Hell of a Year

"It's been a tough year. You say that life ain't fair
Well, guess what, baby...life ain't. Thems the breaks
You say that life ain't worth it. But it is. You gotta work it
 Nobody's life is perfect" - Sage Francis

Last post I promised more and here it is. I was embarrassed to talk about this, just like I was embarrassed to speak honestly in the first place, but this is my tool to keep me sane, and after the total insanity has ended, I need to reflect.

Damn! Where should I begin? I guess I'll start earlier than when I entered the picture; this isn't my story, I just play a supporting character.

There was a girl, we'll call her Sarah. Sarah grew up in a lousy situation, her mom always chose losers, and one particular loser decided that her mom wasn't enough for him, and he wanted Sarah too. He molested her off and on for 2 years; it started when she was 8. Sarah couldn't cope with this, she has reoccurring nightmares about it (she's 22 now), it made her feel worthless. Somewhere along the line she tried to kill herself. I don't know when; I don't ask. Sarah may have had a chance at a somewhat sane life, she was recovering to a degree, a small degree, but it was something, but she met this guy, we'll call him John. John was also a loser, he gave Sarah painkillers which numbed out the feelings she had about herself. It won her love and they got married. It was doomed to fail from the beginning. He ran out of money, but she was still hooked on painkillers, they argued and he would hit her. I saw the bruises myself. Her mom got sick and she started to dance at a strip club to pay for the drugs and for her mom's medical care. This is where I enter the picture.

I was lonely, about to go on a long trip. I just wanted to enjoy myself, and have a bit of companionship for a couple hours, even if it was fake. The strip club was dead that night, so it was easy to get Sarah's attention, she was the prettiest girl there. I bought a few lap dances and then Sarah and I started to talk. She looked worried, so I asked her what was the matter. She evaded the question for a bit, but eventually told me she hadn't paid the electric bill and her mom's medical equipment would go dead if it wasn't paid tomorrow. I paid the bill for her. She told me her real name.

I promised to come visit her when I got back from my trip, and I did just that. I started supporting her, and we started going out. It was great for a while. I didn't know about the drugs and I was too blind to see the signs. I thought it was built up medical bills that took the money and had her so worried. When my money ran out, she had a partial, forced withdrawal. She started to act irrationally. We argued, she threatened to leave me and never call me again. It crushed me. I finally broke up with her, I would be there as a friend, but I couldn't be her lover anymore.

In the next few weeks and months, her life came off the tracks. Eventually, she moved in with this guy, we'll call him Sam. Sam was a decent guy, he was giving her a room because he thought she had nowhere else to go. Sarah stole from Sam to pay for her drugs, to make up for the withdrawal she got when I ran out of money. Sam found out and was furious, but he loved Sarah, so he gave her an ultimatum: Go to rehab, or go to prison. She chose rehab.

Sam called me, he told me everything. I was determined to try to help Sarah through this, regardless of the breakup, I was still in love with her. Sarah had to wait 2 weeks to get a bed at detox. She would spend time with me and Sam and her mom. We kept her away from the drugs as best as we could. We tried to calm her, to comfort her, to encourage her; we all had different approaches, we were all there for her in different ways, and we all made mistakes. In the end, I think we did okay. She went to detox and got clean. The day after, Sam took her on a trip so she wouldn't be near her drug dealer friends before rehab. They came back and before we knew it, Sarah was in rehab. She'll be out in about 3 months.

There is so much more to this story, I could write a novel about the last few months. In the end, both Sam and I are in love with Sarah. Sarah doesn't know what she feels. We've all decided to take a break from romance for her sake. I'm just waiting now for her to come out sober and changed. I hope she begins to heal from some of things that have been haunting her, beyond the drugs. I hope she comes to terms about the man who molested her; she needs to do this, for her own sake. Her determination to change is strong and I have high hopes for her. I love her so much! I just want to see her smile again.

Nothing about this has been easy, but I can honestly say I felt alive. I have a reason for living beyond making it to my next meal and hoping it gets better. I don't want that to end.

"It's been a tough year..."

January-April

Love for the first time, not sex, love. Heartbreak, addiction, hope, hopelessness, faith, lack of trust, jealousy, heartbreak, pain, late nights, scary texts, exhaustion, lots of crying, euphoria, feelings I can't describe and absolute and certain life. I had no idea what I was missing! More to follow.

I'm Back Again!

As the title would imply, I am back. I was feeling crappy so I guessed my old password correctly and got on here, mostly just to read old posts, and it comforted me. My poetry and thoughts are profound, at least they are profound to me and they help me when it's too much to take.

I don't have a whole lot to say, haven't for the past year it seems with the rather poor showing for 2012. This isn't the first time I've had a break from blogging, it may not be the last and maybe I'm outgrowing this way of expressing myself, maybe I don't need it anymore. I've grown unnaturally adept at explaining my fears, doubt, depression and misery to almost everyone I meet. The openness is disarming. No one can really say they don't relate with me to some extent and no matter how lousy you're feeling, it's comforting that someone else is feeling, or has felt, as shitty as you. Humans are social creatures and we must express ourselves; it's hardwired into who we are.

That being said, it's really nice to have a written log of my thoughts. I can go back to various points in my life for the past few years and remember them in detail. I don't remember "that trip" or "the time when we (fill in the blank)". As selfishly as it sounds, I remember me, how I was feeling or what deep thoughts I was thinking, not the little details of existance. Other than =^..^= (thanks so much! You make me feel special), and myself, no one really reads these thoughts but that's ok. It was a way to let myself out of the self-imposed cage I had built around my thoughts, mostly the cage was built to keep my thoughts away from my parents, who may have understood them better than I could have believed at the time.

Anyway, now that I'm done memorializing this blog (I have my fears that I may very well never bother to post again), let's get on with it, the very reason this thing exists, from day one, because I am still Honestly Alive. In long term thinking, I've watched my own thoughts change and watched myself grow older, and maybe tougher over the years.

From 17-21, I was massively confused. Christianity didn't make sense so I rejected it, and I had to come to my own conclusions about things, things I should have worked out when I was a kid but didn't because religion provided the answers and I was not encouraged to question things. With no real limits, I looked as far as I could see and reasoned it all out to the best of my ability. I determined that there is likely not a god, or any ultimate meaning or right or wrong for that matter, but for reasons I couldn't explain, I still did everything I could to be a decent person by American standards.

From 21-23, I tried to comprehend the implications of my belief. I explored what that meant: What I could do, what I would not do and why given I had no cosmic god-rudder directing my path. I mostly figured that morals and standards for society exist because they have to; they make us live with each other in healthy ways that keep us all going. Anyway, I tried very hard to stay positive during this time because it was useful. It wasn't that I actually believed everything was positive, even for a minute, it's just that it served no purpose to dwell on miserable things, so I avoided it. In many ways, I became the very thing I had hated before (I made a reference to Tulip Mania way back in the day to describe it).

And here I am, 24. I feel a new chapter is opening in my life, or maybe I'm just reverting. The whole everything-is-super-happy-and-fun culture is grating at me again. I'm in love with a girl who's losing her mom to cancer, and it's decidedly NOT super-happy-and-fun. The Buddists have convinced themselves that death is a cause for celebration, but it's in the mind only, and only with intense training. They are right to say not to fear death, and that it's just a part of life, but it is not happy, nor should it be treated as such in my opinion. A 21 year old girl should not have to bury her mother. It's crushing to see her convince herself that the next treatment or surgury will solve anything, but it gives her some respite, so I let her be. Some things in the world really suck. While I don't think we should dwell on those things so much that they hinder our ability to live, at least not for long, we shouldn't lie to ourselves and say everything is fine either.

All these thoughts have gotten me closer so something... I don't know, being old maybe? But they also seem to sap the color out of life. There were the hot reds and brght whites, deep blues and void blacks, but it all seems to fade now to a more steady shade of grey (I think I'm quoting myself there, I'm so vain, I probably think this song is about me...). Maybe I'm finally ready to feel the warm glow of love to bring me back to life, but I've been warned that even that is fleeting.

So here I am, not excited, depressed, angry or confused. Ready to see what comes next, but not particularly interested in it either. What will the next car be that drives down this road? Will it be a BMW or a Honda? I really don't care. It will pass, maybe I'll wave, and that will be all.

That's all I have for now, goodnight!

Rant for Sunday

I give pretty good advice consistently I drink too much And I talk too much I don't listen well My opinions are way too strong My life is too fucking short And I'm too old for my years I'm too old to pretend I can still keep making these mistakes Quit smoking and won't start again At some point convinced I wouldn't commit suicide before lung cancer would matter Now I've got a permanent cough Maybe it's too late Maybe that doesn't matter, maybe It's nothing new The only thing I know for sure It's all been done before Spokes go around on the wheel In some other time, some other age, some other year In some other dimension Am I thinking about this me? Am I giving up there, am I persisting here? Am I a fucking millionaire somewhere else 7 dimensions off? In a different time, in a place far away from here But forget it, it never fucking mattered I'm still sitting on my living room floor shirtless with an empty beer More old, dug up, down to earth stuff

Utopia in my Mind

What would be the absolutely best way to enjoy music?

What would that look like?

What would it sound like?

How would we feel?

Well I think it depends on the music, but since I'm listening to Ben Howard, I'll focus on music that calms

It would be dark, but not black

Dim lights that let us see, and move, and not be afraid, but that doesn't distract, or make us look away from any part of our environment

We wouldn't be alone, because alone is the end of all things good

No, we'd be close, snuggling and sipping a glass of wine after a good meal and a day of hard work

Just a touch on her bare back and a her hand on my arm would tell our love and we'd be so content

The music would play, first roaring so we could hear every sound, then fading so, so slowly, that only when we woke in the morning would we realize the music was fading

We'd turn it on again and eat breakfast in the peaceful still of sound then let the genre change to something lively to welcome the day and things we have to do.

Ahh! Yes! It's utopia in my mind!

I like music, I know everyone says that, but I REALLY like music, in a REALLY big way. Thoughts like this are good and make me content.

Cookie Cutter

Cookie-cutter music in a cookie-cutter world
Where I should raise a family with a cookie-cutter girl
And we should have a big TV and some cookie-cutter kids
Who should grow up and play soccer (or something safe) with their cookie-cutter friends

And everyone will say to me “Man, you've got the life”
With my cookie-cutter SUV and my cookie-cutter wife
Then maybe we'll get angry and get a cookie-cutter divorce
For as often as this mold is cast it never, ever works

But I'll be okay I'll go to the bar with the cookie-cutter guys
And we'll drink beer and talk about the game everything will be alright
It's a fucking shame we live this way in our cookie-cutter sphere
In a cookie-cutter decade, in a cookie-cutter year

Minutes after I finished "Grey Shaded Eyes", I started writing this song to describe how terribly generic the music was, and how much it really isn't what I want my music (or life) to be. I held on to it for a while, with some delusion that I would add more later, but that's it. Three verses and I'm out!

Inspired by my own bad, generic writing, Odd Soul by Mute Math, Earthsuit, the music video for Cameras by Matt and Kim (you don't understand it until you SEE the music video) and The Bare Naked Ladies.

Your Grey Shaded Eyes

My dear
With your gray-shaded eyes
You hear
But you don't compromise
I know, what you know
And it's not right

You grew
In a whirlwind of change
And you dreamed
Somethings would stay
But the world, never was
That way

When everything
Seems to be
Too much to bear
I will try
Yes, I will try
To be there

My dear
With your gray-shaded eyes
Don't fear
Take off your disguise
Cause we all, break
Sometimes

When everything
Seems to be
Too much to bear
I will try
Yes, I will try
To be there

I will try
Yes, I will try
To be there

I've wanted to use "Grey shaded eyes" or something like that in a song for a while. This is what happened. It's... generic, but I guess it works well enough. Influences include: Audio Adrenaline, Mute Math, Augustana and Bright Eyes