox. She would spend time with me and Sam and her mom. We kept her away from the drugs as best as we could. We tried to calm her, to comfort her, to encourage her; we all had different approaches, we were all there for her in different ways, and we all made mistakes. In the end, I think we did okay. She went to detox and got clean. The day after, Sam took her on a trip so she wouldn't be near her drug dealer friends before rehab. They came back and before we knew it, Sarah was in rehab. She'll be out in about 3 months.
There is so much more to this story, I could write a novel about the last few months. In the end, both Sam and I are in love with Sarah. Sarah doesn't know what she feels. We've all decided to take a break from romance for her sake. I'm just waiting now for her to come out sober and changed. I hope she begins to heal from some of things that have been haunting her, beyond the drugs. I hope she comes to terms about the man who molested her; she needs to do this, for her own sake. Her determination to change is strong and I have high hopes for her. I love her so much! I just want to see her smile again.
Nothing about this has been easy, but I can honestly say I felt alive. I have a reason for living beyond making it to my next meal and hoping it gets better. I don't want that to end.
"It's been a tough year..."
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
January-April
Love for the first time, not sex, love. Heartbreak, addiction, hope, hopelessness, faith, lack of trust, jealousy, heartbreak, pain, late nights, scary texts, exhaustion, lots of crying, euphoria, feelings I can't describe and absolute and certain life. I had no idea what I was missing! More to follow.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
I'm Back Again!
As the title would imply, I am back. I was feeling crappy so I guessed my old password correctly and got on here, mostly just to read old posts, and it comforted me. My poetry and thoughts are profound, at least they are profound to me and they help me when it's too much to take.
I don't have a whole lot to say, haven't for the past year it seems with the rather poor showing for 2012. This isn't the first time I've had a break from blogging, it may not be the last and maybe I'm outgrowing this way of expressing myself, maybe I don't need it anymore. I've grown unnaturally adept at explaining my fears, doubt, depression and misery to almost everyone I meet. The openness is disarming. No one can really say they don't relate with me to some extent and no matter how lousy you're feeling, it's comforting that someone else is feeling, or has felt, as shitty as you. Humans are social creatures and we must express ourselves; it's hardwired into who we are.
That being said, it's really nice to have a written log of my thoughts. I can go back to various points in my life for the past few years and remember them in detail. I don't remember "that trip" or "the time when we (fill in the blank)". As selfishly as it sounds, I remember me, how I was feeling or what deep thoughts I was thinking, not the little details of existance. Other than =^..^= (thanks so much! You make me feel special), and myself, no one really reads these thoughts but that's ok. It was a way to let myself out of the self-imposed cage I had built around my thoughts, mostly the cage was built to keep my thoughts away from my parents, who may have understood them better than I could have believed at the time.
Anyway, now that I'm done memorializing this blog (I have my fears that I may very well never bother to post again), let's get on with it, the very reason this thing exists, from day one, because I am still Honestly Alive. In long term thinking, I've watched my own thoughts change and watched myself grow older, and maybe tougher over the years.
From 17-21, I was massively confused. Christianity didn't make sense so I rejected it, and I had to come to my own conclusions about things, things I should have worked out when I was a kid but didn't because religion provided the answers and I was not encouraged to question things. With no real limits, I looked as far as I could see and reasoned it all out to the best of my ability. I determined that there is likely not a god, or any ultimate meaning or right or wrong for that matter, but for reasons I couldn't explain, I still did everything I could to be a decent person by American standards.
From 21-23, I tried to comprehend the implications of my belief. I explored what that meant: What I could do, what I would not do and why given I had no cosmic god-rudder directing my path. I mostly figured that morals and standards for society exist because they have to; they make us live with each other in healthy ways that keep us all going. Anyway, I tried very hard to stay positive during this time because it was useful. It wasn't that I actually believed everything was positive, even for a minute, it's just that it served no purpose to dwell on miserable things, so I avoided it. In many ways, I became the very thing I had hated before (I made a reference to Tulip Mania way back in the day to describe it).
And here I am, 24. I feel a new chapter is opening in my life, or maybe I'm just reverting. The whole everything-is-super-happy-and-fun culture is grating at me again. I'm in love with a girl who's losing her mom to cancer, and it's decidedly NOT super-happy-and-fun. The Buddists have convinced themselves that death is a cause for celebration, but it's in the mind only, and only with intense training. They are right to say not to fear death, and that it's just a part of life, but it is not happy, nor should it be treated as such in my opinion. A 21 year old girl should not have to bury her mother. It's crushing to see her convince herself that the next treatment or surgury will solve anything, but it gives her some respite, so I let her be. Some things in the world really suck. While I don't think we should dwell on those things so much that they hinder our ability to live, at least not for long, we shouldn't lie to ourselves and say everything is fine either.
All these thoughts have gotten me closer so something... I don't know, being old maybe? But they also seem to sap the color out of life. There were the hot reds and brght whites, deep blues and void blacks, but it all seems to fade now to a more steady shade of grey (I think I'm quoting myself there, I'm so vain, I probably think this song is about me...). Maybe I'm finally ready to feel the warm glow of love to bring me back to life, but I've been warned that even that is fleeting.
So here I am, not excited, depressed, angry or confused. Ready to see what comes next, but not particularly interested in it either. What will the next car be that drives down this road? Will it be a BMW or a Honda? I really don't care. It will pass, maybe I'll wave, and that will be all.
That's all I have for now, goodnight!
I don't have a whole lot to say, haven't for the past year it seems with the rather poor showing for 2012. This isn't the first time I've had a break from blogging, it may not be the last and maybe I'm outgrowing this way of expressing myself, maybe I don't need it anymore. I've grown unnaturally adept at explaining my fears, doubt, depression and misery to almost everyone I meet. The openness is disarming. No one can really say they don't relate with me to some extent and no matter how lousy you're feeling, it's comforting that someone else is feeling, or has felt, as shitty as you. Humans are social creatures and we must express ourselves; it's hardwired into who we are.
That being said, it's really nice to have a written log of my thoughts. I can go back to various points in my life for the past few years and remember them in detail. I don't remember "that trip" or "the time when we (fill in the blank)". As selfishly as it sounds, I remember me, how I was feeling or what deep thoughts I was thinking, not the little details of existance. Other than =^..^= (thanks so much! You make me feel special), and myself, no one really reads these thoughts but that's ok. It was a way to let myself out of the self-imposed cage I had built around my thoughts, mostly the cage was built to keep my thoughts away from my parents, who may have understood them better than I could have believed at the time.
Anyway, now that I'm done memorializing this blog (I have my fears that I may very well never bother to post again), let's get on with it, the very reason this thing exists, from day one, because I am still Honestly Alive. In long term thinking, I've watched my own thoughts change and watched myself grow older, and maybe tougher over the years.
From 17-21, I was massively confused. Christianity didn't make sense so I rejected it, and I had to come to my own conclusions about things, things I should have worked out when I was a kid but didn't because religion provided the answers and I was not encouraged to question things. With no real limits, I looked as far as I could see and reasoned it all out to the best of my ability. I determined that there is likely not a god, or any ultimate meaning or right or wrong for that matter, but for reasons I couldn't explain, I still did everything I could to be a decent person by American standards.
From 21-23, I tried to comprehend the implications of my belief. I explored what that meant: What I could do, what I would not do and why given I had no cosmic god-rudder directing my path. I mostly figured that morals and standards for society exist because they have to; they make us live with each other in healthy ways that keep us all going. Anyway, I tried very hard to stay positive during this time because it was useful. It wasn't that I actually believed everything was positive, even for a minute, it's just that it served no purpose to dwell on miserable things, so I avoided it. In many ways, I became the very thing I had hated before (I made a reference to Tulip Mania way back in the day to describe it).
And here I am, 24. I feel a new chapter is opening in my life, or maybe I'm just reverting. The whole everything-is-super-happy-and-fun culture is grating at me again. I'm in love with a girl who's losing her mom to cancer, and it's decidedly NOT super-happy-and-fun. The Buddists have convinced themselves that death is a cause for celebration, but it's in the mind only, and only with intense training. They are right to say not to fear death, and that it's just a part of life, but it is not happy, nor should it be treated as such in my opinion. A 21 year old girl should not have to bury her mother. It's crushing to see her convince herself that the next treatment or surgury will solve anything, but it gives her some respite, so I let her be. Some things in the world really suck. While I don't think we should dwell on those things so much that they hinder our ability to live, at least not for long, we shouldn't lie to ourselves and say everything is fine either.
All these thoughts have gotten me closer so something... I don't know, being old maybe? But they also seem to sap the color out of life. There were the hot reds and brght whites, deep blues and void blacks, but it all seems to fade now to a more steady shade of grey (I think I'm quoting myself there, I'm so vain, I probably think this song is about me...). Maybe I'm finally ready to feel the warm glow of love to bring me back to life, but I've been warned that even that is fleeting.
So here I am, not excited, depressed, angry or confused. Ready to see what comes next, but not particularly interested in it either. What will the next car be that drives down this road? Will it be a BMW or a Honda? I really don't care. It will pass, maybe I'll wave, and that will be all.
That's all I have for now, goodnight!
Friday, June 1, 2012
Rant for Sunday
I give pretty good advice consistently
I drink too much
And I talk too much
I don't listen well
My opinions are way too strong
My life is too fucking short
And I'm too old for my years
I'm too old to pretend I can still keep making these mistakes
Quit smoking and won't start again
At some point convinced I wouldn't commit suicide before lung cancer would matter
Now I've got a permanent cough
Maybe it's too late
Maybe that doesn't matter, maybe
It's nothing new
The only thing I know for sure
It's all been done before
Spokes go around on the wheel
In some other time, some other age, some other year
In some other dimension
Am I thinking about this me?
Am I giving up there, am I persisting here?
Am I a fucking millionaire somewhere else 7 dimensions off?
In a different time, in a place far away from here
But forget it, it never fucking mattered
I'm still sitting on my living room floor shirtless with an empty beer
More old, dug up, down to earth stuff
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Utopia in my Mind
What would be the absolutely best way to enjoy music?
What would that look like?
What would it sound like?
How would we feel?
Well I think it depends on the music, but since I'm listening to Ben Howard, I'll focus on music that calms
It would be dark, but not black
Dim lights that let us see, and move, and not be afraid, but that doesn't distract, or make us look away from any part of our environment
We wouldn't be alone, because alone is the end of all things good
No, we'd be close, snuggling and sipping a glass of wine after a good meal and a day of hard work
Just a touch on her bare back and a her hand on my arm would tell our love and we'd be so content
The music would play, first roaring so we could hear every sound, then fading so, so slowly, that only when we woke in the morning would we realize the music was fading
We'd turn it on again and eat breakfast in the peaceful still of sound then let the genre change to something lively to welcome the day and things we have to do.
Ahh! Yes! It's utopia in my mind!
I like music, I know everyone says that, but I REALLY like music, in a REALLY big way. Thoughts like this are good and make me content.
What would that look like?
What would it sound like?
How would we feel?
Well I think it depends on the music, but since I'm listening to Ben Howard, I'll focus on music that calms
It would be dark, but not black
Dim lights that let us see, and move, and not be afraid, but that doesn't distract, or make us look away from any part of our environment
We wouldn't be alone, because alone is the end of all things good
No, we'd be close, snuggling and sipping a glass of wine after a good meal and a day of hard work
Just a touch on her bare back and a her hand on my arm would tell our love and we'd be so content
The music would play, first roaring so we could hear every sound, then fading so, so slowly, that only when we woke in the morning would we realize the music was fading
We'd turn it on again and eat breakfast in the peaceful still of sound then let the genre change to something lively to welcome the day and things we have to do.
Ahh! Yes! It's utopia in my mind!
I like music, I know everyone says that, but I REALLY like music, in a REALLY big way. Thoughts like this are good and make me content.
Cookie Cutter
Cookie-cutter music in a cookie-cutter world
Where I should raise a family with a cookie-cutter girl
And we should have a big TV and some cookie-cutter kids
Who should grow up and play soccer (or something safe) with their cookie-cutter friends
And everyone will say to me “Man, you've got the life”
With my cookie-cutter SUV and my cookie-cutter wife
Then maybe we'll get angry and get a cookie-cutter divorce
For as often as this mold is cast it never, ever works
But I'll be okay I'll go to the bar with the cookie-cutter guys
And we'll drink beer and talk about the game everything will be alright
It's a fucking shame we live this way in our cookie-cutter sphere
In a cookie-cutter decade, in a cookie-cutter year
Minutes after I finished "Grey Shaded Eyes", I started writing this song to describe how terribly generic the music was, and how much it really isn't what I want my music (or life) to be. I held on to it for a while, with some delusion that I would add more later, but that's it. Three verses and I'm out!
Inspired by my own bad, generic writing, Odd Soul by Mute Math, Earthsuit, the music video for Cameras by Matt and Kim (you don't understand it until you SEE the music video) and The Bare Naked Ladies.
Where I should raise a family with a cookie-cutter girl
And we should have a big TV and some cookie-cutter kids
Who should grow up and play soccer (or something safe) with their cookie-cutter friends
And everyone will say to me “Man, you've got the life”
With my cookie-cutter SUV and my cookie-cutter wife
Then maybe we'll get angry and get a cookie-cutter divorce
For as often as this mold is cast it never, ever works
But I'll be okay I'll go to the bar with the cookie-cutter guys
And we'll drink beer and talk about the game everything will be alright
It's a fucking shame we live this way in our cookie-cutter sphere
In a cookie-cutter decade, in a cookie-cutter year
Minutes after I finished "Grey Shaded Eyes", I started writing this song to describe how terribly generic the music was, and how much it really isn't what I want my music (or life) to be. I held on to it for a while, with some delusion that I would add more later, but that's it. Three verses and I'm out!
Inspired by my own bad, generic writing, Odd Soul by Mute Math, Earthsuit, the music video for Cameras by Matt and Kim (you don't understand it until you SEE the music video) and The Bare Naked Ladies.
Your Grey Shaded Eyes
My dear
With your gray-shaded eyes
You hear
But you don't compromise
I know, what you know
And it's not right
You grew
In a whirlwind of change
And you dreamed
Somethings would stay
But the world, never was
That way
When everything
Seems to be
Too much to bear
I will try
Yes, I will try
To be there
My dear
With your gray-shaded eyes
Don't fear
Take off your disguise
Cause we all, break
Sometimes
When everything
Seems to be
Too much to bear
I will try
Yes, I will try
To be there
I will try
Yes, I will try
To be there
I've wanted to use "Grey shaded eyes" or something like that in a song for a while. This is what happened. It's... generic, but I guess it works well enough. Influences include: Audio Adrenaline, Mute Math, Augustana and Bright Eyes
With your gray-shaded eyes
You hear
But you don't compromise
I know, what you know
And it's not right
You grew
In a whirlwind of change
And you dreamed
Somethings would stay
But the world, never was
That way
When everything
Seems to be
Too much to bear
I will try
Yes, I will try
To be there
My dear
With your gray-shaded eyes
Don't fear
Take off your disguise
Cause we all, break
Sometimes
When everything
Seems to be
Too much to bear
I will try
Yes, I will try
To be there
I will try
Yes, I will try
To be there
I've wanted to use "Grey shaded eyes" or something like that in a song for a while. This is what happened. It's... generic, but I guess it works well enough. Influences include: Audio Adrenaline, Mute Math, Augustana and Bright Eyes
Friday, December 30, 2011
Getting Older, Getting Faker
I've realized that recently, even though I've been going through a ton of change, I've been less prone to think too deeply about things.
Maybe I've worked things out in my head so I don't ask the questions, but I know that's not really true. Maybe I've learned to accept certain things as impossible to determine so I leave them alone; that's not true either. The better answer is probably that I just don't care anymore. I'm just the fat kid with a bowl of ice cream, eating it because it tastes good, unconcerned about the consequences in the future.
I can't lie, I'm doing ok, maybe even good from time to time, but I have grown older and as much as I don't miss the pain of youth, I'm starting to miss the fire. I used to think in terms of best and worst, if not for practical purposes, at least as a stone on which to build, but now everything is in practical terms; no real innovation. Or to use an analogy, I know I'll never be a marathon runner so now I just shuffle my feet.
As much as this feels better, it feels colder. Like the whole world has taught me to be happy and healthy but has forgotten that there's a man beneath this skin. A man who wants to experience love and compassion stronger than most will ever see. I tasted it once and it's driven me mad ever since. I know I'm supposed to move past this, to accept the plastic relationships and mechanical sex as perfection, but I know I'll regret it forever if I do.
All the thanks in the world to Jenn Wasner of Wye Oak for making me remember what it is to long for something. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5B4KS7GP9A
Maybe I've worked things out in my head so I don't ask the questions, but I know that's not really true. Maybe I've learned to accept certain things as impossible to determine so I leave them alone; that's not true either. The better answer is probably that I just don't care anymore. I'm just the fat kid with a bowl of ice cream, eating it because it tastes good, unconcerned about the consequences in the future.
I can't lie, I'm doing ok, maybe even good from time to time, but I have grown older and as much as I don't miss the pain of youth, I'm starting to miss the fire. I used to think in terms of best and worst, if not for practical purposes, at least as a stone on which to build, but now everything is in practical terms; no real innovation. Or to use an analogy, I know I'll never be a marathon runner so now I just shuffle my feet.
As much as this feels better, it feels colder. Like the whole world has taught me to be happy and healthy but has forgotten that there's a man beneath this skin. A man who wants to experience love and compassion stronger than most will ever see. I tasted it once and it's driven me mad ever since. I know I'm supposed to move past this, to accept the plastic relationships and mechanical sex as perfection, but I know I'll regret it forever if I do.
All the thanks in the world to Jenn Wasner of Wye Oak for making me remember what it is to long for something. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5B4KS7GP9A
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
72
72... 72 minutes... 72 FUCKING MINUTES, and that's it. I watch 72 minutes of Fight Club (yep, never seen it) and my computer says "No more! You pay now!" I'd be happy to go pay a company that I recognize (anyone hear of a failing movie renting company?), 'cept that's not allowed in this country; no copyright laws.
Sidebar: Damn, that probably isn't great for trying to be a penguin in the crowd... whatever.
Anyway, that's probably a bad place to leave that movie. If you get to that point and just leave, you have an urge to be an asshole and punch something, which my brain reminds me is a really bad idea. However (I love that word "however", it's a cop-out for screaming grammatical errors) Anyway, as I was saying: However, as I was watching this movie from my bed with the blanket that matches my furniture and the pillowcase and sheets that match my chair cushions, I couldn't help but realize the stupidity of my day-to-day existence.
I've been bored with mere existence before, this is nothing new, just a new reminder. I've pushed the limits for a rush, been drunk every day in a week, lost friends to similar things, and leveled the fuck out. Now what do I do? I go places and take pictures or something like that; try to do something passively through a lens or listening or something, and I'm never satisfied.
I've got to get out. Got to live and experience in the now. Got to get out of my routine. I've got to do it soon...
Plan: Tomorrow, after work, I'm getting out. Out of my home, out of my comfort zone, without a plan. See where the spirals take me!
Listening to Lateralus by Tool
Sidebar: Damn, that probably isn't great for trying to be a penguin in the crowd... whatever.
Anyway, that's probably a bad place to leave that movie. If you get to that point and just leave, you have an urge to be an asshole and punch something, which my brain reminds me is a really bad idea. However (I love that word "however", it's a cop-out for screaming grammatical errors) Anyway, as I was saying: However, as I was watching this movie from my bed with the blanket that matches my furniture and the pillowcase and sheets that match my chair cushions, I couldn't help but realize the stupidity of my day-to-day existence.
I've been bored with mere existence before, this is nothing new, just a new reminder. I've pushed the limits for a rush, been drunk every day in a week, lost friends to similar things, and leveled the fuck out. Now what do I do? I go places and take pictures or something like that; try to do something passively through a lens or listening or something, and I'm never satisfied.
I've got to get out. Got to live and experience in the now. Got to get out of my routine. I've got to do it soon...
Plan: Tomorrow, after work, I'm getting out. Out of my home, out of my comfort zone, without a plan. See where the spirals take me!
Listening to Lateralus by Tool
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Feeling Less
So how do I explain this? An absence; a lack of something. I feel very little...
Why bother, it's all been said before; I'm depressed.
I guess I've known it for a long while, but I just hate using that word "depressed". Maybe because it has a stigma, it screams that I don't work hard, I don't care for myself or others, or I'm not active or whatever. It's just not true. I'm consistently recognized for my good work, I'm in better shape than I've ever been in my life, I'm in a band and socialize reasonably well (well, not that good, but it's good for me), I just feel pointless and bored.
I'm 23 in a few days, what can I even say? I have no plans for my birthday. No party or friends over or cake or even a good dinner. Why should I? I won't feel a damn thing. I played video games with a girl the other day and while she got excited about the game and hanging out, I FELT NOTHING! Just a little awkward like the one guy who's not crying at a B rate drama.
Like I said before, this is a classic symptom of depression, but I don't know what to do about it. Guess I'll try to "keep on existing in the now" as Eyedea would say. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9-eKhCukW8
Later yall
Why bother, it's all been said before; I'm depressed.
I guess I've known it for a long while, but I just hate using that word "depressed". Maybe because it has a stigma, it screams that I don't work hard, I don't care for myself or others, or I'm not active or whatever. It's just not true. I'm consistently recognized for my good work, I'm in better shape than I've ever been in my life, I'm in a band and socialize reasonably well (well, not that good, but it's good for me), I just feel pointless and bored.
I'm 23 in a few days, what can I even say? I have no plans for my birthday. No party or friends over or cake or even a good dinner. Why should I? I won't feel a damn thing. I played video games with a girl the other day and while she got excited about the game and hanging out, I FELT NOTHING! Just a little awkward like the one guy who's not crying at a B rate drama.
Like I said before, this is a classic symptom of depression, but I don't know what to do about it. Guess I'll try to "keep on existing in the now" as Eyedea would say. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9-eKhCukW8
Later yall
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Prone to Wander
There you are
20 something
High school's been gone a while
But part of you never could go
Friends are getting married
Buying houses, settling down
You've got your car,
And a part time job in this town
So don't say to me
You're doing fine and have never been better
Your feet aren't prone to wander
And I've never been prone to believe you
So see what you see
Live all your dreams
But part of it feels hollow
And you don't know what to do
So don't say to me
You're doing fine and have never been better
Your feet aren't prone to wander
And I've never been prone to believe you
I know what they say
You'll find your place someday
But right now it doesn't seem that way
And I know I can't convince you
So don't say to me
You're doing fine and have never been better
Your feet aren't prone to wander
And I've never been prone to believe you
I got off a long Skype call with a friend I haven't talked to in a long time. She had her kids around her and her life is well on the way to how a life should be. I guess it's in my genes and I'm ready to settle down and raise a family, but it's just not there. I wrote this from the perspective of someone outside looking in, maybe because I'm a little embarrassed that it's about me. "Please Speak Well of Me" by The Weepies inspired the flow and some little lyrical things.
20 something
High school's been gone a while
But part of you never could go
Friends are getting married
Buying houses, settling down
You've got your car,
And a part time job in this town
So don't say to me
You're doing fine and have never been better
Your feet aren't prone to wander
And I've never been prone to believe you
So see what you see
Live all your dreams
But part of it feels hollow
And you don't know what to do
So don't say to me
You're doing fine and have never been better
Your feet aren't prone to wander
And I've never been prone to believe you
I know what they say
You'll find your place someday
But right now it doesn't seem that way
And I know I can't convince you
So don't say to me
You're doing fine and have never been better
Your feet aren't prone to wander
And I've never been prone to believe you
I got off a long Skype call with a friend I haven't talked to in a long time. She had her kids around her and her life is well on the way to how a life should be. I guess it's in my genes and I'm ready to settle down and raise a family, but it's just not there. I wrote this from the perspective of someone outside looking in, maybe because I'm a little embarrassed that it's about me. "Please Speak Well of Me" by The Weepies inspired the flow and some little lyrical things.
Do I?
Everything has a place where it's meant to be, but it's hard to say when it comes to me
Season's turn, water churns, days fly by faster than the leaves falling from the trees
Do I believe what I believe?
Do I trust what I see?
Do I believe anything?
Feel my heart inside my chest, feel water on my face, feel refreshed
Faces never stay the same, but some things never change, much like today
Do I believe what I believe?
Do I trust what I see?
Do I believe anything?
Falling water from the sky lifts me up to new highs, I never smile in sunny weather
I never write a happy letter, I never lie, I can't decide
Do I believe what I believe?
Do I trust what I see?
Do I believe anything?
When right and wrong is a tower made of glass, to be smashed, with its pieces on the floor
When my song is a weak attempt to say, I was wrong, and it never really mattered
Do I believe what I believe?
Do I trust what I see?
Do I believe anything?
I was listening to Season's Trees off of Rome by Danger Mouse and Daniele Luppi, sung by Norah Jones when I started to write this. It's fairly vague and touches a few subjects. It was more driven by the music and the brooding sound than any particular thought at the time. Regardless, I don't mind how it turned out.
Season's turn, water churns, days fly by faster than the leaves falling from the trees
Do I believe what I believe?
Do I trust what I see?
Do I believe anything?
Feel my heart inside my chest, feel water on my face, feel refreshed
Faces never stay the same, but some things never change, much like today
Do I believe what I believe?
Do I trust what I see?
Do I believe anything?
Falling water from the sky lifts me up to new highs, I never smile in sunny weather
I never write a happy letter, I never lie, I can't decide
Do I believe what I believe?
Do I trust what I see?
Do I believe anything?
When right and wrong is a tower made of glass, to be smashed, with its pieces on the floor
When my song is a weak attempt to say, I was wrong, and it never really mattered
Do I believe what I believe?
Do I trust what I see?
Do I believe anything?
I was listening to Season's Trees off of Rome by Danger Mouse and Daniele Luppi, sung by Norah Jones when I started to write this. It's fairly vague and touches a few subjects. It was more driven by the music and the brooding sound than any particular thought at the time. Regardless, I don't mind how it turned out.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Let it Grow Shallow
I'm so weak, but you're so fragile.
So I won't drop my disorientation on you
Confusing to understand, reasonable to the line
Never mind, not useful
Not to me
Not to you
Especially not to you
You're recovering
I'm spinning, drunk in reason
Lay it on, thick butter on bread
No, I won't, I won't, I won't
It's all I want to do
But you're fragile, so fragile
fragile, so so fragile
You're fragile, fragile
And discipline is all I know
So I can't lay it on you
My very best friend
Always in my mind
But our friendship must grow shallow
As you get sober, and I get madder
Say goodbye, let it grow shallow!
Say goodbye, let it grow shallow!
Say goodbye, let it grow shallow!
Say goodbye, let it grow shallow!
Holy crap! I forgot about that one though my computer says I typed it last month. I REALLY want to make this into a song. Basically, this is about my best friend, who's getting her life back together after a lot of drunkenness. She's in a very fragile state right now, and a close relationship with her from me is probably not the healthiest thing for her. She's my best friend so what can I do? Her well being is the only thing that could make me avoid a relationship with her, so I'll let it grow shallow.
So I won't drop my disorientation on you
Confusing to understand, reasonable to the line
Never mind, not useful
Not to me
Not to you
Especially not to you
You're recovering
I'm spinning, drunk in reason
Lay it on, thick butter on bread
No, I won't, I won't, I won't
It's all I want to do
But you're fragile, so fragile
fragile, so so fragile
You're fragile, fragile
And discipline is all I know
So I can't lay it on you
My very best friend
Always in my mind
But our friendship must grow shallow
As you get sober, and I get madder
Say goodbye, let it grow shallow!
Say goodbye, let it grow shallow!
Say goodbye, let it grow shallow!
Say goodbye, let it grow shallow!
Holy crap! I forgot about that one though my computer says I typed it last month. I REALLY want to make this into a song. Basically, this is about my best friend, who's getting her life back together after a lot of drunkenness. She's in a very fragile state right now, and a close relationship with her from me is probably not the healthiest thing for her. She's my best friend so what can I do? Her well being is the only thing that could make me avoid a relationship with her, so I'll let it grow shallow.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Who ever needed a title anyway
2011 has not been kind. It's mostly been work, a lot of work, with dull areas in between. I don't like my job, but I really don't like being idle, so I want to work to make the end of the day come faster, but I don't like the end of the day because that means the next day is closer, and yet again, more work. The cycle is terrible, and there's very little of it to give it value. Even these precious moments are quickly forgotten in the stress of work... then it continues.
I'm 22. I know this is the time to be living or something stupid and cliche like that, but I'm just wasting the year, and I have no control of my position. Even worse, I think if I did "have control", I wouldn't be able to pull out of this death spiral.
Sorry for diving into this misery again, but there's not much else to say. Maybe there's a reason my best friend can't get too close.
I'm 22. I know this is the time to be living or something stupid and cliche like that, but I'm just wasting the year, and I have no control of my position. Even worse, I think if I did "have control", I wouldn't be able to pull out of this death spiral.
Sorry for diving into this misery again, but there's not much else to say. Maybe there's a reason my best friend can't get too close.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
A Sea of Faces
There are 7 billion people on the planet, and not a single one cares in the least what I have to say.
Sorry bout how sad this one is. It was a bad, lonely day.
Sorry bout how sad this one is. It was a bad, lonely day.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Have Some Sympathy for Me
I find myself here again
Tired but not enough to sleep
Bored but not enough to stop
On the net, idly read of someone else's misfortune
Staring at the clock, typing my thoughts
Back them up, they'll never be read
Except by me, and maybe I better not remember
Let me forget them all and just be
The world turns so slowly, but so much time is past
3 years and the peak of life is gone, yes I regret it
The world is so mad now, with children hurting one another
But a generation begs for freedom
Another one grows old
Another is born
Another dies
And the sun will rise tomorrow as it always did
It's another day, another regret
Another tear that won't fall from my eyes
Another day to forget
I'm bored of this, and the next year
I can't even finish this, there's nothing left
Not a reason, a rhyme
And everything you said was truth was untrue
But you sold your house for a tulip
And there's nothing I can do
My final friend
Gone too
Follow all your dreams, but have some sympathy for me
This one deserves a little explanation: When you're a sad, miserable SOB like me, you resent everyone who is not. Some of this is justified. For example, pretty much everyone I know who lives a "happy" life has shut off some of their being to achieve that. A person who values honesty as much as I do hates this shut down. On the other hand, I'm jealous as all hell, because they're living a life I want but don't even understand. Again, there are faces and names attached.
The line "you sold your house for a tulip" refers to Tulip Mania and pretty much means you sold something valuable for something worthless that is trendy at the time.
Tired but not enough to sleep
Bored but not enough to stop
On the net, idly read of someone else's misfortune
Staring at the clock, typing my thoughts
Back them up, they'll never be read
Except by me, and maybe I better not remember
Let me forget them all and just be
The world turns so slowly, but so much time is past
3 years and the peak of life is gone, yes I regret it
The world is so mad now, with children hurting one another
But a generation begs for freedom
Another one grows old
Another is born
Another dies
And the sun will rise tomorrow as it always did
It's another day, another regret
Another tear that won't fall from my eyes
Another day to forget
I'm bored of this, and the next year
I can't even finish this, there's nothing left
Not a reason, a rhyme
And everything you said was truth was untrue
But you sold your house for a tulip
And there's nothing I can do
My final friend
Gone too
Follow all your dreams, but have some sympathy for me
This one deserves a little explanation: When you're a sad, miserable SOB like me, you resent everyone who is not. Some of this is justified. For example, pretty much everyone I know who lives a "happy" life has shut off some of their being to achieve that. A person who values honesty as much as I do hates this shut down. On the other hand, I'm jealous as all hell, because they're living a life I want but don't even understand. Again, there are faces and names attached.
The line "you sold your house for a tulip" refers to Tulip Mania and pretty much means you sold something valuable for something worthless that is trendy at the time.
All I do now is Pretend
All I do now is pretend
How long ago was it when I could say
There's a simple reason for the day
It seems forever, in a different world
And I can't see it, fog covers the lens
All I do now is pretend
How long ago did I walk these woods
The wet earth smelled fresh and new
But an apartment complex is being built
And there's sawdust in the air
So all I do now is pretend
How long ago was it when I met you
And our friendship was everything
Now you're distant and I don't know you
Seems all good things end
All I can do is pretend
All I do now is pretend
There are names and faces that are placed with the last sentence, but bygones are... What the fuck is a bygone?! Whatever. Times change, shit happens, sometimes (mostly) I can't deal with it and I write poetry. Yes, all I do is pretend I'm happy, that there's meaning, but all I'm really doing is pretending for the benefit of others and waiting for anything better to come along.
How long ago was it when I could say
There's a simple reason for the day
It seems forever, in a different world
And I can't see it, fog covers the lens
All I do now is pretend
How long ago did I walk these woods
The wet earth smelled fresh and new
But an apartment complex is being built
And there's sawdust in the air
So all I do now is pretend
How long ago was it when I met you
And our friendship was everything
Now you're distant and I don't know you
Seems all good things end
All I can do is pretend
All I do now is pretend
There are names and faces that are placed with the last sentence, but bygones are... What the fuck is a bygone?! Whatever. Times change, shit happens, sometimes (mostly) I can't deal with it and I write poetry. Yes, all I do is pretend I'm happy, that there's meaning, but all I'm really doing is pretending for the benefit of others and waiting for anything better to come along.
A Short Conversation
The question was simple, but the implications of the answer, whatever it may be, were incredible.
“Do you fear what's coming next?”
I held the thought over in my head and turned it round and round like candy in my mouth, feeling it every way.
“No”
An expression of anger quickly passed through her face, believing what I said was a lie. I noticed it and waited for an accusation, but it faded just as quickly as it came.
“Do you...”
She cocked her head slightly as she considered her words.
The inevitable question was coming, as she tried to uncover the lie by locking me in how I responded.
“How could you not fear the future, after all you've said, you seem terrified by it.”
It was true in a sense. Only the finest line divided how I felt and absolute terror. It was, in fact, the biggest risk I had taken in years, but I hadn't lied, I wasn't scared.
“Hmm...”
Hand on my chin as I considered how I would respond. A question like that required a careful answer; deserved a careful answer. Like two countries at truce, both trying to speak truthfully and clearly, but not giving ammunition to the other side either.
“I told you everything that could go wrong. It's a risk, but I calculated it. I had to consider all those things, but in the end, I still decided like I did.
“And that doesn't bother you?”
Her response was swift this time. The question was sitting on the tip of her tongue. Like the third brigade in a division, waiting in reserve for the perfect moment to strike.
I'd grown tired of these jabs by now and realized a partial admission was in order. It would be a victory for both of us in a way. I could accept that.
“You can't let it bother you. I guess it did at first, but there's no use recalculating it over and over again in your head. It's not like anything's changed.”
She opened her mouth to respond, but before a sound came back I finished my statement.
“So no, I don't fear it”
Her mouth shut without a sound. The line of thought was complete and she knew better than to press the issue.
I wrote this a while ago, and I remember it being a blast to write. It's only my second try at written dialogue. This is about a decision I made to probably change careers and how someone may take this so-called bad life decision. "She" is actually my sister, who is a very practical person and believes strongly in a "proper" way to live. I think if we had a long conversation about this topic, she'd respond something like this. As you can see, I tried to delve into the unsaid aspects of a conversation, and the battle conversation can be.
“Do you fear what's coming next?”
I held the thought over in my head and turned it round and round like candy in my mouth, feeling it every way.
“No”
An expression of anger quickly passed through her face, believing what I said was a lie. I noticed it and waited for an accusation, but it faded just as quickly as it came.
“Do you...”
She cocked her head slightly as she considered her words.
The inevitable question was coming, as she tried to uncover the lie by locking me in how I responded.
“How could you not fear the future, after all you've said, you seem terrified by it.”
It was true in a sense. Only the finest line divided how I felt and absolute terror. It was, in fact, the biggest risk I had taken in years, but I hadn't lied, I wasn't scared.
“Hmm...”
Hand on my chin as I considered how I would respond. A question like that required a careful answer; deserved a careful answer. Like two countries at truce, both trying to speak truthfully and clearly, but not giving ammunition to the other side either.
“I told you everything that could go wrong. It's a risk, but I calculated it. I had to consider all those things, but in the end, I still decided like I did.
“And that doesn't bother you?”
Her response was swift this time. The question was sitting on the tip of her tongue. Like the third brigade in a division, waiting in reserve for the perfect moment to strike.
I'd grown tired of these jabs by now and realized a partial admission was in order. It would be a victory for both of us in a way. I could accept that.
“You can't let it bother you. I guess it did at first, but there's no use recalculating it over and over again in your head. It's not like anything's changed.”
She opened her mouth to respond, but before a sound came back I finished my statement.
“So no, I don't fear it”
Her mouth shut without a sound. The line of thought was complete and she knew better than to press the issue.
I wrote this a while ago, and I remember it being a blast to write. It's only my second try at written dialogue. This is about a decision I made to probably change careers and how someone may take this so-called bad life decision. "She" is actually my sister, who is a very practical person and believes strongly in a "proper" way to live. I think if we had a long conversation about this topic, she'd respond something like this. As you can see, I tried to delve into the unsaid aspects of a conversation, and the battle conversation can be.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Freedom
Where am I?
The sun rises differently here
I'm coughing from the smog
And it's cold
Why am I here?
For success
I could be successful
But the video plays
And I don't want it to define me
I need to be decent
And this is a last resort
As I stand as if attending a funeral
With tears in my eyes
No, the greatest thing I could desire is not success
I can hold my head high
For the potential I will not accept
A staggering thought to most
I will define my path
And I will dare to be different
Different from what's hip and what's custom
From the chords of the world around me
And I will be free
There are some references here that are too specific for me to mention and stay anonymous, but there is one paraphrase of a famous quote in there that may explain a little if you see it. This one is a pretty heart-felt conviction.
The sun rises differently here
I'm coughing from the smog
And it's cold
Why am I here?
For success
I could be successful
But the video plays
And I don't want it to define me
I need to be decent
And this is a last resort
As I stand as if attending a funeral
With tears in my eyes
No, the greatest thing I could desire is not success
I can hold my head high
For the potential I will not accept
A staggering thought to most
I will define my path
And I will dare to be different
Different from what's hip and what's custom
From the chords of the world around me
And I will be free
There are some references here that are too specific for me to mention and stay anonymous, but there is one paraphrase of a famous quote in there that may explain a little if you see it. This one is a pretty heart-felt conviction.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
A Good Day
So my blog is mostly miserable and shit, but today was good. I got an ass-load of sleep and was well-rested for the day, then I was more or less told I was going to be recognized for doing a good job, then I had a person I greatly respect tell me that I had what it takes to do a very difficult job, far beyond what I do now, THEN I had this conversation with a beautiful girl that I've wanted to talk to for the last month, and she's interested in me too. So DAMN! I deserve to be allowed to break the rules of grammar and have a long-ass run-on sentence for a day like this.
Some days are really fucking good. With all my jacked up emotions and logic, I still recognize this. Maybe I'm not the hopeless loser I usually think I am. So fuck. I wish I could apologize to all the people who held me when I was a downer, or maybe this could serve as a thank you. Every once in a while, even I have really good days, and all you who held me, shit, who still hold me, are the reason for it.
Later yall!
Some days are really fucking good. With all my jacked up emotions and logic, I still recognize this. Maybe I'm not the hopeless loser I usually think I am. So fuck. I wish I could apologize to all the people who held me when I was a downer, or maybe this could serve as a thank you. Every once in a while, even I have really good days, and all you who held me, shit, who still hold me, are the reason for it.
Later yall!
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